


A Seal Upon Your Heart

by Andromytta, nealinor



Series: Love Bears All Things [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: ALL THE ANGST, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Blow Jobs, Cas has Issues, Castiel has impulse control issues, Catholic Guilt, Charlie Ships It, Claire Ships It, Dean and Cas need to use their words, F/F, F/M, First Time, First Time Blow Jobs, Former Priest Castiel, Frottage, Garth Ships It, Heavy Angst, Librarian Dean, M/M, Mental Anguish, Mr. Fizzles Ships It, Naomi is a bitch, Oral Sex, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Professor Castiel, Suicide Attempt, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-02
Updated: 2017-05-23
Packaged: 2018-10-14 05:10:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 79,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10529607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andromytta/pseuds/Andromytta, https://archiveofourown.org/users/nealinor/pseuds/nealinor
Summary: Former Priest Castiel Novak takes a job as a Religious Studies Professor at a University.  He runs into the handsome Head Librarian, Dean Winchester, who has quite the reputation.  They can't keep their eyes (or hands) off of each other.





	1. Lose Yourself (Prologue)

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter Title Reference: "Lose Yourself" by Eminem

“You’re leaving the order?” Castiel squints his blue eyes and cocks his head to the side as he regards his friend.

  
“I can’t truly devote my heart to the Holy Trinity when it already belongs to an amazing woman,” Gabriel replies, his whole face lighting up as he thinks about his Kali.

  
“Is this the same one…” Castiel didn’t need to finish his question, as Gabriel was eager to answer.

  
“The lovely Hindu girl my mother caught me with in high school when she decided to send me off to seminary? Yes, it is.”

  
“Didn’t her parents send her to an arranged marriage after the two of you got caught?” Castiel couldn’t keep his puzzlement out of his voice.

  
“Yep. But apparently she still feels about me the way I’ve always felt about her. She backed out of her arranged marriage and we’re getting married,” Gabriel explained. “What about you, Castiel? It wasn’t your devotion to the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost that brought you to the priesthood either, so I’m sure you can understand how I feel?”

  
“Well…as you know, my situation isn’t exactly the same as yours. When I was in high school my mother caught me making out with my chem lab partner,” Castiel said, even though he had told Gabriel the story before.

  
“And you went to an all-boys school, right?” Gabriel prodded, not sure why he wanted to hear his friend’s story again. Well, maybe he had a little idea. He knew Castiel belonged there about as much as he did. Which was not at all. Gabriel wanted Castiel to find love, not avoid it simply because he’s always been told the kind of love he seeks is a sin.

  
“Which is why Mother pulled me out and home schooled me until she sent me to seminary,” Castiel stated wearily.

  
“Are you still in contact with that boy?” Gabriel asked.

  
“No. It wasn’t love like you have with Kali. It was just a dalliance.” Castiel was already sick of this conversation.

  
Gabriel turned and looked directly at Castiel, his whiskey colored eyes that were normally filled with mirth now were serious, and perhaps a bit concerned. “Love, of any kind, isn’t a sin,” he stated without preamble. “Think about it. Our Father IS love, therefore, how can loving someone…truly loving someone possibly be a sin?”

  
Castiel went over and over that conversation in his head all the time since Gabriel had left the church. He was grateful that their friendship remained intact, and he was ecstatic that his friend was so happy in his wedded bliss. But now that he was alone within the order, he was struggling. Especially since the new priest who replaced Gabriel had come along.

  
Father Michael was truly a stunning sight to behold. All disheveled dark hair and brooding hazel green eyes, it took an actual act of God for Castiel to keep from staring at him all day and all night. He could barely introduce himself to the new priest when he started, let alone give him a tour of the church and adjoining grounds, as had always been his responsibility. Since that day, Castiel had done his best to avoid the handsome young priest.

  
Until that one day he couldn’t anymore. Father Michael found Castiel out in the garden, on that same bench he had occupied the last time he and Gabriel had spoken there. “Castiel,” Michael began (they rarely addressed each other by “Father” when they were alone.) “Is there a reason you’ve been avoiding me?”

  
Castiel was startled by the interruption, but more so by the voice. Michael’s voice was deep, but smooth. Quite the way Castiel would imagine black velvet would sound if it had a voice. It did down right sinful things to his mind and body, and his first instinct was to run away from the man, as he had been doing for weeks now. But that wouldn’t solve anything. He’d have to simply ignore his feelings. The worst part for him though, wasn’t the feelings. It was the fact that he couldn’t go to confession to be absolved of the sin, because if he confessed to the Abbot, he would be defrocked in a heartbeat.

“I-I haven’t been avoiding you, Michael,” Castiel lied, and it stuck in his throat. He couldn’t go on. All he could do was stare at the man. His eyes, his lips, his…Castiel had to tear his eyes away before he got past the lips. “To Hell with this,” Castiel said, mostly to himself. He was tired. Tired of fighting, tired of denying himself, so he finally gave in. He walked right into the other man’s personal space, cupped his face, and kissed him, hard. It was as if all the control he had built up over many years had finally come crashing down and he couldn’t contain it anymore. Then, the kiss was over. Once Castiel realized what he had done, he was mortified. He stammered out the lamest of all apologies and walked right off the church grounds. Once he reached the street, he hailed a taxi and went straight to Gabriel’s door.


	2. If you can’t be what you want, you learn to be the things you’re not.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Um…” The guy is staring again. Dean shifts his weight from left to right, suddenly feeling awkward. “Dean Winchester.” He offers his hand to the man, who is still staring, by the way. “Head librarian.” 
> 
> This seems to snap the man out of whatever reverie he’d been in and he offers his hand. “Castiel Novak.” 
> 
> Dean takes the hand with a grin and gives it a shake. “Nice to meet you, Castiel. Are you new here?” 
> 
> Castiel nods solemnly, his blue eyes darting over Dean as if taking all of him in. “I’m joining the religion faculty.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title Reference: "The Things That Stop You Dreaming" by Passenger

Outside the windows of the library, the late August sun beat down on the wilting grass of the campus lawn. Summer was giving its last hurrah and fall waited just around the corner. Dean’s feelings regarding summer were complicated at best. Fall brought nice things – weather that was cool but not too cold, colorful leaves, Halloween (SWEET!), and best of all: the end of allergy season. (Seriously, that was the _best_.) On the other hand, fall brought what was undoubtedly the scourge of his existence: the return of the students to campus. This meant students in the library, _his_ library. They’d be talking on their cell phones, flirting, losing his books, crinkling the pages, asking questions that could be answered with Google, and worst of all, talking too loudly. (Dean didn’t hate talking per se; rather, he hated shushing them like he was some old school marm. He was 35, for crying out loud. That’s not old.) With a sigh, Dean turns from the window and steps back to the circulation desk. He doesn’t hate students; in fact, students were as often a joy to be around for as much as they were an annoyance. And graduate students? They were the best. He was going to have three graduate assistants this year and that meant another major overhaul to the stacks. He couldn’t wait.

For the moment, the library was silent. He could hear a faint clicking coming from the shared office to his right. Charlie had said she was working on some new method of digitizing the older books in their collection to protect them from uncaring hands. Dean picked up several books lying on the desk and placed them on the cart so they could be re-shelved later. He fussed around the desk for a few moments, clearing away the clutter and settling things in their rightful place. Dean savored the last few moments of peace and quiet. He took a deep breath, taking in the soothing scent of books and then promptly sneezed. (Books were nice, but let’s face it, dust loved them. Dust did not love Dean.)

“Hey Charlie!” He called out, walking back towards the office that they shared.

“What’s up, my bitch?” Charlie replied without looking up from her computer. Her fingers flew over the keys at roughly light speed.

“I’m going on a lunch run. Whaddya want? It’s on me.” Dean waggles his eyebrows at her, green eyes sparkling behind the wire frames of his glasses.

“ _On you_?” Charlie snorts. “Sick, Winchester.” She snaps up a pop figurine from her desk and pelts him with it.

Jamie Lannister bounces off Dean’s chest, leaving Dean scrambling to catch it. Heaven forbid Charlie break one of her figures throwing it at him. That would be his fault and he’d have to replace it after paying whatever penalty the Queen of Moondor chose to levy. (He’s not sure how that would be his fault, since she threw it but invariably it would be.) He replaces Jamie on her desk and pushes him towards her with one finger. “Not what I meant and you know it, Charlie.”

She lays a dazzling grin on him as she replaces Jamie where he belongs before turning back to her computer screen. “Bring me a salad and a large coke. Thanks, Dean.”

Just like that, he’s been dismissed as if he isn’t the boss here. Which he is. He picks his keys up from the corner of his desk and heads out into the library proper then out the front doors. On his way out, he passes a plaque next to the door. It reads, _Dean Winchester, MLS, Head Librarian_. Under his name are two others: Charlie Bradbury, and Garth Fitzgerald. Both of them are marked as Assistant Librarians. Charlie might be cute as hell and give him lip, but at the end of the day it was _his_ library. Dean jogged down the grand library steps and out into the blistering August sun.

Dean isn’t the picture of the standard librarian. Currently he’s wearing worn jeans over boots and a dark blue Henley. School’s not in session yet and the dress code will be lax for the next couple of days. The only thing stereotypical librarian about him is the wire rimmed glasses that flash in the sun for a moment as he takes the left path towards the parking lot where he left his Baby. He tugs his cellphone out of his pocket and shoots off a message to Sam.

_Me: Lunch time, Bitch._

A moment later, his phone dings.

 _Bitch:_ _Bring me a salad, Jerk._

Dean chuckles as he replies.

_Me: Fine, rabbit food it is._

He can almost hear Sam’s eyes rolling. He rounds the corner just in time to hear a loud clatter somewhere to his right. There, a man is standing with a cardboard box with the bottom torn out. He looks sadly at a pile of books which had clearly been in the box before its untimely demise. Dean’s never seen him before and he’s pretty sure he knows everyone.

“Hey!” Dean calls out, jogging towards the man and his mess of books. “Let me help you.”

As he draws closer to the man, he slows to a brisk walk. His first thought is _Hot_. There is no question about it. Messy dark hair over brilliant blue eyes behind dark framed glasses. Dean has an impression of a blue striped tie and a grey sweater vest and khaki pants. He barely notices honestly because those eyes, they catch him. In his defense, the guy _is_ staring at him. Dean breaks the gaze first.

“That looks like an armful without the box.” He glances to the books and back up and gets a better look. This time he takes in five o’clock shadow and pink lips that look both extremely kissable and in need of Chap Stick.

 “Um…” The guy is staring again. Dean shifts his weight from left to right, suddenly feeling awkward. “Dean Winchester.” He offers his hand to the man, who is still staring, by the way. “Head librarian.”

This seems to snap the man out of whatever reverie he’d been in and he offers his hand. “Castiel Novak.”

Dean takes the hand with a grin and gives it a shake. “Nice to meet you, Castiel. Are you new here?”

Castiel nods solemnly, his blue eyes darting over Dean as if taking all of him in. “I’m joining the religion faculty.”

“Oh yeah, I remember reading about that in an email.” Okay, so Dean deletes most of those unread. If he’d known the new religion professor was going to be this hot he would have paid closer attention. “So, how about I help you get these books to your office?” He crouches down without waiting for an answer and begins to stack them neatly, gently smoothing wrinkles out of the pages as he goes.

Across from him, Castiel kneels and begins stacking up the books as well. “Thank you.” He seems to be watching Dean’s hands as he smooths the pages.

“No biggie.” Dean says, hoisting his pile up as he stands. “We’ll be working together, after all.”

Castiel also stands, his stack of books is smaller than Dean’s. “I… my office isn’t far.” He nods towards the nearest brick building, which houses both the religion and the history departments. It’s also the closest building on campus to the library.

“Lead the way, man.” Dean says, falling in step next to Castiel.

***

Castiel groaned when the bottom fell out of his box.  He briefly wondered if Gabriel was right, and he was bringing WAY to many books with him to his new job as Professor of Religious Studies.  This was a good school, whose library had an excellent reputation for stocking everything and anything teachers and students would need.  Gabriel’s wife, Kali, a Law Professor there, spoke highly of the library.  Even if she didn’t speak nearly as highly of the Head Librarian.

Suddenly, he hears someone shout at him, “Hey!”  A tall man comes striding towards him.  “Let me help you.”  The tall, lanky man kneels down and starts to help Castiel with his books.  The first thing that he notices are his eyes.  They are a shade of green that he’s seen in nature, but he can’t quite place where.  Castiel realizes he could easily get lost in the other man’s eyes, so he quickly drops his gaze to stare at his hands.  His beautiful hands with long, lean fingers.

The other man had said something, but Castiel was too busy trying not to stare at anything that he didn’t hear him, until the man finally introduces himself.

“Dean Winchester, Head Librarian.”

Oh, so THIS was the Dean Winchester Kali had warned him about.  Apparently, he was quite a well-known player around campus, and very much did not have a “type.”  According to Kali, he wouldn’t take “no” for an answer, either.  He kept hitting on her until she had the opportunity to prove to him that her fiancé Gabriel was real.

But Castiel is nothing, if not polite, so he extends his own hand and introduces himself as well.

The two make polite small talk as Castiel leads the way to his office.  He can practically feel Dean’s gaze on his ass.  He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t strutting just a little bit at the thought.  Inwardly, he did chide himself, however.  Just because he was no longer a man of the cloth, it did not mean he should indulge in petty emotions such as pride in one’s appearance.

Once they arrived in Castiel’s office, the two men chatted easily as Dean helped him to sort and put his books away.  “I guess it was lucky that the Head Librarian happened upon my little mishap,” Castiel said with humor.

“Well, if there is one thing I know, it’s books,” Dean said lamely, mentally berating himself for it.

Castiel laughed good-naturedly, though.  He was starting to wonder if Kali had either misjudged Dean, or exaggerated his flirting prowess.  Because Dean was not being flirty at all, that Castiel could tell.  Not that he would know.

Dean’s phone suddenly chimed with a text, immediately followed by another one.  Without even looking at his phone, he suddenly spoke up.  “Hey..um…Cas, do you think you can handle it from here?  I forgot I’m supposed to be picking up lunch for my assistant and my brother.  They’re probably going to be pretending to be starving to death by now,” he chuckled.

Castiel squinted at the nick name Dean had decided to bestow on him.  Instead of questioning it, he chose to simply answer what Dean had asked.  “Yes, I believe I can handle it from here.  Thank you for all your help.”

“No problem,” Dean replied.  “Hey, uh, you think you might want to join me for a drink later…so I can give you a proper welcome to the university and what not?”

And there it was, what Kali had warned him about.  “It always starts with a drink,” she had said.  Well, he wasn’t interested in being another conquest.  “I’m afraid I’ll have to pass.  I have a lot to prepare for before my first class.  But thank you.”

“Oh, um, ok.  That’s cool man.  Some other time,” Dean said before quickly ducking out of the office.

Castiel watched the man go, trying to decide what to make of the infamous Dean Winchester. He had the vague impression that Kali had been exaggerating but then, ten minutes wasn’t exactly enough to make a decision of any sort. The man had hit on him and checked him out, after all. That seemed to concur with what Kali had told him. Having his ass checked out had been nice though. With a shrug, he turned back to finish shelving his books. When he tucked the last one onto the shelf, he went to his desk to check his progress. With a week to go before classes started, he’d need to have everything in order. It didn’t help, however, that his mind was drawn back to green eyes.

 ***

 

‘ _I know books?’_ Dean mouthed the words as he headed back to the Impala. _Seriously smooth, Winchester._ He practically snorted, wondering where his natural charm and ease with flirting had gone. It was odd, but he found that when he turned his eyes on Castiel in the office, his mouth had felt strangely dry. In the small space, he’d been intensely aware of how attractive the man was and well, the first thing to come to mind had simply slipped out. It wasn’t the first time he’d been turned down, his ego could handle it. As it was, he found that the University sorts were a little harder to pick up than your run of the mill bar fly. Faculty only, of course. Students were completely off limits.

He slipped behind the wheel of his Baby and let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.  Obviously, he needed to hit the bar tonight. It’d been a couple of days; clearly he’d gotten out of practice. Having decided this, he turned the key and pulled out of his space, directing the Impala toward the nearby deli that Sam and Charlie favored. He’d get lunch, and then he had about ten very old and very rare books to place into their vault for one of the history professors. No time at all to think of blue eyed religion professors.

***

 

As it turned out, that been a good plan. Handling old books took a lot of time, care, and concentration. By the time he came up for air, it was nearly 7 o’clock. By summer hours, the library was closed and Charlie had been gone for nearly two hours. As he walked into his office to shed his gloves (which kept the oils of his skin off the pages of the books) and pick up his cell phone (too much temptation to pick it up when he was working). The indicator light was blinking and he had five texts waiting on him. The first two were from Charlie.

 _QoM: Hey! I need your opinion on something._ _2:43pm_

_QoM: LOL. You should know not to leave your phone alone with me. Later, Bitch! 4:55pm_

Crap. Dean did know better. With trepidation, he opened the gallery to see what Charlie had done. There were indeed, a great many pictures that hadn’t been there before. Parts of the library at odd angles, multiple close ups of her POP figures, and one picture that likely was the janitor’s plumber’s crack. He deleted them all.

The next three were from Sam.

_Bitch: Hey, what are you doing for dinner? 4:30pm_

_Bitch: Dean? 4:35pm_

_Bitch: Come on Dean, I’m starving. 5:40pm_

_Me: Sorry, Sammy. I had some old books to take care of. 7:05pm_

Having responded, Dean tucked his phone into his pocket and shut off the last few lights of the library. He paused in the foyer to lock up the library. He set the alarm code before going to the outer doors and stopped dead. In the fading light, he could see Castiel leaving the religion building. The late evening sun kissed the man’s features. He could have gone out, hit on him again, tried to get that drink but let’s face it, he’d learned a couple of things about that from the debacle with the law professor. Never again. Being called up to HR had NOT been fun. He might allow himself a light flirt, a drink and what not, but with one strike on his record he couldn’t afford another. He loved his job and the library too much for that.

So, it didn’t matter how hot the guy is. It’s better if he stays away. Dean watches as Castiel walks into the parking lot and out of sight. Only then does he leave the library. He stands on the library steps and appreciates the evening as the heat bleeds out of the day. He texts Sam enough to find out he went to dinner with friends an hour ago. He waits until he hears an engine turn on and a car drive away. Once he’s sure Castiel is gone, he rounds the library building and slides into Baby. He’s definitely going to go home, take a shower and head to the Roadhouse for the evening. A few beers and a hot guy or gal to enjoy for the night; that’s exactly what the librarian ordered.

***

Castiel decided to stop at the Farmer’s Market on his way home.  He liked to help with the grocery shopping, since the newlyweds Gabriel and Kali were kind enough to let him stay at their place until he was able to get his own.  He had spent the summer working at the Gas N Sip, so unfortunately, he could only stay where there was no rent.  But he could still help out with some of the expenses, like groceries.

The Farmer’s Market was so peaceful, especially this time of the evening.  As he was perusing the fresh produce, he spotted it.  What he couldn’t place earlier.  The exact shade of green as Dean Winchester’s eyes.  Granny Smith apples!  Castiel should have recognized that color.  Smiling to himself, he purchased several.  He had a sudden urge to bake a pie for Dean as a “thank you” for helping with his books.  As he placed the Granny Smiths into his baskets, Castiel sighed and also picked up several Gala apples.  He knew he’d have to bake a pie for Gabriel as well, or the one he made Dean would never survive.

Much later that evening, Castiel is admiring his handy work, two beautiful, delectable apple pies.  The one made with Gala apples for Gabriel was a vision of almost perfect lattice work, while the Granny Smith one for Dean really showed off the former priest’s baking prowess.  The top of the crust featured an artful apple cut out that showed the gooey deliciousness underneath, while the rest of the crust was decorated in candied apple peels, which glowed a sleek, jeweled green under the bright kitchen lights.  The smell of the baking pies had drawn Gabriel to the kitchen several times while Castiel was trying to work.  Now that the pies were finished baking and finally almost cool, he called Gabriel down and rewarded his patience with his very own apple pie.

“Why thank you, Cassie!” Gabriel gushed as he looked over the lattice pie that was before him, already reaching for a knife to cut it. “It’s almost a shame to cut it…almost.” There was a gleam in his eye as the knife severed the lattice so he could cut a large, perfectly shaped wedge. He lifted it onto his plate and watched the steam rise. He glanced at Castiel, arching an eyebrow. “I might drool on myself a little bit.”

Castiel laughed. “By all means, enjoy it however you wish.”

“Oh, I intend to.” Gabriel proclaimed with a brow waggle.

Castiel settled at the table to watch Gabriel tuck into the pie. He hoped Dean enjoyed it as much as Gabriel seemed to.

Almost as if reading his thoughts, Gabriel spoke around a mouthful of apples. “So! Who’s the other pie for?”

Castiel froze, glancing out of the side of his eye. “Just someone at work. A thank you.”

“A thank you? What for?” Gabriel’s eyes glittered with mirth and something else.

“Just… help with my books.” Castiel thought quickly. He wasn’t particularly skilled at lying but given their history, he was sure mentioning Dean Winchester would be a bad idea.

“An apple for another teacher?” Again with the eyebrow waggle. Gabriel was either onto the lie or he was getting at something lascivious.

“No, it’s not what you are thinking.” Castiel said quickly. He winced, knowing it came out too fast to be nonchalant. “Just… someone was kind when I dropped my things. I’m not sure who.”

“Hmmmm.” Gabriel looked at him for a long moment before shrugging and turning back to his pie. “I guess tracking them down will be half the fun.”

Castiel breathed a sigh of relief. Gabriel had dropped it… for now.

***

The next day, Castiel can’t wait to give Dean the pie that he’s pretty sure he spent way too much time on.  He smiled to himself anyway.  He was proud of his work.

When Castiel walked into the library, he was disappointed to not see Dean at the front desk.  Instead there was a tall, very slender man behind it.  Awkwardly, he approached the desk.  Before Castiel could introduce himself, ask for Dean, or even say “hello,” the man spoke up in a very cheery voice.

“Hi!  You must be Castiel Novak, the new religion professor.  That picture in the new faculty email doesn’t do you justice.” The man smiled jovially.  “Oh, where are my manners.  I’m Garth Fitzgerald IV, assistant librarian.  It’s nice to meet you.”  Garth extended his hand in greeting.

“Um, yes, I’m Castiel Novak,” he responded slowly.  Castiel wasn’t used to someone being so chipper and loud, especially inside a library.  He shook the friendly man’s hand, and was immediately put at ease by his pleasant smile.  “Can you tell me where to find Dean Winchester?  He-um-he helped me out yesterday and I just wanted to thank him,” Castiel asked self-consciously.

“Sure, no problem dude,” Garth answered effortlessly.  “He’s showing his new grad students around…by this time in the tour they’re probably over in the War History section.”

“Thank you,” Castiel smiled at Garth before heading off to search for Dean.

Charlie walked out of her office just as Castiel headed away.  “Was that the new religion professor?” She asked. 

“Yep,” Garth said.

“Damn, if I wasn’t into chicks, I would SO hit that!” Charlie exclaimed.

“True that,” Garth agreed.

They grinned at each other for a moment with Charlie raising her eyebrows at Garth and a nod from him in return. They looked vaguely as if they were up to something.

When Castiel finally found Dean, he was leading three grad students around the stacks.  The group consisted of a tiny Asian girl, a tall Asian boy, and a tall blonde girl.  Castiel smiled when the girl turned and glanced over her shoulder and he immediately recognized her.  But he decided he should greet Dean first, since that would cause less disruption to the group.

“Hello, Dean,” Castiel said once he closed the distance to the group.

“Hey Cas,” Dean responded, his apple green eyes sparkled behind his wire rimmed glasses.  After a minute, Dean remembered his manners and introduced the group.  “These are my grad student volunteers.  Um, this is Regina Choi, Kevin Tran, and Claire Novak.”

Upon hearing their names, Kevin and Claire stopped making googly eyes at each other long enough to see who they were being introduced too.  Claire’s blue eyes lit up. “Uncle Cassie!”  She exclaimed as she moved to give him a big hug, almost knocking the pie out of his hands.

“Claire!  I didn’t know you were in school here.” Castiel responded warmly, repositioning the pie in his hands to return her hug.  “Hey, uh, do me a favor and don’t tell my mother that I’m working here.”

“Psh…Naomi is a bitch.  Like I’d tell her anything,” Claire said with an eye roll.

“Hey, that IS your grandmother you’re talking about,” he chided her.

“Whatever, Mom has called her worse, and it’s HER mother.”

“Yes, well, Anna has always been a bit impetuous.”

“I hate to interrupt this touching family reunion,” Dean interrupts.  “But, um, Cas, did you come here for a reason?”  Dean was using all of his will power to not stare into Castiel’s eyes, which shone the bluest blue that ever blued behind his thick rimmed glasses.

“Oh, yeah,” Castiel replied, suddenly nervous.  In a rush, before he lost his nerve, Castiel said, “Ijustwantedtothankyouagainforhelpingmewithmybooks. HereIbakedyouapie.” Inwardly, Castiel cursed at himself for the way his words rushed together.

Chuckling softly, Dean said, “Hey, um, Cas, you wanna run that by me again?  Slowly?”

Ducking his head and blushing deeply, Castiel took a deep breath and tried again.  “I just wanted to thank you again for helping me with my books.  I baked you a pie.”  He practically thrust the pie at the other man.

Dean took the pie and looked down at it through the clear lid over the pie tin.  “Wow, Cas, this…this is amazing.  I think this is probably the most beautiful pie I’ve ever seen.”  Was he _gushing_?  _Dammit, Dean, get it together!_ He thought to himself.  “Um, thanks,” he added lamely.

“Wow!  That’s awesome!  Pie is like, Dean’s most favorite food EVER!” Garth exclaimed from behind the stacks where he and Charlie had been eavesdropping.

Dean shot the two of them a look with his lips pressed together. “Seriously?”

Garth ducked his head, on the surface looking contrite, however there was a curve to his lips that said otherwise to someone who knew him well.

Charlie, on the other hand, grinned without shame. “Nice looking pie.”

Dean jerked said pie closer to his body. “Mine. I’m not sharing.”

“Fine.” Charlie said with an eye roll. “I’m not sharing my cookies with you.” She’d brought some homemade confections with her that day.

“Fine.” Dean said.

“Fine.” Charlie shot back. There was a moment filled with the two of them glaring at each other, albeit with smiles on their faces.

“Who’s watching the front desk?” Dean finally said with a sigh.

“Oops.” Garth said and turned to jog back to the front desk.

Dean turned back to Castiel, trying to manage to look charming or something. All he really felt was awkward. It wasn’t fair that the new professor had to be so damn hot. “Thanks for the pie, Cas. You, really didn’t have to do this.”

“It was the least I could do.” Castiel demurred, glancing away from Dean with heating cheeks. “I’ll just…” He pointed vaguely towards the exit. “I’ve got other things I need to do.”

“Sure. I’ll see you around.” Dean said, shuffling between his feet a little awkwardly. He had no clue why the presence of the other man turned him into a clumsy moron. Maybe it was because he’d found something he wanted but couldn’t have. “Bye, Cas.”

Castiel simply waved over his shoulder before turning out of the stacks and disappearing from sight.

Dean handed the pie to Charlie. “Put this on my desk. If you touch it, there will be consequences.”

Charlie nodded and bobbed a fake curtsey before she too vanished into the stacks. She might be the Queen of Moondor outside but in here, Dean was the boss.

He turned back to his graduate students and noticed the blonde one, Claire, giving him a look. He pointed at her and gave her the stern face. “Not one word.” Then turned on his heel to continue the tour. He was well aware of the giggling behind him as he walked on.

***

Several hours later, Dean had finished the tour and set up the working schedule for the grad student for the next month. He noted that Claire and Kevin had attempted to schedule as many shifts as possible together. That was going to be trouble, but he had some hopes that Castiel’s niece could behave herself. (He was totally going to ask about the niece thing later… he wanted to get to know the girl first.) He flopped down onto the chair behind his desk with a sigh. He almost put his legs up on it until he saw the pie.

The pie. Even thinking about the fact that Castiel made him a pie put a smile on his face. He scooted forward and gazed down on the delicious looking treat. It was pristine, completely untouched and waiting just for him. He considered digging into it at that moment but decided it would be better to wait until he was at home. He could eat the whole thing and no one would be the wiser. Having decided that, he went to his computer. Charlie and Garth had already gone home. All he had to do was check his email and then he was free for the night.

He tapped the keys on his keyboard to enter his password and then waited for his email to load, whistling to himself. His mind wandered to Cas again and he wished that he didn’t have the rule that kept him away from other employees of the university. The man seemed sweet to him, and the fact that he was incredibly attractive didn’t hurt. Once again, he bemoaned the silliness that had carried him into trouble with HR. There was no help for that now. His email flashed up onto the screen and he drew closer to the screen to read them in earnest. Most of it was the same old administrative crap that was associated with the beginning of the school year. One, however, caught his attention. The address was something strange which caught his attention.

He pushed his glasses up his nose as he opened the email. He really knew better but he did it anyway. He read the contents of the note and felt his stomach drop. It was really quite simple. 3 words.

_I’m watching you._

Below the text were three pictures. Each one of him, each a different bar, taken on a different night. In each one, he had a different person on his arm; two were women, the third a man. He felt a chill rush down his spine. Who was watching him? And why?

***

Dean slumped down in a booth in the corner of the Roadhouse. On a normal night, he would have settled at the bar to converse with Ellen and tease Jo. Tonight, after receiving that ominous email, he found himself pensive. Not in the mood for direct company but also not in the mood to be alone. He knew if he ran into Sam, his brother would gnaw at him like a dog with a bone. He’d avoided that by paying for a pizza to be delivered to their place for Sam so he could have dinner. The texts they sent between them hinted that Sam was suspicious. Dean would deal with that later.

He was toying with his phone when Jo sidled up with a gleam in her eye that said she was feeling feisty tonight. “What are you drinking, Dean?”

Whiskey was tempting and he gave it a hard thought. It was, however, a good giveaway that something was wrong. Ellen and Jo knew his habits. He liked that about this place. At the same time, it left him little anonymity. It had been a toss-up between disappearing into a crowd of strangers and going with a place of comfort. Comfort won.

“Beer, please Jo.”

She reached out and placed the back of her hand on his forehead. “He even says please! Are you sick?”

“Give over.” He muttered as he brushed her hand away. “ ‘ been a long day. Give me a minute and I’ll be giving you hell.”

Jo sniffed, her eyes narrowing before she turned and went back to the bar.

Dean breathed a sigh of relief and slumped down further and let his mind wander. For the life of him, he couldn’t figure out who would be spying on him. Were they spying now? Why were they collecting pictures of his one night stands? Everyone knew about that and he wasn’t particularly ashamed of it. That was just how Dean Winchester rolled. Jo dropped the pint off at his table and looked like she was about to say something when another patron called for her. She left but he knew that she’d be back.

He could spend all night bending his brain around that particular problem or he could think about everything else that was going on around him. He’d done a good job putting Cas from his mind as not a possibility but then the man went and made him a pie. An actual, delicious looking apple pie, which was his favorite food. Apple was the king of pies where Dean was concerned. It was still calling his name from the front seat of Baby. He’d have brought it in if it wouldn’t have offended Ellen. He felt strange about it. Not bad strange, just strange. He didn’t know what to make of it.

He had just finished his beer when Ellen slid a bacon cheeseburger with fries in front of him as well as another beer. She settled into the booth across from him.

She fixed him with her best mom glare. “Spill.” Really, Ellen’s stern face was quite impressive and Dean had the urge to pour his guts out for her.

He resisted. “It’s just work crap, Ellen.”

“Since when does work make you sit at your table and sulk?”

“I’m not sulking.” Dean crossed his arms and scowled. He almost added ‘You’re sulking’ but reeled it back in. Ellen could and would make him regret those words. Ellen just looked at him, her eyebrows raised. He sighed. “I just got this weird email. That’s all. It was… creepy.”

“Creepy how?” Stern melted into concern.

“Like, pictures of me doing stuff.” Dean said, shifting in his seat.

“You have a stalker?” Ellen blinked at this. She looked as if she had no more clue than Dean had.

“Why would I have a stalker?” Dean honestly pondered this. He was really clear with his ‘dates’ about the expected length of the relationship… which was nil. One night and done, that’s what he promised.

“Are you sure it’s not one of your…” Ellen began.

He cut her off. “No! I… I’m really honest with them. I swear.”

This made Ellen pensive. “I’ll talk to Bobby, see what he can make of it.”

“Don’t Ellen, please? Don’t bring Bobby into this. I’m sure it’s nothing.” Dean knew how that would turn out. “Bobby will tell either Mom or Dad and they’ll get worried. They’ll ask Sam, then Sam will get worried.”

“They love you, boy.” Ellen became stern again. “We all do.”

“I know.” Dean knew this and loved them all for it. “I promise you, if I get another, I’ll tell you. Okay?”

Ellen stared at him again, making him squirm before she nodded. “I’d better be the first.”

“You will be.” Dean promised.

She smiled at him as she reached out and laid her hand over his. “Eat your burger, Dean. It’s on the house.”

Normally Dean would have argued this, but tonight he just nodded. Satisfied, Ellen got up and left.

Dean attacked his burger, feeling a little better. He knew the problem wasn’t solved but it was good to have people in his corner. He hoped it would go away, that would be ideal.

Almost like clockwork, Jo slid into the booth across from him, taking the spot her mother vacated just 20 minutes earlier. He honestly had been expecting it. He scowled at her, despite the fact that he really didn’t mind. Jo was a little easier to talk to than her mother.

“Soooo, I saw you talking to Mom.” Jo drawled as she settled a salad in front of her. She must be on her break.

“Yeah. We talked.” Dean said, being deliberately unhelpful until she rolled her eyes at him. “It was nothing Jo, just some douchebag at work.”

Jo picked up her fork and began eating her salad. How either she or Sam could enjoy that rabbit food was beyond him. After a few bites, she set the fork down and spoke with a shrewd smile. “That’s not all.”

Dean shook his head. They’d known each other too long for him to sneak anything past Jo; he’d been pulling her pigtails and chasing her around since they were kids. She was practically his sister. “No, I… its stupid.” He wanted to talk about the Cas thing. Jo knew about his work trouble, and she knew that he liked dudes as well as chicks.

Jo leveled a look at him. It was the patented Jo look which roughly meant that she thought he was being an idiot and she was going to punch him if he didn’t come clean. He loved that about her.

“So, there’s this guy…”

Jo cut him off. “There is? Is he hot? Where’d you meet him?”

Now Dean sent her a look. “If you’d shut up, I’d tell you.” She waved her hand in front of her; he took it to mean that he should go on.

“So, I met him on campus earlier this week. And yes, he’s hot. Stupidly hot. Fry your brain and make you awkward hot.”

Jo immediately laughed. “Dean Winchester? Made awkward by hot? This I’ve got to see.”

Dean shook his head. “It’s a no go. He’s a professor. Apparently is teaching this year in the religion department.”

Jo winced and dropped her chin onto her fist. She looked as if she were about to say something, then simply nodded for him to go on.

“He dropped his books and I helped him carry them to his office.”

“Awwww.” Jo said in her best cutesy voice.

Dean pursed his lips and frowned at her until she stopped. “I asked him to go out for a drink. He shot me down. End of story, right?”

“Obviously not.”

“So today, he brings me a pie.” Dean’s eyes sparkle just thinking about it. It’s still calling his name. “In the library. I was showing the new grad students around and there he is with a freaking apple pie. That he baked himself.”

“Oh the horror!”

“Stuff it Jo.” Dean growled at her. “It was stupid of me to break THE RULE and ask him out in the first place. I know better.”

Jo nodded sagely, her lips pulling into a frown.

“And then this. He’s hot and bakes pies? Fuck my life.” Dean picked up his burger and took a vengeful bite. Maybe if he chewed hard enough, he’d relieve some of his frustration.

“I can see how that would be mixed signals…” Jo began, “… to you. It’s the perfect storm to attract a little of Dean’s attention.”

Talking to Jo was a pain in the ass. He loved her, but still, a pain in the ass. She might have something useful to say. She always had a different perspective on things.

“Maybe he wants to be friends.” She pointed out, quite reasonably.

Dean laughed. “Straight to the friend zone, huh?” It didn’t surprise him really, no one really stayed. Most wanted a hot lay for a night, not Dean himself. He never forgot that.

“It could be a good thing, Dean.” She stretched across the table to poke his hand with her fingers, effectively making him look up at her. “You get to know each other. See if you like each other. You know, normal people things.” She rolled her eyes and pinched the back of his hand. “Not everything plays out like the porn in your head.”

Heart to heart over. Dean was relieved. “But it’s so much better that way!” He waggled his eyebrows at her with a charming grin, which earned him a groan.

“Seriously Dean?”

He polished off his beer and stood up, dropping a twenty on the table to pay for his dinner. “Thanks Jo.”

“Hey!” Jo said, hopping up from the booth to try to catch his arm. “Dean…”

“I’ve got a pie with my name on it, just waiting for me.” Dean had had enough serious talk. He hated chick flick moments (Okay, he didn’t hate them and he’d hoped Jo would talk to him but he’d never tell.) and was through being honest tonight. He could hear the frustrated noise Jo made behind him as he let himself out of the Roadhouse with a wave for Ellen. He’d drive baby home, eat a pie (yes, the whole thing), and not think about any of this anymore. He’d be friends with Cas. Just friends. That should be easy, right?


	3. It was only a kiss.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Well, your knight in shining armor is here,” Dean said jovially once Castiel was finished telling his story. “I happen to know a thing or two about cars. My dad is a mechanic.”
> 
> “Can you really help me, Dean?” Cas asked. His normally low and gravelly voice was thick with his unshed tears.
> 
> Castiel sounded so scared and lost, and well, that just broke Dean’s heart. “Yeah, man. Get out and let me take a look.” He opened the door and gestured out, indicating Castiel should move.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title Reference: "Mr. Brightside" by The Killers
> 
> This will be the last update for a few days. We both work...a lot. LOL. But we're going to try to stick to a Saturday-Tuesday posting schedule from here on out.
> 
> Thank you for all the awesome comments! Your comments give us LIFE! Please keep them coming! You guys ROCK!

Castiel was relieved to escape to his office after his first four classes.  It was the first day of school and he already wanted to rethink his new career path.  Four classes of rowdy freshmen who did not want to take Religion 101, whether it was required or not.  He briefly considered breaking out the bottle of Scotch he found in the bottom drawer of his desk.  Instead, he merely dropped his head onto his desk and groaned.  He had no problem performing Mass for over 200 people, but teaching two dozen young adults was a totally different thing all together.

Castiel had started getting a pretty good pity party going when he heard a knock on his door.  He barely managed to lift his head up and mumble a “Come in.”

“Hey Uncle Cassie!”  A sassy blonde exclaimed when she bounced in.  “Whoa…looks like you’re having a rough day.”

“Seeing you is definitely a bright spot, Claire.  What brings you here?”  Castiel smiled at his cheerful niece.

Claire sat down in the chair on the other side of the desk and propped her long legs up on it.  “Dean sent me on break, but kept Kevin working on sorting…something.  I think he’s trying to keep us apart,” she sighed dramatically.

“Dean?  Shouldn’t you call your boss ‘Mr. Winchester’?”

“Mr. Winchester is my father,” Claire said, doing probably the worst Dean Winchester impression in the history of ever.  “He insisted we call him Dean.” She added in her own voice.

Castiel was dying to ask about Dean.  He was wondering if the librarian had enjoyed the pie.  He also wanted to hear someone’s opinion other than Gabriel and Kali’s, as they had good reason to think poorly of him.  Instead of asking any of the Dean-related questions fighting for attention in his head, Castiel asked, “So, who is this Kevin boy, and should I be worried?”

“No, you don’t need to worry about Kevin, Uncle Cassie.”  Claire said while rolling her eyes.  “Kevin had a crush on me since we were undergrads.  I just kind of thought he was this geeky nerd.  Anyway, we both stayed here for summer session and were working in the bookstore when suddenly he stopped seeming like such a geeky nerd and just this cute, sweet guy who liked me.”  She shrugged.  “I just like him is all.”

After blushing for probably half a second, Claire was clearly ready to change the subject.  She dropped her feet from the desk to the floor, leaned on the desk, and cleared her throat.  “And what, exactly, is going on between you and Dean?  I mean, you baked the dude a pie for crying out loud.”

It was Castiel’s turn to blush…which probably lasted more than half a second.  “He-he was kind to me.  I wanted to repay him.”

“Well, just for the record, Dean is a pretty cool guy.”  Claire said.  Looking at her watch, she added, “I should probably get back so Kevin can take a break.  He gets cranky when his blood sugar dips too low.”  With that, she got up and went on her way.

***

After the visit from Claire, Castiel’s day went back downhill.  The more advanced students in his Comparative Religions courses were no better than the freshmen from earlier.  He did, in fact, end up opening the bottle of Glencraig scotch that had been in his desk for who knows how long.  And he understood why the previous occupant of his office had kept it in there.  Now, all he wanted to do was to go home and pass out.

Castiel tiredly made his way to the parking lot, slid behind the wheel of his “classic” car, put the key in the ignition, turned it, and…..nothing.  The car didn’t even try to turn over.  It was dead.  He grabbed his cell phone from the pocket of his tan trench coat so he could call Gabriel only to find it dead as well.  He threw the cell phone against the dash and slammed his hands against the steering wheel.  “If this isn’t the cherry on top of the shit sundae that was my day,” he lamented to himself.

It was well past closing time when Dean was finally able to lock up the library.  Stodgy old Zachariah Adler, who Dean thought had to be the most ancient professor in the History department, had insisted on browsing every single newspaper the library had to offer…and he came in about a half hour before the library closed.  Since Professor Adler was tenured, and on the board, and pretty much had a say on almost anything and everything that happened at the University, Dean didn’t even dare try to ask him to leave when it was time for the library to close. 

By the time he made his way to the faculty parking lot, it was dark and the full moon was high in the sky.  He was expecting the parking lot to be empty, save for his Baby.  He was surprised to find what could only be described as a “Pimpmobile,” a gold 1978 Lincoln Continental Mark V.  And behind the steering wheel, someone with a disheveled head of dark hair was hitting his head against it.  He would have recognized that tousled hair anywhere.  It could only belong to one person.

Dean knocked on the driver’s side window, startling Cas out of his self-abuse.  When he rolled the window down, Dean peered inside.  “Cas, is everything OK?”

When Castiel looked up at him, Dean could tell he most definitely was NOT OK.  Cas’ eyes shone with unshed tears, making his eyes look even more like blue jewels shining in the lights of the parking lot.  “Dude, what happened?” Dean asked, concern coloring his voice and his features.

Castiel lost whatever little bit of self-control he had, and it all came pouring out in a jumble of words.  All about his horrific students, how his stupid car wouldn’t start, and how in his brilliance, he forgot to charge his cell phone.  While the unshed tears never made it out of his eyes, he may have sniffled once or twice, though neither he nor Dean would acknowledge that.

“Well, your knight in shining armor is here,” Dean said jovially once Castiel was finished telling his story.  “I happen to know a thing or two about cars.  My dad is a mechanic.”

“Can you really help me, Dean?” Cas asked.  His normally low and gravelly voice was thick with his unshed tears. 

Castiel sounded so scared and lost, and well, that just broke Dean’s heart.  “Yeah, man.  Get out and let me take a look.”  He opened the door and gestured out, indicating Castiel should move.

When Cas got out of the car, Dean slid in.  Trying to lighten the mood, Dean said, “Nice wheels, Cas.  Was your last job as a pimp?”

“I was a priest at my last job, Dean,” Castiel deadpanned.  He tilted his head and squinted his eyes in confusion.  He thought that information was in the introductory email the school had sent out.

Well, that was new information to Dean.  But he didn’t want to admit that he hadn’t actually read the email the school had sent out, so he responded with, “It was just a joke, Cas.”

“Oh.”

Dean turned the key in the ignition and tried a few of the knobs on the car before he turned back to Castiel.  “Well, it doesn’t seem to be anything serious.  Most likely a dead battery.  I’ll give you a jump, and you should be good to go.  Let me just go get my car.”  Dean’s car was the only other car in the parking lot, a sleek black 1967 Chevrolet Impala.  And it was parked all the way on the other side of the lot.  “You just wait here, and I’ll be right back.”

“Thank you, Dean.”

“No problem.”  Dean smiled brightly at the other man.

Several minutes later, Dean pulled his car up and around nose to nose with Castiel’s gold one.  He parked and popped the hoods on both cars and expertly connected the jumper cables.  After starting his car and letting it run for a minute or two, he then got back into the Lincoln and turned the key in the ignition.  And nothing happened.  He turned it again, giving the gas pedal a little tap this time.  Again, nothing.  He tried a third time.  Still nothing.  Dean smacked his hands hard against the already abused steering wheel.  “Son of a bitch!” he exclaimed.

“Dean, what’s wrong?” Castiel’s voice was full of worry.

“The battery is deader than I thought.  Won’t take a jump,” Dean explained.

“What-what am I going to do?”

Dean got out of the car and walked over to where Castiel was standing.  He put a hand reassuringly on the other man’s shoulder.  “Don’t worry, Cas.  I know what kind of battery your car takes, and it just so happens that the Walmart Auto Center carries it.  I suggest we go get a burger and beer, since we can both probably do with some dinner, and then I’ll take you to Walmart and have your battery changed in no time.”

Dean’s confident tone and cheerful demeanor seemed to relax Castiel.  “Sounds good,” he agreed.  He also realized he was STARVING.  He had skipped lunch due to both his frustration and his unexpected visit from his niece.

“Great!” Dean exclaimed.  He trotted over to his own car and held the passenger door open for Cas.  “Get in.  I know this joint that has the best burgers in town!”

Once they got to the Roadhouse, Dean snagged a booth in the very back corner.  The booth was in Ash’s section, if he was working, and Dean really didn’t feel like dealing with Ellen or Jo tonight.  And he really didn’t want to inflict his over protective friends on Castiel.  Dean groaned inwardly when the petite blonde form of Jo approached their table.

“Hi ya, Dean,” Jo said, way too chipper.  “The usual?”

“Yeah, Jo, thanks,” Dean replied.

“And for your…friend?”

Dean had never wanted to strangle Jo more. She was up to something, and Dean didn’t think he would like it. Instead of strangling Jo, he looked at his “friend.”  “Order whatever you want, Cas.  It’s on me.”

“Thank you, Dean,” Cas said with a smile.  He turned to the waitress and ordered.  “I’d like the portabella Swiss burger and a Thigh Slapper Ale, please.”

Dean momentarily forgot about Jo’s mortifying behavior when he heard Cas order.  Dean laughed good-naturedly.  “I never would have taken you for the hoity toity douche bag beer type, dude.”

Castiel didn’t immediately respond.  He merely tilted his head and squinted his eyes, like he was confused.  “I don’t understand that reference,” he finally said.  This caused Dean to laugh raucously as Jo left to put their orders in.

“I like what I like, Dean,” Castiel went on to explain as the other man continued to laugh.

“It’s totally fine, Cas,” Dean said once he managed to catch his breath.  And that was all he said, leaving the former priest to silently ponder his words.

When Jo came back with their beers, Dean decided to order them a couple of whiskeys.  He felt like they both could use it.  Castiel very quickly downed his shot and reached across the table and took Dean’s as well.  Luckily, Jo had barely gotten to the next table so Dean was able to order two more.  “Sorry,” Castiel said sheepishly.

Again, Dean laughed.  “It’s OK.  I know you’ve had a rough day.  But here’s the thing you need to understand about students, Cas, the first week of school is generally always Hell.  Don’t you remember what it was like just back to class after summer break?  You didn’t really want to be there and stuff?”

“Actually, I don’t, Dean.” Castiel replied.  “I never took summer break.”

“Didn’t they have summer break at Seminary?”

“They did.  I just never took it,” Castiel began.  “My mother is, as Claire so elegantly put it, ‘a bitch.’  So, I didn’t enjoy going home.  It pleased my mother, she just assumed I was ‘becoming one with the Lord.’”

“Your mother sounds like a piece of work,” Dean said.

“Yeah, that’s one way to put it.  When Anna and I were in high school, and she got pregnant with Claire, Mother basically disowned her.  Of course, after Anna married a big shot church deacon and I left the priesthood, Anna became Mother’s golden child.  Anna was not amused.”

“Why’d you decide to become a priest anyway?” Dean couldn’t stop himself from asking.

“It was my mother’s idea.  She said that I lacked ‘impulse control’ and thought Seminary would help me.”  Castiel didn’t elaborate.

Once the food arrived, Dean and Castiel talked easily about various things.  Dean told Cas all about his brother Sam, and how his mom encouraged his love of books.  And about how his dad was disappointed that Dean didn’t become a mechanic and instead went to college to become a librarian.  At one point, Castiel had to excuse himself, and as if she had been hovering like a vulture, Jo easily slid into the seat vacated by the other man.

“I thought you were going to try the whole ‘friends’ thing,” Jo stated without ceremony.

“I am,” Dean insisted.  “When one friend is having a bad day, doesn’t the other usually try to cheer him up? Wait…how did you know that’s the guy I was talking about?”

“Stupidly hot. Fry your brain and make you awkward hot.”  Jo raised her eyebrows as a grin spread across her face. She was clearly enjoying throwing Dean’s exact words back to him.  “And that dude is DEFINITELY stupidly hot.”

“Shut up, Jo,” Dean pouted.

Dean was spared any further comment from Jo when Castiel returned.  “I believe you’re in my seat,” he said simply.

“Oh, sorry,” Jo said, grinning as she stood up.

“Hey, Jo,” Dean started.

“Yes, Dean?” she asked sweetly.

“Bring more alcohol.”

“Fine.” With that, she sauntered off with a flip of her hair.

Once the guys had their fill of food and alcohol, they set off for Walmart, where Dean easily found the battery required for Castiel’s car, and then they were back at the school parking lot.  Dean was quite skilled as a mechanic, and in a matter of minutes had the battery changed.  Once he was finished, Dean leaned against the side of his own Impala, wiping his hands on a rag he kept for just such an emergency. 

He turned to toss the rag back into his car, and when he turned around, Castiel had crowded into his personal space.  “Whoa, dude.” Dean raised his hands, but even he didn’t know if he was trying to push the other man away or not.  He didn’t get a chance to figure it out.

Castiel moved completely into Dean’s space, effectively pinning him against the side of the Impala.  He braced his hands on either side of Dean’s frame.  “Thank you for this evening, Dean,” Castiel whispered gruffly into his ear before kissing him hard on the mouth.

The kiss seemed to catch Castiel by surprise as much as it did Dean.  He quickly pulled away, muttered an “I’m sorry” as he hurried back to his own car.  He didn’t even look back at the other man as he pulled quickly out of the parking lot.

“What the Hell was that?” Dean said aloud once he came back to his senses.


	4. I always feel like, somebody’s watching me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Me: So, Sam has this dinner party thing tonight, so I was wondering if you’d like to join me for dinner. I make a mean grilled chicken and mashed potatoes. It would go great with this pie. What do you say?
> 
> PimpPriest: My housemates are hosting a dinner party tonight, so I was just going to go out for dinner. Grilled chicken sounds great.
> 
> Me: Awesome. I’ll text you the address. See you around 7:30?
> 
> PimpPriest: OK.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As Andromytta said last time, both authors contributed equally to this chapter. If anyone knows how to fix this, that would be awesome.
> 
> Song referenced is "Somebody's Watching Me" by Rockwell.

As the second week of school started, Castiel was coming to learn that Dean was right about the students.  They had started to calm down and be less obnoxious as the days wore on.  And since Claire had started spending her lunch break every day with him, Castiel had decided to fill the mini fridge in his office with actual food the two of them could share.  Mostly, she would just gush about Kevin or talk about her Master’s thesis.  Occasionally, she ventured to bring up the subject of Dean, but Castiel would quickly change it to something, anything else.  Claire knew better than to pry.

Castiel had been avoiding Dean ever since the “incident” as he referred to it in his head, since he was loathe to tell anyone else about it.  He couldn’t help but berate himself and think that Naomi was right, he did lack impulse control.

Things weren’t much better for her at the library.  Claire could tell that Dean wanted to ask about Castiel, but he wouldn’t come right out and say it.  And she refused to answer the questions that weren’t asked.  He would ask about how her lunch was and if she did anything interesting.  Even though he knew she spent her lunches with her uncle, he would never come right out and ask how the other man was doing.  It was driving her nuts.

Finally, by Wednesday of the third week of school, there was a light at the end of the tunnel for Claire.  When she went to grab her lunch out of the mini fridge in Castiel’s office, she saw a beautiful apple pie in there.  One decorated with lovely candied green apple peels.  Inwardly, she cheered.  One of them was reaching out to the other.  At last.  Claire didn’t say anything about it, just smiled as she pulled her food out of the refrigerator.

Claire had waited their entire lunch hour for Castiel to mention Dean, or the pie, or ask her to take Dean the pie, but it wasn’t until she was about to excuse herself to go back to the library that he finally spoke up.

“Claire, can you do me a favor?” he asked hesitantly.

“Sure, Uncle Cassie, anything,” she replied cheerfully.

Castiel grabbed the pie from the fridge and scribbled something onto a post-it note that he stuck on top of the lid.  “Can you give this to Dean when you get back to the library?”

“Absolutely!” she said.  Then she read the attached note.  “’Thank you and I’m sorry.’  Dude, what exactly happened between you two?”

“Well, Claire, let’s just say that just because someone is attractive and kind to you is no reason to attack their mouth with your lips,” Castiel answered before dropping his head into his hands in embarrassment.

“Wait…you kissed Dean?  You kissed Dean?  This is HUGE!” Claire exclaimed with enthusiasm.

“No, no Claire.  It’s not huge.  It just proves that Mother is right.  I lack impulse control.  Now, don’t you have to get back to the library so your boyfriend can take his break before his blood sugar drops?”

“Fine,” Claire pouted and exited stage left.

***

Back at the library, Dean was showing Kevin and Regina how the card catalogue used to rule all before the invention of digitized files when his giant little brother came bounding in.  “Dean!  Dean!  Do you have an extra tie I can borrow?  I got salad dressing all over mine and I have that interview in half an hour to be a teaching assistant.”

“Hi, Sam,” Regina said flirtatiously, the tiny girl looking up at him and practically batting her eyes.

Dean was not amused to see the flirtation.  He thought he had screened his volunteers better this year after the incident with Becky Rosen last year.  She still blamed Dean for the fact that Sam would not go out with her.  No matter how many times he tried to explain to her that Sam was a big boy and could make his own decisions on who to date.  At least this year all of his grad students were actually studying library science this time.  For now, he chose to ignore the incident and instead answer Sam’s question before his brother became antsier than he already was.

“Yeah, Sam.  I got an extra tie in my desk drawer in my office.  And see, this is what you get for eating rabbit food all the time.  Come with me.” Dean led Sam towards his office.  He didn’t notice that one of his students was trailing behind until she spoke up.

“You have your interview with Professor Kapoor today, right Sam?” Regina asked.

This made Dean stop in his tracks.  “Kali Kapoor?  Your interview is with Kali?”

“Yes, Dean,” Sam responded, trying not to sound exasperated.  “We talked about this.  Anyone who gets chosen as her TA is practically guaranteed a junior associate position in her law firm upon graduation.  You KNOW Krushnic and Kapoor is one of the top firms in the city AND does the most to help other people.  The work they do is the reason I want to be a lawyer.”

Dean couldn’t exactly argue with Sam’s logic.  Despite his own personal issues with Kali, she did work tirelessly to help others both with her students in class as well as her clients at the law firm.  This would be the ideal job for his baby brother, so Dean had no choice but to be supportive.

“I’m SURE you’ll rock it, Sam!” Regina piped up.  “Professor Kapoor would be CRAZY not to hire you!”

“I just hope her issues with me don’t have an impact on you, Sammy,” Dean added.

“Well, she did reach out to me, Dean.  I don’t think she’s the type to let personal issues hinder professional ones.  I hope.” Sam said.

“She’s totally fair, Sam,” Regina said, trying to be helpful.  “Hey, afterwards we should go get coffee to celebrate.”

It took all of Dean’s willpower for him to NOT roll his eyes.  He was more than surprised when his brother answered the way he did.

“Sure Regina.  I’d really like that.” He smiled at her.  “What time are you done here?”

“Around six, when the library closes,” she said.  “Your big brother is a bit of a slave driver,” she added humorously.

“Awesome!” Sam said before waving his goodbyes and heading out after taking Dean’s extra tie.

Dean’s mood was trying to turn sour.  All of that changed when Claire returned from her lunch break and handed Dean a perfect looking apple pie.

“Uncle Cassie asked me to give this to you,” she said brightly as she handed over the sweet treat.

Dean finally saw the attached note.  “Thank you and I’m sorry.” He read aloud.  “What does that even mean?”

“You’ll have to ask him that,” Claire answered less than helpfully.  “Here.” She handed him another post it, this one bright pink in contrast to the dull yellow of the note on the pie.

“What’s this?” he asked her.

“Uncle Cassie’s cell number.  But don’t tell him I gave it to you.”

***

A couple of hours later, Sam came bounding back into the library like an overgrown puppy dog.  He looked for someone to share his good news with.  He didn’t immediately see his brother, but he did see Regina.  Sam lifted the petite grad student into his arms and spun her around gleefully.  “I got the job!” he exclaimed excitedly.

“That’s great, Sam!” Regina congratulated him.  “But can you put me down, please.  I might vomit.”

“Oh yeah, sorry,” he said sheepishly as he put her down gently.

“What is all the commotion about?” Dean asked as he came out of his office.

“I got the job, Dean!” Sam exclaimed again.

“That’s awesome Sam!  I’m really happy for you!  But this is a library, so you need to keep it down.” Dean tried to keep his own excitement in check.  He had to set an example for the young ones, after all.

“But there is some bad news,” Sam added, looking down (way down) at Regina.  “I’ll have to take a rain check on coffee tonight.  Kali and her husband are having a dinner party for the teacher assistants and former teacher assistants tonight.  At six.”

Dean was in a particularly charitable mood just then, due to the delivery he received from Claire, so he did something completely out of character for him.  “Why don’t you crazy kids go now?  Have fun.  Text me when you need me to take you over to Kali’s.  I’ll have Charlie or Garth close up here so you’re not late.”

“Thanks Dean!” Sam exclaimed again, way too loud for the library.  He engulfed his older brother in a giant hug before he and Regina took off for their coffee date.

***

Sam and Regina walked to the campus coffee shop.  Regina had an iced coconut mocha macchiato while Sam ordered a soy latte.  When they settled down at a table, Sam looked at her drink judgingly.  “Coconut milk, really?”

“I’m Asian.  We’re lactose intolerant.” Regina replied with a smirk.  “Besides, you’re one to talk, Mr. Soy Latte.”

“It’s healthier?” Sam answered.

The two grad students laughed comfortably, and talked easily.  Before long though, Regina had to ask the question that had been bothering her since Sam first showed up at the library that afternoon.  “What’s the deal with your brother and Professor Kapoor?”

Sam nearly choked on his soy latte. “Well, it’s kind of a long story…and I’m sure your boss doesn’t want you to know the sordid details of his personal life.”

“Aw, come on Sam,” she pouted. “I need something to focus on besides working there and trying not to catch Claire and Kevin making out.”

Unable to resist the pout of a cute girl, Sam told the story.  “Well, you may already know that my brother has a bit of a…um…reputation.  He likes to flirt.”

“Yes, I am aware.”

“So, he started flirting with Professor Kapoor…after she was already engaged.  She turned him down, of course.  And Dean, being Dean, kinda thought it was funny the way she turned him down.  So, in true Dean Winchester fashion, he continued to ask her out.  Anyone who knows Dean and gets his sense of humor would just roll with it…and probably get more and more insulting as they continued to turn him down.  Charlie sure did.  Now THAT was hilarious. Anyway, so get this, Kali did NOT find my brother funny at all.  She ended up turning him into Human Resources.  And now he’s on probation from engaging in flirtatious behavior with other members of university staff.”

“Aw.  That’s a shame!” Regina exclaimed.  “Claire is convinced her uncle has a crush on Dean…and that Dean has a crush on him too!”

“Who is Claire’s uncle?”

“The new religion professor.  Castiel Novak.  He’s pretty hot, too.” Regina said with a twinkle in her eye.

“Hotter than me?” Sam asked.

“Hmmm…I’ll have to think about that,” Regina teased.

Sam and Regina talked, joked, and flirted easily for a couple of hours until Sam realized it was almost time for his dinner party.  “Oh no.  I have to call Dean.  I have to head over to Kali’s place soon.”

“You don’t have to bother Dean, I can drive you,” Regina offered.

“Really?  That would be great.  Thanks.”

“Anytime.”

***

Dean was finishing up paperwork in his office while waiting for Sam to call him to take him to his party when his phone dinged with a text message.

_Bitch: You don’t have to worry about driving me to the party.  Regina is going to take me._

_Me: Awesome.  Have fun._

_Bitch: I’ll let you know if I need a ride home._

_Me: OK._

That was probably the best idea Dean had heard in a while.  Although he still wasn’t sure how he felt about one of his students dating his brother.  There was probably a rule against that, and somehow he would be the one to get in trouble for it, he was sure.  But the librarian decided not to worry about that right now.  Instead, he was going to use that number Claire had given him.

_Me: Thanks for the pie._

_PimpPriest: Dean?_

_Me: Oh yeah.  This is Dean. I’m not supposed to tell you that Claire gave me your number._

_PimpPriest: I’d kill her if she wasn’t my favorite niece._

_Me: Isn’t she your only niece?_

_PimpPriest: Another good reason not to kill her._

_Me: So, Sam has this dinner party thing tonight, so I was wondering if you’d like to join me for dinner.  I make a mean grilled chicken and mashed potatoes.  It would go great with this pie.  What do you say?_

_PimpPriest: My housemates are hosting a dinner party tonight, so I was just going to go out for dinner.  Grilled chicken sounds great._

_Me: Awesome.  I’ll text you the address.  See you around 7:30?_

_PimpPriest: OK._

Dean was grinning at nothing for a full minute after Cas agreed. It was awesome. That was, until the reality of what he’d just done – namely breaking his cardinal rule about dating faculty. They’d kissed. That’s when he felt a subtle panic rising. What had he been thinking? He’d been thinking that Cas gave him a second pie and that was coming close to the way to Dean’s heart. ~~And they’d kissed.~~

Before he could get too far gone into freak out city, Dean stopped himself short. Friends ate dinner together. He and Charlie got together for dinner and geeky movies all the time. So… this was a friend thing. Right? (Okay, that was a little hard to believe when he considered the kiss thing. He was going to do what Dean Winchester did best, which was not think about it.) This was good. They’d get to know each other. That would be good. He liked Cas as a person and had enjoyed the night they’d gone to The Roadhouse. Just talking had been good. They had many things in common between them (despite Cas’s apparent love of douche-y microbrewery beer).

Besides, Cas had kissed him. He was in the clear about the rule, right? Right.

Thus decided, Dean went to the kitchen to make certain he had all he needed to make the dinner he’d invited Cas to have. He had all the food. What he lacked was the type of beer Cas drank. Was it weird if he bought some for him or was it considerate? He was definitely overthinking this. What would he do if it were Charlie coming over? He would get her favorite beer. Thus decided, he headed out to pick up some microbrew.

The trip didn’t take Dean long, after that, he got to making dinner. He’d marinated chicken breasts for himself and Sam last night, so he was good on that score. He went about making the rest of it with his radio turned up. Puttering around the kitchen felt good, and he threw himself into the tasks. He barely recognized the passing of time until it was nearly 7:30 and dinner was just about done. He was setting the table (with his every day dishes, not the fancy ones that Sam insisted they have) when he heard the doorbell ring. His heart jumped into his throat and began to hammer. _Seriously, dude, chill._ He took a deep breath and went to the door.

Outside, Castiel was waiting with a salad tucked under his arm. In his own way, his was nervous too. There were butterflies in his stomach that wouldn’t quit fluttering. Some of it had to do with the dinner and Dean, some with the differences between actual Dean and the Dean he’d heard about, and the rest was the kiss. He shouldn’t have kissed Dean. He knew that. He’d told himself that several times since it had happened. But he’d done it and it had felt _good_. He could still remember the feeling of Dean’s lips (soft) against his own as well as what it felt like to be pressed against him (warm, so warm). He’d been able to taste whiskey on his lips and had wanted to chase it further into Dean’s mouth but hadn’t. He shook the thought off moments before he heard footsteps heading towards the door. It wasn’t like he was a priest anymore so he didn’t have to feel guilty. Still, he probably shouldn’t stand at Dean’s door with those thoughts.

The door opened and there was Dean, grinning at him. “Come on in, Cas.” He pushed the door wider to admit him. He looked completely at home in jeans, a green Henley, and socked feet. “I’ll take your coat.”

When Dean reached for said coat, Castiel pushed the bowl of salad into Dean’s hands instead. “I made salad.”

“You made dessert already.” Dean said, but he took the salad and took it into the dining room. Dean lived in a little duplex that wasn’t terribly far from the campus. Inside it was warm and tidy. Castiel slipped his coat off as he looked around, taking in the worn couch in the living room, which held a book splayed open with its pages down on the cushions. It was clear Dean had been reading it sometime before. Castiel found himself charmed by the home.

He heard, rather than saw Dean approach him again. “I hope you’re hungry.”

“I am.” Castiel nodded and looked up, his eyes catching on Dean’s. They were green with a gold ring on the outer edge of the iris. He could swear he’d never seen something so beautiful.

Dean shifted in front of him. “You okay, man?”

“Yes, Dean.” He’d been staring, hadn’t he? Castiel felt color rise in his cheeks and he turned abruptly to head for the table.

Instead of joining him at the table, Dean went to the refrigerator. “Beer?” Dean glanced over his shoulder to see Castiel’s answer.

“Yes, please.” He sat at the table and surveyed the setting before him. The grilled chicken looked and smelled delicious as did the mashed potatoes. There was a basket of what looked like freshly baked rolls. As he was surveying the food, a bottle of Thigh Slapper ale was set before him. His eyes jerked up. “My favorite… you didn’t have to…”

“It’s nothing, Cas.” Dean said as he scratched the back of his head, his cheeks pinking. It looked good on Dean.

“I appreciate it. Thank you.” It wouldn’t do to seem ungrateful. After all, there was a growing pit of warmth in Castiel’s stomach from the gesture. He hadn’t been expecting it.

For his part, Dean was still looking a little bashful when he sat down. Everything that Castiel had heard about the man told him that Dean Winchester wasn’t shy or awkward but his own experience was showing him an altogether different picture: Dean Winchester became awkward when receiving even the smallest compliment. It was not only charming, but also cute. Castiel realized that he was staring again and looked down at his plate.

Dean seemed to get his equilibrium back and picked up the serving plate of chicken, which he promptly passed to Castiel. “Let’s eat!”

Dinner was every bit as pleasant as the one at the Roadhouse had been. Somewhere around dessert, they’d gotten onto the topic of classic movies that Dean loved and thought everyone should see. Much to Dean’s horror, Castiel hadn’t seen any of them. This brought on a lot of laughter and good natured teasing until Dean finally insisted that Cas simply couldn’t leave without taking at least one with him to watch. Castiel had to think fast because if he came home carrying a random DVD to watch, it would raise questions. He didn’t want to answer questions, particularly Gabriel’s. Instead, he told Dean that he didn’t have his own TV or DVD player (both true since those were part of Gabriel and Kali’s home and were not his) but that he would be happy to watch one with him before he left. The happiness on Dean’s face might well have been worth the lie until Castiel realized he would have to sit on the couch to watch the movie with Dean.

Dean was whistling happily as he picked through his DVD collection before selecting the perfect movie while Castiel made himself comfortable in the corner of the couch. He really couldn’t believe his luck, dinner had been awesome and all he had expected. He glanced at Cas just to make sure it was really alright but it truly seemed to be. _Okay, Winchester, don’t fuck this up._ They were friends. Friends watching a friendly movie together as friends. Right.

“Star Wars, man… you have got to see this. You’ll love it.” Dean said, tossing a grin off to Cas before he clicked off the overhead light. “You want some popcorn?”

“Yes, please.” Cas answered.

Dean went to pop some in the microwave, got them each another beer and was back to the couch in five minutes. He passed off Cas’s microbrew as he flopped down onto the opposite end of the couch. Dean picked up his remote, switched on surround sound and started the movie. He had to chuckle when the starting notes of the overture where loud enough that they both jumped. “Sorry.” Not sorry, not at all.

Cas looked at him with some suspicion which Dean met with a toothy grin until the other man sighed and turned to face the movie.

For a little while, they watched mostly in silence with the popcorn bowl balanced on the couch cushion between them. It didn’t really take more than a half hour before Cas had a question and slid closer to ask it. Dean, of course, had to scoot closer to answer. They stayed like that, the popcorn bowl now pressing against one of Cas’s thighs and one of Dean’s. No one truly noticed until Dean reached in for a handful of popcorn and ended up with his fingers running along the back of Cas’s hands. Dean’s eyes jerked up as he withdrew his hand to see Cas do the same. In the dark, he couldn’t see if Cas was blushing but Dean could feel his own cheeks heat. He shouldn’t be thinking it, but his mind went immediately to the last time they’d been close, to when they’d kissed. Cas mumbled what might have been ‘Sorry’ and looked back to the screen. A hint of awkwardness crept between them. Dean took a handful of popcorn, then nudged the bowl back against Cas insistently. Cas glanced at Dean, Dean nodded to the bowl, and then Cas took some popcorn with a smile. The awkwardness passed and Dean relaxed into the corner of the couch.

The next time Cas made a comment, the guy scooped up the bowl and placed it on his lap so he could scoot close enough to Dean to be heard. The move might have surprised Dean a little if not for the kiss (which he was not thinking about) but he’d already figured out that Cas seemed to have no notion of personal space. What did surprise him was when Cas dropped back against the couch next to him and settled in. He could have taken it in many ways, but Dean just let it ride and finished the movie with Cas next to him. It was comfortable and familiar and if he was honest, he liked it more than he should have. It was almost too soon when the credits rolled and they were sliding off the couch.

“Thanks for humoring me.” Dean said as he clicked off the sound system and then the DVD player. “So, you coming back for The Empire Strikes Back?”

“Of course. I would like that, Dean.”

Dean hadn’t expected the affirmative but it thrilled him nonetheless. “Great! Just let me know when you are free and we can work out a time.”

“I will text you.”

There air between them grew charged as Dean handed Cas his coat and walked with him to the door. He knew it was the kiss. He wondered if Cas was thinking about it too. When he looked, Cas was dragging his tongue over his pink lips and there was something dark in those blue eyes, something that glimmered. He thought he recognized it and wondered if it was what he was thinking about. Would Cas taste of popcorn if he touched their lips together. Would it last more than a breath this time? Maybe two or three? He’d never thought so much about a simple act before now. His heart hammered in those few seconds before his fingers closed over the doorknob. The metal was solid under his hand. He turned, intending to twist the door open and see Cas out. That was all. Yet, when he turned his body, his chest brushed Cas’s shoulder and he was standing in the man’s space. Their eyes met and the air seemed to crackle with heat. Dean’s mind was a mess of frantic thoughts ‘ _Don’t kiss him, don’t kiss him, don’t kiss him’._ He should have known better. The moment he’d looked into those blue eyes, he was lost.

The first touch of their lips was slow as Dean drew Cas in to him, his fingers sliding across broad shoulders to rest at the nape of his neck. Their first kiss was something of a peck, a quick touch that they’d both come away from with shock. This one answered the longing that lingered between them to truly know what it would be like, not just the momentary flare of the touch but the liquid burn as their lips fit together truly for the first time. Dean’s fingers brushed Cas’s jaw. Cas slipped an arm around Dean’s waist and drew him even closer. There was heat, molten and sweet, at each point where their bodies touched. Someone sighed. Dean wasn’t sure who, but the faint parting of lips was too much temptation for him to resist. He licked into Castiel’s mouth and gave a pleased hum when he tasted the groan that had resulted. It was just as he thought – Cas tasted of popcorn but something more, something that was just _Cas_. He moaned himself as he chased that flavor when his world shifted suddenly.

The fingers on his waist tightened and with a smooth push, Dean found himself pressed into the wall next to his front door with Cas crowding into his space. Their lips burst apart with a pant. Dean could only gape at Cas, who stood before him with mussed hair and kiss swollen lips. For an inscrutable moment, he had no idea what Cas would do right up until he crashed their mouths back together again. This time it was Cas’s tongue that invaded his mouth – there was no other word for it. It was hot and needy, and Dean answered it in kind, pushing his body back against Cas. His senses swam nothing but heat and Cas until they simply had to stop for a moment just to breathe. Dean realized while he struggled to catch his breath that Cas had one leg pressed between his thighs and they were intimately tangled. He could feel a hard bulge pressing against his hip. He had no doubt that Cas could feel that he was in a similar state.

They stared at each other, green eyes to blue while they panted. Dean tugged against Cas’s shoulder and pulled him in again, pausing in their hairsbreadth before they touched again. “Cas…” He breathed before he breached that tiny space once more.

Light flooded over them from the parking lot and the spell was broken. Castiel took several steps back from him. Dean pushed from the wall, licking his lips as he watched Cas bend to pick up his trench coat from where it had fallen by their feet.

“I will… see you at the University.” Cas said, his voice soft but distant as he stepped around Dean to grab the doorknob and twist it open.

“Cas… wait.” A heavy weight dropped into Dean’s gut as he recoiled from the sudden shift between them. “I.. I never meant… I just…” He’d thought they’d both wanted it. Cas had, hadn’t he?

Something in Cas’s expression softened by a fraction as he reached out to straighten Dean’s glasses. “Goodnight, Dean.” With that, he was gone. The door shut with a quiet click. The house felt empty and cold around Dean and he pushed back to force himself away from the door and into the kitchen. He went on autopilot, cleaning up the remains of dinner and loading the dishes into the dishwasher while he replayed what happened over and over again in his head. Had he kissed Cas when he shouldn’t? Would another HR reprimand be waiting for him in the morning? With a groan, Dean decided to go upstairs and throw himself into bed. He paused just long enough to greet Sam as he came in the door.

***

Kali heard Gabriel return from taking Sam Winchester home after their dinner party.  She truly liked the young man, and was happy to have him as one of her Teaching Assistants for the semester.  She pondered how two brothers could grow to be so very different.  Her husband also seemed taken with Sam.  Despite being told not to, Sam insisted on helping Gabriel clean up the kitchen, so when it was time for him to leave, Gabriel offered to drive him home so he wouldn’t have to call anyone for a ride.

“Gabriel, come in here for a minute,” Kali called from her office when she heard the front door open and close.

“Yes, Dear,” Gabe said when he joined her and gave her an affectionate kiss on her cheek.

“I have something to show you, but you’re not going to like it,” she said.

After Kali showed Gabriel several pictures she had received in her email, his first reaction was incredulous.

“You have someone SPYING on Dean Winchester?”

“I have to, Gabriel.  There are so many new teachers this year, I need to protect them,” Kali explained emphatically.

“And who knew the new teacher that would need protecting would be my little Cassie,” Gabriel replied softly.

“Little?” Kali laughed.  “He’s at least 6 inches taller than you.”

“Yeah, but he’s like my little brother,” her husband pouted.  “Who did you get to take these pictures anyway?”

“Becky Rosen.”

“That girl who accused Dean of hitting on her while she was working in the library?” Gabe asked.

“Yes.  It was one thing when he was hitting on every faculty member remotely near his age bracket…but he crossed a line with a student.”

“I know he’s scum,” Gabriel began, “But I really don’t see him as the type to risk his career by being inappropriate with a student.”

“Ha!” Kali spat.

“This does explain what I saw when I dropped the younger Winchester off.  Cassie’s Pimpmobile was parked outside of their duplex, and I could have sworn I saw him leaving their place.”

“You might want to talk to him.”

“I will, as soon as I get a chance,” Gabriel agreed.

***

In the morning, Dean was relieved to find that there was no reprimand from HR. There was no word from Cas, either by text or email. What was there was another anonymous email with 3 pictures attached to it: one of Dean and Cas in the parking lot while jump starting Cas’s car, another in front of the Roadhouse, and a final one of their first kiss. There was no text in the email at all. Somehow that made it far more ominous than its predecessor had been.


	5. I reached inside myself and found nothing there to ease the pressure of my ever worrying mind.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s complicated, Claire.” He groused, tossing aside his half eaten sandwich so he could push both hands through his hair which effectively made it more wild than it had been before. It was clear this wasn’t the first time he’d performed that action today.  
> “Is this a religious guilt complicated or a Gabe and Kali complicated?” When he didn’t answer, she went on. “Or maybe it’s a Dean complicated. I don’t know though, Dean’s kind of a simple guy. He likes books and pie. I bet it’s all of the above.”  
> ***  
> “You’re over reacting, Dean. If he were going to go to HR, he would have. Plus, since he kissed you last time, you could do the same.” Charlie shifted in her seat in order to draw her knees up to her chin. She wrapped her arms around her legs. “I don’t think he wants that. If he didn’t push you away or tell you that things were out of line, then he likely didn’t think so. Have you considered that he may be just as conflicted about this as you are?”  
> Dean hadn’t. “Why would he be?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title Reference: "The Sun Always Shines on TV" by A-Ha
> 
> We hear your distaste towards Kali. Just please keep in mind, she has a reason for what she is doing! You guys did make us realize we should probably delve into her motivations further, so stay tuned for that! Meanwhile, please keep mind how you would feel in her position, continually getting unwanted advances.
> 
> We love your comments! They give us life and we enjoy hearing what you loved and didn't love so much! Thank you!
> 
> Anyway...enjoy our boys having "heart to hearts" with their favorite ladies. :-)

Cas was overtired and cranky. Last night had been both amazing and ill advised. Of course, Dean had kissed him this time but he hadn’t pushed him away. No, he’d followed his impulses and pushed Dean against the door and then… well, let’s say that sitting in the car on a darkened street to wait out his erection had been an experience.  Less of an experience than going into Gabriel and Kali’s house while trying to hide it would have been. It hadn’t stopped there either; once he’d gone up to his room he couldn’t sleep. He kept thinking about the kiss, the taste of Dean on his lips, and the feeling of their bodies pressed together. This, of course, made him painfully aroused. It probably hadn’t helped that he’d masturbated with those memories circulating in his mind and had come with Dean’s name on his lips. He’d woken up feeling guilty and uncertain.

That feeling had followed him throughout the rest of the day. He was lackluster in his morning classes and had only read half his emails. He kept checking his phone; partially to see if Dean had texted him and partially to consider texting Dean. Every time he opened the messaging system he couldn’t think of what to say. He didn’t know what he wanted to say and worse, he didn’t know if he should apologize, if Dean should apologize, or if he should just admit that he was painfully attracted to Dean. It wasn’t just that the librarian was attractive but also that he was kind and thoughtful, Castiel simply hadn’t been expecting that. He’d given up pretending to do anything other than brood by the time Claire came in for lunch.

“Woah.” Claire paused in the doorway to take him in before raising an eyebrow as she crossed the threshold. “What the hell happened to you?”

“Language.” Castiel murmured absentmindedly as he took his glasses off to close his eyes and rub his temples. He had a headache and wished he hadn’t emptied the bottle of scotch in his desk drawer. Claire unceremoniously dropped a Ziploc bag full of sandwich in front of him before dropping into the chair across from him. The she nudged the door closed with her foot. When he put his glasses back on, he could see that it was a peanut butter and grape jelly sandwich. “Thanks Claire.” He began to open the bag.

“So…” Claire began, leaving a long space for him to fill.

Castiel looked up at her and blinked, trying to figure out what she wanted him to say. In the end, he narrowed his eyes at her. “I’m supposed to be angry with you.”

“What did I do?” Claire asked with a notable eye roll.

“You gave my phone number to Dean.”

“Aha!” Claire said, her eyes glittering with excitement as she pointed at him, her finger nearly touching the tip of his nose. “I _knew_ it had something to do with Dean!”

Castiel fell silent, wondering if he would have fallen into that trap if he’d been less tired. Probably, since he wasn’t sure exactly how Claire had baited the trap in the first place. Instead he rubbed his forehead again and took a grouchy bite of his sandwich.

“Aww, come on Uncle Cassie. I didn’t give it to him for you to brood about it. You baked him another pie. You wanted to talk to him.”

“It’s complicated, Claire.” He groused, tossing aside his half eaten sandwich so he could push both hands through his hair which effectively made it more wild than it had been before. It was clear this wasn’t the first time he’d performed that action today.

“Is this a religious guilt complicated or a Gabe and Kali complicated?” When he didn’t answer, she went on. “Or maybe it’s a Dean complicated. I don’t know though, Dean’s kind of a simple guy. He likes books and pie. I bet it’s all of the above.”

Castiel just sighed and focused on eating his sandwich, trying to keep silent. He glanced up to find her staring back at him, her own sandwich forgotten on the edge of his desk. He frowned at her and she frowned back. Finally, his shoulders slumped. “I don’t know what the right thing to do is. Life as a priest was so easy.”

Claire reached out to pat the back of his hand. “Welcome to the real world.”

***

Dean had been restless since he’d gotten the email that morning. He’d been fidgeting at his desk, pacing the office and roaming the stacks. It was making everyone around him nervous. He’d come up on Kevin and Claire kissing in the stacks an hour ago and had frightened Kevin so badly that he’d had an asthma attack. (Dean felt bad about that one – he’d even run to the desk to get Kevin his inhaler.) Claire simply watched him with knowing eyes and a smirk that told him she had a good idea what this was all about. He was desperate to ask her what Cas had told her when she returned from her lunch break, but he hadn’t. It was unfair to drag her in between the two of them.

It was quite possibly one of the longest days that Dean had spent in the library. The hours dragged on and on with him alternating between checking his phone, checking his email, and pacing somewhere. He’d hoped that the end of the day would bring relief but it didn’t. When he thought of going home, he’d have to walk into the space where they’d had a good time without knowing if he’d fucked it all up. He swept the library to make sure that everyone else was gone, then went to the front doors and locked them. He clicked off all but the emergency lights and turned to go back into the office and collect his things when he ran directly into Charlie. An undignified and somewhat girly shriek (which he would deny) escaped his lips as he jumped back.

“Jesus H. Christ, Charlie! You can’t do that to a man!” Dean wheezed, clutching his chest as he staggered back with his glasses sliding down his nose.

Charlie looked at him, clearly unimpressed. “Spill.” Her arms crossed across her chest as she turned a gaze that likely was supposed to be baleful, but honestly was just cute because she was grinning at him.

“I have no idea what you are talking about.” Dean said as he pushed his glasses back into place and otherwise avoided her eyes.

Charlie gave an exaggerated eye roll just to be clear that he wasn’t fooling anyone. “Seriously, Winchester, don’t be a bitch. Just tell me what’s going on. You’ve been nervous as hell all day.”

Dean had the sudden urge to throw up his hands, pick Charlie up bodily and carry her to the car so he could go get a drink. It was logical; Charlie wasn’t going to go away until she got an answer and Dean wasn’t giving her an answer until he got a drink. “Fine.” He ran a hand through his hair then picked her up by her elbows and moved her out of the way so he could get back into the office.

Charlie was hot on his heels. “So…?”

“So, we are going back to my place for a drink and maybe dinner. If you want talk, I need booze.” Dean said firmly as he shut down his computer after a quick check for more emails.

“Fine. But I am picking the pizza toppings.”

How she always got the last say, Dean would never know.

An hour later they were ensconced in Dean’s cozy kitchen with two large pizzas (because Charlie had insisted on veggies for her toppings and the Dude would not abide) along with two bottles of beer, two shot glasses, and a bottle of Jack on hand. Dean scooped up a slice of his all meat pizza (bacon, pepperoni, and sausage) and took a large bite. He was stalling. Charlie clearly knew he was stalling but was humoring him anyway. They ate in silence until he finished the first beer and went to the fridge to get another one.

“Out with it.” Charlie said the minute that Dean sat down again.

He opened his mouth and found no words. His lips closed and he pressed them together before trying again. Still nothing. This was pathetic but let’s face it, Dean Winchester didn’t talk about his feelings. Well, except to Charlie. “I dunno Charlie. I might have fucked up last night but I don’t know. Maybe I didn’t. I don’t know how to ask.” It all came out in a rush and once finished, he took up a piece of pizza and crammed an extra-large bite into his mouth.

“So… I’m going out on a limb here and guessing this has something to do with the very hot Professor Novak.” Charlie waited just long enough to get his nod. “First of all, I didn’t know that you had anything planned last night or even that you guys were talking. After the last thing things got really awkward for a while.”

“Yeah, well, you know he made me another pie.” Charlie nodded. “Yesterday Claire gave me his number and I texted him. I asked him over to dinner on a whim, you know, in a friendly way.” He ignored the look she gave him and went on. “I figured we’d eat, share the pie, and what not. You know, he’s really a fun guy to talk to and Jo said that we should try being friendly. I was trying.”

“That explains the douche-y microbrew in the fridge.” Charlie says with a laugh. Clearly she knew Dean well. “What happened?”

“He brought salad.” He ignored Charlie’s snicker. “We talked. Dude hasn’t seen any of the good movies. It’s like he’s lived in a cave.”

“Or a monastery.”

“He’s not a former monk, Charlie.” She grinned winningly at him and swiped his beer.  Dean retaliated by pouring a shot of whiskey and downing it. “So, I insisted he watch Star Wars.”

“As you should have.” Charlie nodded her approval.

Dean tapped her on the end of her nose fondly. “Anyway, he said he didn’t have a TV of his own so we watched it here. The movie was great, we talked about it, he said he wanted to see more. When he left…” Dean licked his lips before going on. “When he left there was this moment at the door and then I… I kissed him.”

“So, it was you this time.” Charlie said and without prompting, reached over to pour Dean another shot since it seemed she was intent on keeping his beer.

“This wasn’t a short little peck, Charlie.” Dean downed the shot and refilled the glass. “This was… amazing. Brain-frying hot even. I needed alone time afterwards.”

“Ew. I get the picture.” Charlie winced. “So, how is this a fuck up? You’ve already kissed. Did he push you away or anything?”

“No, he … pushed us closer together.” If he let himself think about Cas’s leg between his or the hot press of dick against his thigh, he’d have to go for some more ‘alone time’. “Someone came into the parking lot and he pulled away and just… left.” Dean shot back the whiskey and went on. “He didn’t say anything. He still hasn’t. I shouldn’t have done it Charlie. What if this turns into another HR thing. I’ll lose my job this time.” He looked at her miserably. He wanted Cas, but his job was everything to him. He loved the library. It was as much a part of him as his bones were.

“You’re over reacting, Dean. If he were going to go to HR, he would have. Plus, since he kissed you last time, you could do the same.” Charlie shifted in her seat in order to draw her knees up to her chin. She wrapped her arms around her legs. “I don’t think he wants that. If he didn’t push you away or tell you that things were out of line, then he likely didn’t think so. Have you considered that he may be just as conflicted about this as you are?”

Dean hadn’t. “Why would he be?”

“Because a year ago he was a priest.” She reached out to flick his fingers away from the whiskey bottle. “He had a reason for leaving and he might not be completely ready to dive straight into a physical relationship.”

“Then why did he kiss me?” Frustration laced Dean’s voice. “I was trying to keep it friendly, you know? To keep myself out of trouble.”

“Well, clearly he wants you on some level. Maybe things just went a little too fast.”

“I’ll say.” He snatched up the bottle before Charlie could flick him away again. “What should I do?”

“Well, he has given you a couple of gifts as peace offerings, why don’t you give him one this time.”

“Charlie, you are a genius!” Dean said, putting down his empty shot glass and walking around the table to place a kiss on the top of her head.

“Send him something nice with a note that says you are thinking of him and that you are sorry if he’s uncomfortable.” She drew him down into a tight hug. “I know apologies are hard for you but if you want this, truly want it, you’ll have to meet him halfway Dean.”

“I think I can do that.” Dean agreed.

From there, they discussed the latest season of Game of Thrones and their next LARP meet before Charlie let herself out to head home. Dean once again set himself to cleaning his kitchen, largely because this kept him busy and let him think. Did he want this? He could see how a guy like Cas would want something real. Something permanent. Dean hadn’t really done permanent well. He’d tried before, with Cassie and then with Lisa, but things simply hadn’t worked out. There was something in him that started avoiding serious relationships after Lisa. He’d been exhausted and empty. With Cas, things felt different. Even at the beginning stages, he knew it was different even if he didn’t know how. Cas deserved things to be serious. He deserved someone to take care of him and to love him. Could he do that? Did he want to?

Dean didn’t know, or he said that he didn’t. The truth was, he did want it but he wasn’t sure if he’d know how and he didn’t want to hurt Cas if he couldn’t. Still, when morning came, Cas would find a new bottle of Glencraig on his desk sitting on top of a leather bound volume of Shakespeare’s sonnets and a card which read:

_Cas,_

_I hope we are cool. ~~I know things are~~_ _If you are uncomfortable, you gotta tell me. Your friendship means something to me and I am willing to go at whatever pace you want. Call me if you want to watch that sequel._

_Dean_


	6. I'll describe the way I feel, You're my new Achilles heel.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You are aware that it is legal now for two dudes to get married, right?”
> 
> “Just because it’s legal in the law of the land doesn’t mean it’s legal in the eyes of the Lord,” Castiel responded dejectedly.
> 
> “I’ll take Catholic Guilt for $500, Alex,” Claire said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you ready for a little angst? I hope so. (It's just a little though.. more to come.)
> 
> I am excited and nervous to hear what you all think about this chapter. We love your comments! 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!  
> ~Neal
> 
> Song referenced in the title is "Special K" by Placebo.

The next morning, Castiel didn’t feel much better than he had the day before.  He had been doing everything in his power to avoid Kali, and especially Gabriel because Gabe would without a doubt know that something was wrong.  And he DEFINITELY wasn’t ready to have that conversation.  At all.

There was one piece of advice Naomi had actually given to Castiel that he did file away and use from time to time when he needed it.  “No matter how you are feeling on the inside, Castiel, always put your best face forward.  Look good, and you’ll feel good.” 

So, he decided this would be a good day to dress up.  He started by shaving his perpetual five o’clock shadow.  Then, he slipped into his best pair of slacks, the ones that happened to hug his rear perfectly.  He paired that with a crisp white dress shirt, a dark waist coat, red bow tie, and tan suit jacket.  He took in his reflection in the mirror.  “I look pretty hot, if I do say so myself,” he smiled at the handsome man staring back at him.

When Castiel made it to his office, his mood had only very marginally brightened, until he saw something sitting on his desk.  When he examined it more closely, his mood brightened exponentially.  He lovingly cradled the bottle of Glencraig before laying it in his bottom drawer carefully.  There was only one person who would leave that for him.  Dean was the only person he had told about the very expensive bottle of scotch his predecessor had left in the office and how much Castiel enjoyed it.  There was more though.  Castiel picked up the leather bound book to discover it was Shakespeare’s sonnets.  His jaw dropped.  In his opinion, that was one of the most romantic gifts someone could give, especially coming from a book lover like Dean.  Castiel affectionately stroked the leather and gave the book a place of honor in the top center of his bookshelf.  Finally, he read the card.  The message in the card was so sweet, and awkward, like Dean was afraid he had scared Cas off.  And in Castiel’s opinion, that was sweetest part of the whole gift, how much Dean was concerned about his comfort.  In that moment, he felt that a text or even a call was not going to be an appropriate response.

Castiel made a bee line to his classroom, knowing his star pupil would be there at least 5 minutes early.  He was right, when he walked in Alfie looked up from the book he was studying and said, “Whoa, looking sharp Professor N.”

“Thank you, Alfie.  Listen, I have something I have to take care of.  When the rest of the class gets here, please ask them to start reading…whatever chapter we’re on…I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

“Sure thing, Professor.”

***

When Castiel enters the library, he finds Garth and Claire at the front desk.  “Dean is in the rare book room,” Claire tells him before he can even open his mouth to ask.

Charlie and Kevin stick their heads out from the office, “I guess my idea worked,” Charlie said cheerfully.

“Where is the rare book room?” Was all Castiel could think of to say.

“Come on, Uncle Cassie.  I’ll show you.” Claire came from behind the desk and grabbed him by the wrist and led the way.  Once they got to that part of the library, Claire pointed.  “It’s down at the end of the hall.  He’s in there with Regina, working on some project.  So please don’t do anything to embarrass yourself in front of my best friend, OK?”  With that, she scampered off back to the front desk.

Taking a deep breath to steady himself, Castiel walked to the end of the hall and knocked on the door.

Dean opened the door and started, “I told you guys not to interru…..Oh, hey Cas.”

“Hello, Dean.”

Dean looked over his should and said, “Keep working.  I’ll be right back.”  He closed the door behind him and ushered Cas back out into the hall.  He looked Castiel over from head to toe.  _Damn, does he look extra hot today, or is it just me?_   Suddenly, all he could think about was untying that bow tie with his teeth.  Instead, he said with a (nervous) chuckle, “A bow tie?  Really?  Are you TRYING to reinforce the dorky professor stereotype?” 

Castiel squinted his eyes, tilted his head, and frowned at the librarian.  “I like what I like, Dean.  And I happen to think this outfit is becoming on me.”

 _Becoming?  Who says that anymore?_ Dean thought to himself.  What he refused to think to himself was how it affected him when Cas spoke so formally.  In an effort to avoid any of those kinds of thoughts, he instead asked, “Is there a reason you’re skipping your first class of the day?”

Castiel became shy all of a sudden.  He looked down at the ground and started shuffling his feet.  “I, um, I just wanted to thank you for the gifts you left on my desk.  They were truly very thoughtful.”  He overcame his shyness very suddenly with the next words out of his mouth.  “How did you get into my office anyway?  I lock it every evening.”  Castiel didn’t know why that never occurred to him before.

Dean laughed.  Castiel thought it was one of the nicest sounds he’s ever heard.  “I, well, I kind of picked the lock,” Dean answered.

“You know how to do that?” Castiel didn’t know if he was shocked…or kind of turned on.

“Yeah, I wasn’t the greatest high school student.”

Cas raised his eyebrow at Dean.  And Dean would never admit how that one quirk of an eyebrow turned his stomach to Jello.  “You were a bad boy, weren’t you, Dean?” Cas asked, his gravelly voice had taken on a dark tone.

Before Dean knew what was happening, Castiel had grabbed him by the lapels and pressed him against the wall.  He basically attacked Dean’s mouth with his hungry kiss.  He pressed his body flush against Dean’s.  Good lord, it was every bit as warm as Dean remembered it from two nights ago. He could feel every plain and angle. Without thought he settled both of his hands on Cas’s hips, his thumbs pressing in against hipbone while his fingers curled into Cas’s belt loops and pulled his body closer. He opened his mouth into the kiss and was rewarded as Castiel’s tongue pressed in. Dean didn’t bother to hide the moan that rumbled in the base of his throat. All awareness of where they were fled.

As soon as Dean pulled him closer, Castiel felt his hands become restless and start to roam over Dean’s back and when he plunged his tongue into Dean’s mouth a frisson of heat flashed through his body to curl in the pit of his stomach. He gasped and found his mouth was now invaded. Their tongues collided as the heat ratcheted up between them. All ability for higher thinking had fled south. He knew that kissing Dean in the narrow hallway in the back of the library wasn’t his best laid plan but couldn’t find it in himself to truly care. Instead he tugged Dean’s shirt out of the back of his pants and he pushed his hands inside to run over heated flesh.

The moment Cas’s hands touched his body, Dean broke the kiss only for his lips to come down on Cas’s jaw. The scratch of stubble against his lips was exquisite.  His lips slipped lower, skimming the side of Cas’s neck until he had wrung a low, grumbling moan from Cas. Dean shifted and let go of the belt loop so he could slide his hands over the curve of Cas’s rear. He’d been eyeing it for some time now and now that he had the chance, he couldn’t resist getting his hands on it. The moment he did, Cas arched his hips against Dean, pressing a hard bulge against his hip. The friction was magnificent. Dean rutted his hips back, craving more of that friction, and found himself pressing not into Cas’s body but his hand.

Castiel had just discovered that the touch of lips against his neck drove him wild in a way he’d never experienced before. His entire body felt raw and pulsed with an energy that was nearly electric in quality. He felt restless and needed more. Frustrated that he couldn’t put a name on what it was he needed, he pulled Dean’s shirt the rest of the way out as he bucked his hips against the librarian’s body. The sound of Dean’s responding moan was like music to his ears and acting on instinct alone, he tugged open the button on Dean’s pants. His hand plunged into the front to cup the hard shape of Dean’s cock just as Dean arched his hips into him. Teeth scraped his neck, sending another curl of heat through his body. His fingers ran over the hot line of Dean’s dick, senseless to the fact that Dean was untying his bow tie with his teeth. He only knew that his skin was on fire with hot kisses and licks.

Right up until the presence of another person hit them both like a dousing of cold water.

Regina chose that moment to walk out of the rare book room with an urgent question for Dean.  “Oh my God!  My eyes!” She exclaimed while running past the two men.  She kept muttering “Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God!” as she made her way to the front desk.

Apparently, her normally caramel toned skin had lost all its color.  As soon as Claire saw her, she asked with concern, “What happened?  Are you OK?”

“I am most certainly NOT Ok.  I did NOT need to see your uncle going for the gay porno Olympics with my boyfriend’s brother!”

Kevin poked his head out of the office.  “Is that really a thing?”

“My idea DID work!” Charlie said gleefully as she also poked her head out.

***

As Castiel’s day wore on with his morning classes, he started to feel guiltier and guiltier about what had happened with Dean in the library.  When he was with Dean, everything felt so right and good, and, quite frankly, perfect.  But as soon as they were apart, his guilt started to gnaw away at him.  By the time Claire joined him for lunch, he had become one raw nerve.

They ate in silence for most of the hour before Claire couldn’t take it anymore, and had to break the silence somehow.  “Don’t you think it’s strange that your friend Gabriel took his wife’s last name when they got married?” Claire asked.

“You’d think a modern young lady like you would think it’s empowering,” Castiel responded.  “Actually, I think it was Gabe’s way of cutting ties with his family once and for all.  Let’s just say his mother and Naomi would probably be the best of frenemies if they ever met.”

“Ah, I see.  Does this mean you’ll take your spouse’s last name when you get married, Uncle Cassie?”

Castiel sighs heavily when he answers.  “That won’t happen, Claire.  I’ll never get married.”

“You are aware that it is legal now for two dudes to get married, right?”

“Just because it’s legal in the law of the land doesn’t mean it’s legal in the eyes of the Lord,” Castiel responded dejectedly.

“I’ll take Catholic Guilt for $500, Alex,” Claire said.

“Just because I’m not a priest anymore doesn’t mean that my faith isn’t still important to me.  And that means that Holy Matrimony is out of the question,” Castiel explained.

Claire rolled her eyes so hard that they could have gotten stuck that way.  “Oh please.  Even the Pope approves of marriage equality.  Get with the times, Unc.”

“It’s complicated, Claire.”

“Fine,” Claire said, then added, “But Castiel Winchester does have a nice ring to it!” as she ducked out of the office door.

After Claire left and Castiel was left alone with his thoughts, he couldn’t control it as his remorse started to eat him alive.  There was only one thing he could think of to do to help him get a handle on it.  He knew he would have to go to confession, as soon as he could.  That meant cancelling the date he and Dean had set up for that evening.  Their first “real” date, but Castiel knew he couldn’t do it.  He needed absolution before he could function normally again.  With a sigh, he picked up his phone to text Dean.

_Me:  I’m afraid I’m going to have to take a rain check on tonight.  I’m so sorry._

_Dean: Is everything OK?_

_Me: I have to go to church tonight. I have to go to confession._

_Dean: Tonight? Really?_

_Me: Yes, Dean, tonight.  I’m sorry, but it really can’t wait._

***

A frustrated Dean threw his phone across his office, hitting Charlie’s Black Widow pop figure and knocking it over.  Of course, that was the moment Charlie chose to walk in.

“Dude, what did Scar Jo do to you?” Charlie asked as she cradled the figure in her hands before tossing Dean’s phone back to him.

“Sorry, Charlie,” Dean said despondently.

“Apologize to her, too,” Charlie insisted as she held the figure in his general direction.

“Sorry, Scar Jo,” he said just as dejectedly.

“Seriously, dude, what happened?”

“Cas cancelled our date.”

“After that scene that apparently scarred Regina for life?” Charlie asked in shock.

“Yeah.  Said something about needing to go to confession.” Dean explained.

“Must be that whole Catholic thing,” Charlie said thoughtfully.

“What is that about, anyway?” Dean asked, trying not to be angry.

“Like I would know?”

“Shit.” Was all Dean could think of to say.

***

At the end of the day, before his students could leave, Dean pulled Claire aside and asked her to stay for a few minutes.

“Soul Train leaves in 5,” Regina called to Claire as she and Kevin were walking out the door.  “And Kevin rides shot gun.  I’ve already been traumatized enough for one day.  I don’t need you two making out in the back seat…again!”

“Soul Train?” Dean asked.

“Regina drives a Kia Soul. And she thinks she’s clever.  Which she’s not.” Claire totally didn’t almost giggle.  “But I highly doubt that’s why you’re about to make me miss my ride.”

“Right, sorry.” Dean looked down, blushed, and rubbed the back of his neck.  “I uh-I um was wondering…what’s the deal with Catholic guilt and going to confession?” he blurted out before he could change his mind.

“Hell if I know,” Claire started.  “My mom became Episcopalian after Naomi practically threw her out, and I haven’t been to any church since I was in pigtails.  Mom doesn’t force religion on me.  You should ask Regina.  She’s Catholic.”

“She is?” No wonder she was so bothered by the scene in hall.

“Uh, yeah.  Did you know that 7.9% of South Korea is Catholic?” Claire explained, taking a rare moment to show off just how smart she really was.


	7. We put our minds to it all, but disappointment crashed the ball

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel did what he always did when he was hurt or confused, or in this case, both. He got angry. “Well, Gabriel, you don’t have to worry about your poor, defenseless Castiel anymore! I’ve actually decided that I’m not going to see Dean Winchester anymore anyway!” With that, he stomped up the stairs.
> 
> Castiel thought maybe a shower would help cool him off. Once he was under the hot water, he found that he couldn’t relax despite how good it felt on his shoulders. His head was simply too full of conflicting ideas. Which Dean was the real one? The man Gabriel and Kali painted was a far cry for the man who had bought him dinner and helped him fix his car. On the other hand, Dean’s reputation of one night stands was well known. It wasn’t something that Dean seemed to hide. He didn’t know who to trust. He groaned as he laid his head against the wet tiles of the shower stall. When he thought of Dean now, he thought of his lips and of heated kisses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title Inspiration: “Staring at the Stars” by Passenger
> 
> Sorry this is a little later than I usually post! Had to work on what is usually my day off, then vote! If you live in Georgia's 6th district, don't forget to #Flipthe6th!
> 
> OK, enough of that! Please don't hate us. Remember, our tags do say ALL THE ANGST! So hang on, and remember, we love you!

Dean was having the worst day he’d had in a while. It had started well enough, what with the thing with Cas and the library that morning. It had been fucking awesome despite the embarrassment of being teased by everyone for breaking his rule against romantic interludes in the building. They’d planned a date and he’d been high on excitement. And then had canceled the date, leaving Dean confused. Did he or didn’t he want Dean? The amount of disappointment he felt was surprising given that they were only to their first real date. He hadn’t gotten close and it had happened fast. He should be glad of a night to himself to think, right?

Hell no. The only thing that could make things worse would have been to receive another email. Speaking of which…. He owed Ellen a conversation. As soon as he was done for the night in the library, he got into the Impala and headed to the Roadhouse. He didn’t notice that there was someone following him. He was too absorbed in his own problems for that. He walked into the warm familiarity of the Roadhouse’s dining room and went straight to the bar where Ellen was standing. It was a little late in the evening and the dining room was mostly empty. Jo was across the room taking an order from a couple sitting at Dean’s favorite booth. He was glad Jo was distracted. It was Ellen he wanted to see now.

“Dean.” Ellen greeted him with a warm smile that faded slightly as she took in his expression.

“Got something that you want to tell me?” She asked as she bent down and fished out a couple of bottles of beer from the cooler behind the bar.

“Yes, ma’am.” Dean replied. He reached out for one of the bottles, but Ellen shook her head and led the way to the back.

“Joanna Beth? Watch the bar.” She called as she disappeared through the door.

“Yes, Mom!” Jo called without looking.

Dean followed Ellen through the kitchen and back into the office.

“You looked like a kicked puppy.” Ellen said as she handed him the beer.

Dean grunted as he twisted the cap off and took a long sip. “Just… having a bad day.”

“You get another of those emails?”

“Yesterday.” He glanced up to see her frowning at him but he just shrugged. Talking about this at least eclipsed the confusion of the day.

“Any clue where they are coming from?” Ellen set her bottle down on the desk and crossed her arms, clearly thoughtful.

“No.” Dean took another swig from his beer. “This one didn’t have any words, just pictures.”

“Of you with your…dates?”

“No, pictures of me with Cas.” Dean frowned, because just speaking the name made him think of the day. The memories of the impromptu make out session dimmed by the later rejection.

“That the new professor?” Ellen seemed abreast of all the gossip, but then, he’d brought Cas to the Roadhouse. “The one you brought here?”

“Yeah.” Dean said as he shook the beer bottle, which already was empty. “That night was a friendly thing. I helped him fix his car. He was having a bad day so I bought him a burger.”

“And nothing else happened?” Ellen was nothing if not shrewd.

“He kissed me when I dropped him off.” He went on hurriedly. “It was no big deal and he started it, Ellen. I know better than to start something with another University person.” He did know it, it just seemed that he couldn’t resist Cas.

“Dean, you aren’t on trial here.” Ellen’s expression had softened as she stroked the top of his head. “I just need to know so we can figure out who’s behind this.”

“I know.” After another long moment, she pressed another bottle of beer in his hands.

“You sit here. I’ll make you a burger.” She scooted her chair back from the desk and headed towards the kitchen. “Once you eat, I want you to go home, take a nice, long shower and go to bed early. It’ll seem better in the morning.”

“Are you going to tell Bobby?” He looked up at her, pleading with his eyes. He didn’t want to bring too many people into this.

“You know I am.” Ellen shook her head as she opened the refrigerator. “But we won’t tell your parents, okay?”

“Thanks Ellen.” Dean flopped back into his chair and nursed his beer. He felt a little better for having talked to Ellen. Maybe things would work out. He’d just have to wait and see.

Charlie had been worried about Dean ever since she found out about his canceled date.  Even though Dean would barely admit it to himself, let alone to her, she knew he was starting to develop more than “friend” feelings for Castiel.  That’s why she didn’t give him more grief for knocking her pop figurine onto the floor.  Her biggest concern at the moment was Dean drinking himself into a stupor at some dive bar and/or hooking up with some one night stand, which would kill whatever budding relationship he may be developing with the professor, and send Dean spiraling down a horrible self-destructive path.  So Charlie decided to drive around town hitting up all of Dean’s favorite watering holes until she found his Baby sitting in the parking lot of the Roadhouse.  “Well, at least he probably won’t be hooking up with anyone here.”  She knew Dean well enough to know the Roadhouse was more his security blanket than his hook up place.

Charlie walked in and looked around.  Dean had only brought her here a couple of times, so she wasn’t very familiar with the place.  She did look towards Dean’s regular booth.  Unfortunately, it was occupied by a couple who was very much NOT Dean.  Charlie figured he had to be there somewhere, since the Impala was in the parking lot, so she settled down at the bar to wait.  She was quite glad she did as she watched the backside of what she assumed was a very cute bar mistress as she bent over to load the beer cooler.  When the blonde stood back up, Charlie was pleased to see that her front was just as pleasant as her back.

When Jo stood up, she noticed the new customer at the bar.  She practically sashayed over to where Charlie was perched on the bar stool.  “What can I get you?”

“Whatever beer you have that’s cold.  And your phone number,” Charlie said with a wink. _Shit.  Get it together, Bradbury.  You’re here for Dean not for hot bartenders._   “Oh, and do you happen to know Dean Winchester?”

“Yeah.  He’s in the back with my mom,” Jo answered, leaning on the bar in such a way that Charlie was beginning to be able to see a little of what was under the bartender’s shirt.

Recognition sparked in Charlie’s mind.  “Is your mom Ellen Harvelle?”

“Ye-ah,” Jo responded hesitantly.

“So that must make you Jo!  Hi!  I’m Charlie Bradbury.  I work with Dean.”

“Oh!  You’re Dean’s assistant!” Jo said brightly once she realized who she was speaking with.

“Well, yeah, I guess ‘technically’ I’m his assistant…but we both know who’s REALLY in charge!” Charlie laughed at her joke, and was pleased to see Jo laugh with her.

Dean chose that moment to emerge from Ellen’s office, looking at least somewhat better than he had when Charlie saw him last.  “Charlie, what are you doing here?”

Since Charlie figured Dean had already had a heart to heart with the woman he referred to as his “surrogate mother,” she decided she didn’t need to be as much of the concerned friend she was when she tracked him down, so instead she answered, “You left a scratch on Black Widow with your little phone incident, so I came to collect repercussions.  But I’ll let it slide this time, since I’ve had the pleasure of chatting with your lovely friend here.  Who you’ve been hiding from me, by the way…”

“That’s because I didn’t want to see the two sisters I never knew I wanted look at each other like…that,” Dean waved a hand between the girls.  He actually had no idea Jo was into girls, otherwise he might have introduced them sooner.

“Oh please, like we haven’t seen way worse from you!” Jo piped up.

“Touché,” Dean conceded.  “I’m going home.  Ellen suggested I get to bed early, and frankly, that sounds like the best idea I’ve heard in a while, so I’ll see you later.”  His eyes silently pleaded with Charlie to not say anything to Jo about the library incident.  He was fairly sure she got the message.

As he turned to leave, Jo called after him.  “Hey, by the way, tell that over grown brother of yours to come by sometime.  He needs to introduce us to his new girlfriend.”

“How do you know about that?” Dean asked.

Jo held her phone up to him.  “He just updated his Facebook.”

“Facebook official means it’s official!” Charlie agreed, grabbing Jo’s phone from her.  “Oh, how sweet!”  She showed the phone to Dean.  What he was looking at was his brother’s Facebook page, his profile picture had been updated to a selfie where Regina was kissing him on the cheek and his status had indeed been changed to “In a Relationship.”  If Dean wasn’t actually happy for his brother, he might have vomited.

Charlie handed Jo’s phone back to her a few minutes later.  “By the way, my number is in there.  Under the ‘Queen of Moons.’  Be sure you use it sometime.”  She threw a wink in Jo’s direction before offering to walk Dean out to his car.

***

When Castiel returned home from confession, he didn’t feel any better than he had before.  Despite the fact that the church he had been attending supported the Pope’s stance on marriage equality, it didn’t change the fact that premarital sex was still a sin.  It also didn’t change the fact that Castiel was still old school and held to the belief that marriage was between a man and a woman, so was out of the question for him.  It all led Castiel to just one conclusion:  He had to stop seeing Dean Winchester.  For good.  He just couldn’t trust his impulses when he was within 20 feet of the man.

When Castiel walked into the house, he was greeted with the last thing he wanted to hear at the moment.  “Castiel, we need to talk.”  Gabriel was sitting on the living room sofa, an uncharacteristically serious look on his face.

“I’m not in the mood, Gabriel,” Castiel tried to walk away, but not before he heard the next words out of his friend’s mouth.

“I saw you leaving Dean Winchester’s place the other day.”

Castiel stopped in his tracks and turned around to look at the man.

“Ah, I figured that would get your attention.  Sit down.”  Gabriel patted the cushion next to him.  He didn’t even give Castiel a chance to speak.  “Look, Dean is bad news.  I’m sure you probably think otherwise, because he comes across as a charming, nice guy.  He’s the one you made the pies for, right?  The one who was kind to you?”

“Yes.  But Gabriel, listen…”

“No, Cassie, you listen to me.  That’s what he does.  He makes you think he’s just the type of guy you want and once he’s had his way with you, that’s it.  He is all about the instant gratification of one night stands.  There’s a list a mile long of people you can ask.”

Despite the decision he just made regarding Dean, Castiel couldn’t resist the impulse to defend the man to his friend.  “That might be one side of him, Gabe, but that’s not all there is to him.  He is actually really kind, and caring.  Claire has nothing but wonderful things to say about him as a boss and mentor.”

“Claire should really watch herself around him.  So should the other students.  Last year, after Kali shot him down, Dean turned his attention to one of his grad students.  She didn’t want the attention of a trial, but she came to Kali for advice and support.”

“That-that doesn’t sound like Dean at all.  He would never break a student’s trust like that.” Castiel felt a little piece of his heart shatter.

“I’m just giving you the information I have, Castiel, that’s all.  I’m just looking out for you,” Gabriel said soothingly.

Castiel did what he always did when he was hurt or confused, or in this case, both.  He got angry.  “Well, Gabriel, you don’t have to worry about your poor, defenseless Castiel anymore!  I’ve actually decided that I’m not going to see Dean Winchester anymore anyway!”  With that, he stomped up the stairs.

Castiel thought maybe a shower would help cool him off. Once he was under the hot water, he found that he couldn’t relax despite how good it felt on his shoulders. His head was simply too full of conflicting ideas. Which Dean was the real one? The man Gabriel and Kali painted was a far cry for the man who had bought him dinner and helped him fix his car. On the other hand, Dean’s reputation of one night stands was well known. It wasn’t something that Dean seemed to hide. He didn’t know who to trust. He groaned as he laid his head against the wet tiles of the shower stall. When he thought of Dean now, he thought of his lips and of heated kisses. He intimately remembered pressing his hand against the librarian’s hard cock earlier in the day. The fact that these thoughts made him hard only served to piss him off further.

When he wrapped his hand around his dick, he knew he shouldn’t be masturbating to thoughts of Dean and he didn’t fucking care. Instead he started stroking himself with a vigor that he didn’t normally have, his fingers tight around hardened flesh and his movements were slickened by the hot water. Friction created a nice burn that only seemed to further both his want and his anger. _Dammit_. He couldn’t get Dean out of his head; instead he remembered the scrape of teeth against his neck and the way the man had rutted back against him. His imagination took it further and projected what it would be like to be shed their clothing completely. The thought of his naked cock pressed to Dean’s was more than he could take. He came with a wracking shudder and a groan that might have been Dean’s name.

He stood in the shower, catching his breath with the water flooding over his head. He hated himself for the lack of self-control that always pushed him to this place and made him yearn for something that was surely a sin. He couldn’t trust himself. That was clear. He knew Gabriel had his best intentions at heart and had always been there for him. He didn’t know if he could trust Dean.

When Castiel got out of his shower (which didn’t make him feel better.  At all.), he saw the text alert on his phone.  Of course, it was from Dean.

_Dean: Feeling any better after confession?_

Castiel scowled at his phone before responding.

_Me: No, not really._

_Dean: Can I do anything to help?_

_Me: Yes, Dean.  You can leave me alone._

Castiel’s anger, which had barely subsided in the shower, was starting to boil up again.  Of course, his anger was with himself.  Instead, he was taking it out on the nearest person again.  This time, it was Dean.

_Dean:  What?_

_Me:  Look, I’m not interested in being another one of your conquests.  So leave me alone._

_Dean:  Need I remind you who had whose hand in whose pants????_

_Me: That was a mistake.  One I don’t intend to make again._

_Dean: What the actual fuck, Cas?  What gives? I’ve been trying to go at your pace here._

_Me: I can’t deal with this right now.  Goodbye, Dean._

_Me: And just because I turned you down, don’t take your sexual frustrations out on your students._

_Dean: What are you talking about?_

_Me: Gabriel said that once you were done chasing Kali, you started harassing one of your students.  I’m telling you not to do it again._

_Gabriel?_ Dean thought to himself as he stared at his phone in disbelief.  Well, that at least partially explained what was going on with Cas.  But what the hell was this about him hitting on a student?  Dean decided this was not a conversation to have via text message, so he hit the call button on his phone.

“What?” Came the aggravated answer from the other end.

“I don’t know what Gabriel and Kali have been filling your head with, Cas, but I have NEVER hit on a student.  I may have had my fair share of affairs, but NEVER with students.  I’m just not that guy.  And for the record, I never saw you as ‘just another conquest.’”  Dean hit the end call button angrily and threw his phone against the wall, shattering the screen.  “Oh for fuck’s sake!” He exclaimed before dropping back into bed.

There was so much wrong with what he’d found out in the last few minutes that he didn’t even know where to begin. First of all, it didn’t surprise him whatsoever that Kali had been working against him all along. He’d never had a chance to give his side of that whole debacle. Yes, some of it was his fault but no one wanted to listen to him, as usual. Dean Winchester, guilty in the court of public opinion. But the crap about chasing his students? He had no clue where the fuck that had even come from. That thought alone made his stomach twist with sick fear. Who was spreading that shit around? He knew his luck, that was going to come back to haunt him.

He should be angry at Cas too. He’d been fed a whole mess of bullshit and had chosen to believe it. He hadn’t given Dean the benefit of the doubt or approached him to hear his side; he’d just made a decision on hearsay from someone who admittedly hated Dean. Instead, he just closed his eyes and accepted the finality of it all.

This is what always happened, wasn’t it? He never had problems if he didn’t try to make things permanent. It was only when he had feelings, when he started to trust someone that the truth reared its ugly head once more. No one could truly want Dean Winchester. He was far too flawed and broken for that. No one wanted his mess. When people got to know him, they ran. Cas was just the latest person to do so, falling in with notable others like Lisa and Cassie. He never shared how much he craved acceptance and love and so no one knew how deeply moments like this cut him. This was why he picked up people to never see them again. This was why he lived the life he did; there simply was no one out there for him. Why bother with it?

 _Fuck this shit._ He’d been good before. He’d talked to Ellen, gone home, showered, and gotten ready for bed. Now he no longer gave a shit. He only knew that he wasn’t going to sit here and suffer for an asshole who clearly had never cared. He got back out of bed and stomped down the stairs in his underwear. He padded barefoot through the kitchen, opened the liquor cabinet and took out a bottle of Jack. Then he returned to his room. He pulled a shot glass out of the drawer in his desk and poured himself a shot. When he’d had three, he put the bottle down and glared at it.

He’d tried to do the right thing. To make friends, to go at a pace that wouldn’t scare him, to let him lead. All were things that were well outside of his usual efforts. Well, a fat lot of good that had done him. He pounded back three more shots. It didn’t fucking matter. None of it mattered anymore. Dean drank until he passed out on the bed.


	8. I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose; Fire away, fire away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean looked at Castiel for a long moment. His eyes glittered with clear anger before he snorted and said with a sneer, “Yeah…no.” He turned on his heel and went back into his office, closing the door behind him as he went.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song referenced in the title is "Titanium" by David Guetta featuring Sia. 
> 
> The chapter is short today. I hope you enjoy!

The following morning, Dean was determined to show that nothing was wrong. If there was one thing he had some practice with, it was ignoring his emotions as well as avoiding talking about them. He’d been pretty open with everyone regarding the whole Cas thing. He was done with that now. He unlocked the library at the crack of dawn, far earlier then he had to, just in case Cas parked in the same lot as him (it happened from time to time). Best if they not cross paths for a while… or ever.

Once inside, he locked the door behind him and went to his desk. He booted the computer, checked his email, and then checked his calendar to see if he had any meetings. All of it was normal, everyday activities that he routinely did every morning when he came to work. There was something restful about a silent library. No voices, no footsteps. There was no quiet clatter of Charlie’s keyboard or Garth’s off key humming. Nothing but the sound of his own breath. He checked his to do list and jumped into work. He had plenty to do in the rare book room, since he was one of three people allowed in there (himself, Charlie, and Regina who’d proven to be extremely careful – more so than other grad students).

He got as far as the hallway before stopping. The memories of the previous day slammed into his head and he beat a hasty retreat. That was the straw that broke his back. Dean’s favorite place in the library had just been taken away from him by memories he wanted nothing more than to forget.

Dean retreated to the circulation desk with his shoulders hunched and his head down. Instead of going back to his office, he grabbed one of the book request lists sitting on the desk. Normally when a faculty member requested a lot of books to work on an article Dean had the grad students go fetch them however, he wanted away from the front for now. This list was from Dr. Barnes from the history department. She was kinda cool for a chick that slapped his ass every time she saw him. (Note, he didn’t go running to HR about it.) Besides, the history section was in the basement level of the library.

He walked through the stacks, collecting the books that Pamela wanted and tossing them on the cart. It was simple work but not mindless; Dean had to pay attention to the numbers to get the correct books. He lost himself in it for nearly an hour before he had to go up and unlock the library to start the day. He manned the circulation desk until Charlie came in.

“Morning, Charlie!” He greeted her with false brightness and went back to his computer screen. As such, he didn’t see her suspicious look. This would be the way the rest of the day went. Dean tried his best to seem normal. He was falsely cheerful when required to be, groused when appropriate, and smiled when he should. The only catch was that none of it reached his eyes. He wasn’t truly present in the moment and sometimes he had to be asked the same question twice because he wasn’t there. If asked what was up, he denied that anything was wrong. Lunchtime found him slaving away in the rare book room (he’d ran through the hall and forced himself not to think about it). He’d stayed there until it was time for the others to leave but instead of waiting it out and leaving when the library closed as he usually did, he begged Charlie to let him go early.

She gave him that suspicious look again and held it for a long time before she let him go. Dean breathed a sigh of relief. He hoped that tomorrow would be another day and he’d feel better if he got some rest. In the end, he simply went home and drank himself to sleep again.

***

The next day was a repeat of that first day. The only difference was that Dean didn’t beg Charlie to stay for him. This was driving Claire crazy.  When she was at the library, even though Dean was “acting” fine, he very clearly was not.  And when she had lunch with Castiel, he was angry all the time.  But she knew he was really just sad.  So, she was going to fix it.  Or die trying.

Maybe it was a half-baked idea, but she didn’t have time for a fully baked idea.  Her sanity couldn’t take this any longer.  Besides, this stupid half-baked idea worked when Regina used it on her and Kevin.

So, after her very uncomfortable lunch with her uncle, she very conveniently left her purse behind.  Then, while Regina was off at lunch with Sam, and Kevin was tucked away in the office with Charlie, helping her with her digitizing project, and Garth was running an errand for Professor Adler, (which Dean was against, but Garth wanted to get away from Dean as much as everyone else did).  She and Dean were the only ones really left in the library, and that was essential to her plan.

Step 1, text Uncle Cassie:

_Me: OMG!  I left my purse in your office!_

_Uncle Cassie: It’s OK, you can pick it up when you’re finished at the library._

_Me:  No!  You don’t understand…it has my “girlie” products in it, and I NEED them.  And I can’t leave the library…there’s only two of us here, and Dean is busy in the rare book room._

Claire knew throwing in the memory of that room might help her plan along.

_Uncle Cassie: Fine.  I’ll be right there._

When Castiel arrived at the library a few minutes later with Claire’s purse, he found his niece and Dean standing behind the front desk.  He almost turned around and left, as he thought he wouldn’t be seeing Dean.  But, he couldn’t leave Claire without her “girlie” things.  He took a steadying breath and walked to the desk.

“Here’s your bag, Claire.  Now I really should get going.”  He was trying like hell not to look at Dean.

“Wait, Uncle Cassie.  Hold on.  Are you free on Friday?  Around 8pm?”

“Yes, I am.”

Claire then turned to Dean.  “What about you?”

 _Is she trying to start peace talks?_  Both men thought to themselves.

“Yes?” Dean answered hesitantly.

“Great.  Because I’m not.  You two go on without me.  Enjoy your date!”  With that, Claire grabbed her purse and scampered off to the ladies’ room.

Dean looked at Castiel for a long moment. His eyes glittered with clear anger before he snorted and said with a sneer, “Yeah…no.” He turned on his heel and went back into his office, closing the door behind him as he went.

Castiel was left standing at the circulation desk by himself, feeling awkward. He’d been furious, he knew Dean was furious, but somehow when he stared it in the face, it was a totally different matter. He’d been trying not to think of those last words Dean had said to him, but they came to him now: _And for the record, I never saw you as ‘just another conquest.’_ Castiel preferred not to think about it and so he left the library.

***

The next day was Friday. Dean had been craving it like a drowning man for air. He wanted the weekend to stay at home, to be alone with another bottle of Jack (he was now out) and a stack of Vonnegut novels. To hell with the University, Castiel fucking Novak, and the rest of the library staff who were trying to help and only serving to either piss him off or make him feel worse. Garth made two attempts that day at cheering him up: first by singing an off key song to him and the second by performing a puppet show complete with button eyed sock puppets. It had taken all his self-control not to steal the damn puppets and chew their stupid eyes off. Charlie he mostly avoided. When he’d seen Claire next he’d patted her on the back and had whispered to her, ‘Please stop trying’.

He felt monumental relief when it was time to leave. He locked the library and wasted no time in jumping into Baby and racing home with a brief stop off at the liquor store for more whiskey. Once home, he ordered a large pepperoni pizza with a dozen wings. He ate all the wings, two pieces of pizza and a couple of beers before he adjourned to the couch with his Jack Daniels and the aforementioned stack of novels.

He was four shots and half a novel in when he heard a knock on the door. Standing was a little bit fun because he was tipsy and that buoyed his mood just a little. When he opened the door, he was bemused and a little resigned to see Charlie there. He knew it wouldn’t last; the part where everyone left him alone to his personal misery. “Hey Charlie.”

“You know, it’d be easier to talk to you if you hadn’t broken your phone or at least had replaced it.” She pointed out as she pushed him out of the way and flopped down in the beaten but very comfortable arm chair in his living room.

Dean shut the door and resumed his place on the couch, which had been reclined. He didn’t open the book and he didn’t talk. He knew Charlie would have more than enough to say for the both of them. For a time, there was silence as Dean stared at the ceiling and Charlie stared at him. Finally, Charlie got up, went into the kitchen and grabbed herself a beer before rejoining him.

“We need to talk.” She finally said to him.

Dean cut his eyes over to her and sighed loudly. “Can we just pretend that we did? Because I don’t want to.”

Charlie rolled her eyes. “No.” She got up and pushed his legs off the end of the couch so she could sit there. It forced Dean to have to sit up. “Look, something’s up, we all know it. No one knows what happened but we all guess it had something to do with Castiel.”

Dean winced which more or less proved her right. “It’s nothing that wasn’t a surprise really.” There was resignation in his voice as if this was something that had been a foregone conclusion.

“Dean… you know that’s not true. You guys had the start of something good.” She grabbed Dean’s hand and leaned in front of him so they were face to face.

He turned his head away. “Yeah, well, apparently not. After he called off our date, he sent me a text and told me to leave him alone. That he couldn’t do this.” He shook his head. “Whatever _this_ was, it’s done.”

“Why would he do that? He all but attacked you on Wednesday.” Something wasn’t adding up.

“He threw back all the rumors that circulate around me. That I’m a man whore out to take advantage of him because I’m some sort of predator.” His eyes were pleading as he looked at Charlie. “You know me. You know I don’t go after someone who doesn’t want it too.”

Charlie nodded. Whatever her opinions were about Dean’s special brand of relationship avoidance, she knew that he didn’t want to hear them now. “I know, Dean. You are very careful and considerate of people’s feelings.” It was true. She knew he went to lengths to make sure his dates knew it was a one-time thing.

Dean was quiet for a long moment, so much so that Charlie wondered if this was all. Until he spoke again. “That wasn’t all. He said something else… a rumor I hadn’t heard.”

“Which was?”

“He thought I’d hit on a student. That I’d tried to sleep with someone in the grad program.” The twist of his lips was more than enough for her to know what he thought of this. It was practically anathema to Dean to even consider such a thing. Whoever started this one not only didn’t know Dean at all but also had it in for him. This could be career ending for him.

“As soon as I find who started that rumor, they will be fish food.” Charlie promised, her eyes taking on a dangerous gleam.

Dean chuckled. “If you can find them, then be my guest.” She grinned at him and he grinned back but soon what little amusement he’d found slid off his face. “So you see Charlie? It’s hopeless. If he can think so little of me, what use is there? He didn’t ask me about it or give me a chance. He just decided.”

Charlie nodded. There was little else she could say to him now, however, she had half a mind to go let Castiel have it. No one treats the Queen of Moondor’s bestie this way and gets away with it. “You could have told me, Dean. We all knew something was wrong.” When Dean shook his head, she went on. “Look, no matter what you think, all of us in the library love you. Even your grad students wanted to help.”

Dean nodded. “You guys are too good for me.”

“Well maybe, but you are stuck with us Winchester.” She poked Dean in the side and laughed when he flinched. Manly Dean Winchester was extremely ticklish and she knew it.

He watched her warily, scooting across the couch. “Chick flick moment over?”

“Chick flick moment over.” Charlie confirmed as she hopped off the couch. “Now, let’s watch something with a lot of explosions in it.”

“You’re on.” Dean said with a sigh and leaned back into the corner of his couch. He didn’t think about watching Star Wars with Castiel. He didn’t think about kissing him at the door to say goodnight and he didn’t think about making out in the library. He poured another shot of whiskey and debated movies until they settled on something with a lot of action and very little romance. At least he had Charlie. That was something, right?


	9. Sorry, sorry, sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Charlie was finished, Claire scowled and squinted her eyes down at the shorter woman. “I am going to FUCKING KILL HIM!!!!” Claire exclaimed.
> 
> “Shhhhh….” Charlie admonished. “You’re still in a library, Sweetie. But yes, I fully appreciate and support that emotion.”
> 
> “It’s just too bad I have to wait until my lunch break to do it.” Claire pouted.
> 
> “Yes, unfortunately, you have responsibilities here.”
> 
> “Fine. Responsibilities first, kill uncle later.”
> 
> “Good plan,” Charlie agreed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title inspiration: "Sorry, Sorry" by Super Junior

After school, Castiel went straight home and did his very best to avoid his housemates.  He didn’t even join them for dinner.  He felt worse than he had ever felt in his entire life.  Catholic guilt had nothing on the guilt he felt over hurting Dean.  When Dean had texted him the other day, he seemed concerned about Cas.  And what did he do in response?  Told him to leave him alone.

Then, he accused Dean of being inappropriate with a student.  The Dean he knows (or thinks he knows) would never do that.  But he knew Gabriel wouldn’t lie to him.  The one thing Castiel didn’t consider is that perhaps someone had lied to Gabriel.  He could have at least ASKED Dean about it before accusing him of something that could cause him to lose his job, his library.  Castiel should have known better.  He knows how much the library means to the other man.

But it was probably good that he had pushed Dean away, Castiel reasoned to himself.  Because the type of things Dean made him feel, those things were simply out of the question for Castiel.  He could see no way to reconcile his faith with the type of relationship he wanted with Dean, and his faith had to be honored.

Miserably, Castiel drank himself into a stupor with the bottle of whiskey he kept stashed in his room and passed out.

***

When Monday rolled around, Charlie felt like she could not possibly wait the endless 60 minutes between the start of her shift at the library and when the grad students arrived.  She HAD to talk to Claire.  Immediately.  Somehow, she felt that maybe Castiel was just as miserable as Dean, and since the two men were clearly far too stubborn and emotionally constipated to fix the problem, it would be up the much younger, smarter, and cuter ladies in their lives.

As soon as Charlie’s Angels arrived, as Charlie had taken to calling the grad students because they were ALWAYS together, she immediately grabbed Claire’s wrist and dragged her into the office, closed the door, and locked it.  The last thing she needed was Dean walking in while she was plotting to get him his boyfriend back.  (And yes, that was how Charlie was viewing this whole thing, even if it was presumptuous.)

“What the Hell, Charlie?  Isn’t Kevin your little tech pet?”  Claire asked, more surprised than anything else.

“Yep.  And a mighty fine tech pet he is.  But he can’t help me with this particular conundrum.”

“Dean and Castiel?” Claire asked, though she already knew the answer.

“Dean and Castiel.” Charlie confirmed.

“Did you ever find out what the Hell even happened between them?” Claire asked.  “Because Uncle Cassie has been nothing but a silent, grumpy lump for days.”

“Well, let’s just say Castiel said some very hurtful things to Dean last week.  I don’t know if it was his Catholic guilt thing making him want to push Dean away or what, but what he said…what he accused Dean of, was very VERY not cool,” Charlie started, and went on to explain what Dean had told her had happened.

When Charlie was finished, Claire scowled and squinted her eyes down at the shorter woman.  “I am going to FUCKING KILL HIM!!!!”  Claire exclaimed.

“Shhhhh….” Charlie admonished.  “You’re still in a library, Sweetie.  But yes, I fully appreciate and support that emotion.”

“It’s just too bad I have to wait until my lunch break to do it.” Claire pouted.

“Yes, unfortunately, you have responsibilities here.”

“Fine.  Responsibilities first, kill uncle later.”

“Good plan,” Charlie agreed.

***

Castiel was nursing a pretty wicked hang over.  He had spent his entire weekend avoiding the world in a drunken stupor.  The only time he left the house was to buy more alcohol.  He had his morning classes reading silently from their text books as he all but laid his head on the desk and groaned.

When lunch time rolled around, he gratefully hid in his office.  He knew he wouldn’t be alone for long, but maybe he could convince his chatty niece to be quiet for once.  No such luck.

Claire practically burst through the door, slamming it behind her.  She glared at her uncle.  “Castiel James Novak, what in the name of…of…EVERYTHING did you do?????”

Castiel flinched, not just because her loud voice made everything hurt, but also because of her harsh words.  He had never seen Claire look at him...or anyone else, for that matter, with so much anger in her eyes.

He dropped his head into his arms on his desk as he groaned out, “What the Hell are you talking about?  And please explain yourself quietly.”

Claire grabbed a handful of Castiel’s hair and pulled his head up, forcing him to meet her eyes.  “You actually accused Dean of hitting on one of his STUDENTS!  He would never!  The library means too much to him.  WE mean too much to him!”

Castiel’s eyes suddenly filled with tears.  He gently removed Claire’s hand from his head.  He spoke softly, emotion flooding his voice.  “Don’t you think I know that, Claire?  But maybe it’s better this way.  He should just stay far, far away from me.”

“What are you talking about?” Claire’s voice softened immediately.  She dropped down into her chair and patted Castiel’s hand in a comforting gesture.

“The way I feel for Dean…The way I want to be with him….It’s at odds with the very fiber of my faith, the fiber of who I am.” Castiel spoke slowly, trying to find his words through the fog in his head.  “When I’m with him, everything just feels so natural, so good, so RIGHT.  But as soon as I’m away from that spell, I know everything about it is wrong.  Everything about ME is wrong.  Don’t you understand, Claire?  It’s in Dean’s best interest to stay far, far away from me.  Before my guilt eats me alive and I end up hurting him again.”

“Oh, Uncle Cassie,” Claire said softly.  “You poor idiotic man child.”

Castiel shoots her a confused glare.

“Read your Bible…for whatever the billionth time it is…GOD IS LOVE.  So why should you feel guilty about feeling it for someone?”

The look he’s sending her scarcely changes.

“What?  My step father is a Deacon.  I know a little something about the Good Book.”  Claire said, her signature sass back in full affect.  “I’d love to stay and help you get the rest of the way out of this funk, but I do have responsibilities back at the library, so I will leave you with this parting thought: Apologize to Dean.  Bring him a sack of his favorite cheeseburgers and go apologize, you sanctimonious dick.”  With that last word, Claire rose from her seat and left Castiel alone with his thoughts.

***

Since Dean was still pretty much moping around the library, (even though he would swear he never let anyone notice) the grad students were mostly left to their own devices.  So when Claire returned from lunch, she found her friends sorting books in the Adult Romance section of the library.  When she joined them, the first words out of her mouth where, “Fucking Catholic guilt.  What the fucking fuck?”

Regina just looked at her and said simply, “Catholic guilt can be a pretty heavy weight to carry on one’s shoulders.”

Claire leveled her tiny friend with an icy glare of her blue eyes.  “What the fuck do you even KNOW about guilt?  You and Sam have barely even kissed!”

“And WHY do you think that is?” Regina countered.  “Hello, Catholic guilt, party of one!”

That seemed to cool Claire’s jets almost immediately.  “Oh.  And here I thought it was because kissing leads to stuff…and stuff can lead to other stuff and you were just worried about a giant moose dick spearing you to death.”

“Wow… just wow, Claire.” Kevin groused with a disturbed look on his face. “That was a mental image I didn’t need. Does anyone have brain bleach?”

“Kevin, go to lunch!” Dean suddenly shouted from the other side of the shelves.  Where he totally wasn’t eavesdropping.  Also, he wasn’t considering how that whole Catholic guilt thing could have turned Castiel into a raging asshole. Nope, not even a little.

***

Castiel spent the rest of his classes close to the same way he spent the first.  He had his classes read silently.  But this time, it wasn’t so he could nurse his hangover, it was so he could think, really think, about what Claire had said.  He didn’t really think she was necessarily right.  But what he did know is that whenever he was around Dean, the knot of guilt that was perpetually weighing him down was nonexistent.  That is, until he left Dean.  Then it just got heavier and heavier until he ended up saying hurtful things.  Which of course served to make the knot that much worse.  He literally had no idea what to do.  Even though he really wanted to see Dean, he knew it would be a very, VERY bad idea.

***

After her shift at the library, instead of catching a ride back to their shared apartment in Regina’s “Soul Train,” Claire went directly to her see her uncle.  She was going to make sure he did the right thing if it was the last thing she did.  She wanted two of her favorite “old dudes” to be happy, dammit, and she was going to make it happen.

She simply barged into his office and announced, “Come on.  We’re going to hop into that Pimpmobile of yours, go to that dive bar Dean likes, pick up his favorite burgers, and then you’re going to beg for his forgiveness. I will NOT take ‘no’ for an answer.  You know how we Novak girls are when we make up our minds!”

“Why are you so much like your mother?” Castiel lamented, but was actually relieved to have the decision made for him.  He grabbed his trench coat and keys, locked up his office and followed Claire out.

***

Dean was looking forward to a quiet night at home, ~~wallowing in his self-pity~~ … ahem, spending quality time alone when his giant brother and his tiny girlfriend came bounding into the house, very much not quietly.  Happily for Dean, the intrusion only lasted long enough for the couple to make their way up to Sam’s room.  After the conversation Dean had overheard at the library earlier, he didn’t even bother to jokingly shout “Better keep the door open!”  Since he figured they wouldn’t be doing anything anyway.

Dean’s peace was short lived as the couple bounded back into the living room.  And then Sam was talking to him, which meant he now had to pay attention.

“Hey, Dean, we’re heading over to the Roadhouse.  Jo said if I didn’t bring my ‘new lady’ by soon, she was going to bring her big knife over here and cut my hair…Anyway, do you want to come with us?  I’m sure Jo and Ellen would like to see you too.”

“I’d happily let Jo in the house to do it, too,” Dean groused then shook his head.  “But no, Sam.  I think I just want to stay home and read, if that’s OK with you.”

Sam shot him his patented “bitch face” but said, “Fine, but don’t blame me if one of the Harvelle ladies hunts you down.”

“Bye, Sam,” Dean said, not bothering to acknowledge the bitch face.

***

It took all of Jo’s restraint not to pull one of her many hidden knives out and cut Castiel when she saw him walk in the door with a pretty (and young) blonde.  Charlie had refused to give Jo all the details about what happened (because she KNEW what Jo would do) but she knew enough to know that Cas hurt Dean.  Hurt HER Dean, and for that he had to suffer.  So, how DARE he come into her bar with someone else?

Luckily for Castiel’s “man parts,” Charlie had been sitting at the bar, so she was able to intercept Jo.  “Jo, Sweetie, that’s just Claire.  That’s his niece.  She’s on our side, trust me.”

“Oh.” Jo calmed down but was still tossing suspicious looks at Claire and mildly murderous ones at Cas.

Castiel was stalling at the doorway, so Claire grabbed him and dragged him to the bar.  She sat in the bar stool next to Charlie while Castiel just stood there staring.  Claire rolled her eyes.  “What’s Dean’s favorite burger?” Claire asked.

“Bacon cheeseburger,” Charlie answered.

At that moment, Jo slipped back behind the bar.  “What can I get you?” It was a little bit intimidating because an angry Jo was intense.

Claire looked over to Castiel, who was still just staring.  She rolled her eyes and ordered for him.  “Two bacon cheeseburgers and fries.  To go.”

Once the order came out and Jo handed it off to Claire, she handed it to Castiel.  “Ok, let’s go.  You have a lot of supplicating to do.”

“Wait.  By the time I drive you home and get over there, the burgers will be cold.  This is a bad idea, Claire.”

As if the stars were aligning in her favor, Sam and Regina walked in at that moment.

“No problem, Uncle Cassie.  I’ll just hang with them and catch a ride home on the Soul Train.  Now go before me and Charlie and that scary blonde behind the bar gang up on you.  Because you know we will!”

***

Castiel knew that there were times in his life that he’d surely dreaded something more, but at the moment he couldn’t think of it. He’d been sitting in his parked car in Dean’s parking lot for the last five minutes. The burgers were still hot but he knew they wouldn’t stay that way for long. He stared at the door, knowing Dean was alone inside and probably didn’t want to see him. He took a deep breath and steeled himself. One way or another, he owed Dean an apology. If he didn’t want to see him anymore after that, well, Castiel would have to accept that. Even though he’d told himself it was for the best, the thought alone twisted his gut into knots. He didn’t want Dean to dismiss him completely. How did this get so complicated?

He pushed open his car and walked to the door before he could stop himself. He had as much nerve now as he was ever going to have. He knocked on the door.

There was a long moment when he could hear Dean grumbling but not make out what he was saying and then the door was swinging open. Castiel was beginning to think he’d never been more nervous than at this moment.

The moment Dean laid eyes on him, his expression locked up. He watched it happen, the rapid shift from open and curious to closed and cool. Without a word, Dean began to swing the door shut again. Without thinking it through, Cas shoved his hand into the door which happened to be the one holding the burgers in the bag marked with the Roadhouse’s logo.

“Dean, wait, please! I.. just came to apologize.” The words burst out of him in a rush. He wanted to look away but forced himself to look at Dean, because Dean’s emotions were always in his eyes. At the moment, there was caution in their green.

Dean grunted but then there was a very long stretch of silence. They stared at each other. Cas looking into Dean’s eyes to try to tell what he was thinking; he was also aware that Dean was gazing back, his eyes searching for something.

Castiel broke the silence. “I was out of line. I was a little scared and…” He shook his head. “The excuse doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t have said what I did.” He held out the bag of food again as his peace offering.

Dean moved slowly, sliding the door open a little more as he continued looking at Cas. His expression said he didn’t know what to think but then he took the bag offered to him. “No, you shouldn’t have done that.” Dean agreed as he opened the bag and took in wrapped burgers and fries. “Are you trying to buy my forgiveness?” For all that Dean was talking, his voice was stiff and cool.

Castiel hadn’t considered that he’d cut deep with his words, but now he could see that he had. “No.” He shook his head in answer, because he hadn’t truly thought that he could do so. “It was meant to be a nice gesture. I understand that forgiveness, like trust, can’t be bought.”

Dean nodded at that, his eyes still on Castiel’s face for a moment more before the contact was broken and he was looking down and to the right. They’d reached the end of the openness that Dean was willing to share. “It seems like there was never trust between us at all.”

Castiel’s heart sank tremendously, even though he knew the words were true. He didn’t know what he could say to that and drew a step back, ready to head back to his car. His apology had been given, which should ease his guilty conscious. It didn’t, but he knew it should.

“You might as well come in and have your burger.” Dean said with resignation just as Castiel opened his mouth to give his goodbye.

Castiel blinked, tilting his head to the side. “Are… are you sure.”

Dean gave him an annoyed, flat look. “Just come in before I change my mind.”

Castiel scrambled through the door and closed it behind him, since Dean was walking over to the kitchen table. It was strange how different the place had looked to him on the night when they’d had dinner together. It had been warm and inviting, now he was seeing it with trepidation, as if this were the last time he might see the place at all. When he reached the table, Dean dropped a bottle of Castiel’s favorite beer in front of him. The gesture warmed his heart, even in the midst of all this trouble. He glanced up at Dean and risked a smile. “Thank you, Dean.”

Dean grunted and sat in the chair in front of him, carrying along a bottle of beer for himself. He handed Cas a burger and some fries before taking the rest for himself. For the moment, silence settled between them as they unwrapped their burgers. This wasn’t like earlier silences they’d shared when things were good; this silence was fraught with tension and decidedly uncomfortable.

Castiel felt that he should say something… anything at all. “I… shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions.”

Dean nodded, looking up at Cas mid-bite. He swallowed. “I wish you’d have at least said something or let me defend myself at least.” He put his burger down and reached for his beer. The bottle was nearly empty by the time Dean put it down. “What you said… I would never.” He shook his head. “The very idea of doing anything with a student makes me sick. That’s not me.” He seemed on the verge of silence when he added, “I’m a lot of things, Cas. But I don’t use people. Everything I’ve done before has been with people who knew the score and were cool with it.” Dean seemed to have run out of words and picked up his burger again.

“I… didn’t know.” Castiel said before he knocked back his own beer and finished the bottle. This was the sort of thing that was going to take more than one drink. “You are right, I didn’t take the time to know.”

Seeing that they were both empty, Dean went to the refrigerator and got them each another beer. “I’m not oblivious. I know what people say about me. Public opinion isn’t kind. Usually I just tell them to go fuck themselves.” He returned to his chair and looked at Cas. This time Dean’s green eyes pierced into Cas’s. “I suppose I thought better of you.” The disappointment was carved into Dean’s face.

The words pierced Castiel through and he started to wonder if there was ever going to be a way to make this right. “I should have been.” He finally agreed. “You have never given me any reason to doubt. I listened to the wrong words and I made a grave error. I’m so sorry, Dean. I don’t think there are enough words to convey that.”

Dean’s face flitted through several expressions though it was hard to read exactly what he was thinking: indecision, surprise, but something darker too. Castiel wasn’t naïve enough to believe that Dean was without his demons and now he realized that he was seeing them for the first time, even if he didn’t know what they were. Something in his shoulders relaxed a fraction. “I want to believe you.” He said finally.

“I know I don’t deserve it Dean, but I want you to believe it too.” For the first time, there was a sliver of hope in Castiel’s heart. He knew he shouldn’t press it, he should return them to being at least okay with each other and leave it at that. But he yearned for something more, hungered for it in a way that scared him. Maybe… maybe he should just be honest about that. When he looked up, Dean was looking back at him so he met those green eyes head on. Despite the tension in the air around them, there was a naked intimacy to it as well.

For a moment, they seemed to understand something that words couldn’t give them.

Dean broke eye contact first. “Then I’ll believe.” He looked back up, his expression hardening. “This time. But I can’t do it a second time, Cas. Be honest with me. That’s all I want. If there’s a next time…” Dean shook his head and looked away.

“There won’t be.” The words came out before he thought about that, before he was completely sure that he could live up to that promise. “I… the things happening between us, they scare me a little. I… don’t know what to make of it. It’s all new to me.” He couldn’t quite bring himself to speak of the Catholic guilt and how it was tearing him apart. He didn’t think Dean would understand. “So much of my life has driven me away from anything like this.”

Dean’s expression softened as he picked up his beer and leaned back, body relaxed. “If it’s any consolation, this thing with us has made my head spin.”

They shared a grin across the table.

“I think it is, actually. Thank you, Dean.” Cas finished his beer and set it aside. “Where… do we go from here?”

“Do… you want to try?” Dean asked, setting his own beer aside. For all that he’d been stern and honest before, he shifted immediately to awkward now. “Um… to try to have a relationship like real people?” Dean winced as it came out, which was unbearably cute.

“Yes, I think I would like that.” For as nervous as he’d been, Castiel’s heart warmed now. He struggled against the feeling because he knew better, he was bad for Dean. Dean was bad for him, right? But the way he felt when he was near Dean was something that he had a hard time fighting. It felt so good and his impulse was to follow it, to try and see even though he already knew where that path led. God help him, he couldn’t stop himself.

“Then… could we go out on a date?” Dean asked, hope seeping into his expression. “Not now. Or tomorrow. How about Friday? Then we have time to think it over. If anyone gets cold feet, we’ve got time to call it off.”

Castiel nodded. Having time to think might help. It also might make him freak again. He hoped it was the former, when all was told. “Friday then.”

“How about I meet you after classes and we can go from there?”

“It’s a date, Dean.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, Misha is struggling in Entertainment Weekly's Alpha Male Madness competition. If you have time throw him a vote. Please?
> 
> http://www.eonline.com/news/845507/alpha-male-madness-2017-vote-in-the-final-4


	10. If you pull then I push too deep and I fall right back to you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean already wanted to flee, to go back to the library and bury himself in the rare books room for the next several days. Books were easy. “What do you want?” 
> 
> “The church says…” Cas began.
> 
> “No.” Dean cut him off, feeling his anger rise again. “Not what the church wants. Not what you’ve been told to want. What do you want, Cas?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song referenced in the title is "Clarity" by Zedd featuring Foxes. 
> 
> This is a long one guys. I hope you are ready for some smut, cause it be ahead.  
> ~ Neal
> 
> Trigger warning at the end.

Castiel arrived back at Gabriel and Kali’s place before he knew it.  He had spent his entire drive enjoying his Dean-induced high.  When he pulled into the driveway, he could see the light was still on in Kali’s office, but the rest of house appeared dark.  He was sure he could slip in and up to his room without having to engage with his housemates.

He easily made it up to his room.  By the time Castiel finished his shower, where he had enjoyed some very nice Dean-related thoughts and subsequent physical release, he was feeling better than he had in days.  That was, until he made it back into his bedroom.

Castiel’s room at Gabriel’s was decorated much the same way his room at the rectory had been – sparse.  He sat on his bed and glanced around.  There was the crucifix on the wall, his well-worn Bible on the night stand, simple furniture, and not much else.  When he pulled his sleep pants out of his dresser, his fingers brushed his old clerical collar.  The knot of guilt in his gut that had all but dissipated after his dinner with Dean came roaring back with a vengeance.

Suddenly, Castiel couldn’t breathe.  His chest was tight and his stomach wanted to regurgitate everything he had eaten for the last week.  He collapsed onto his bed, the towel he had wrapped around his waist dropping to the floor.

He was overcome with memories.  A camp when he was young, probably 12 or so.  The counselors touted they would “pray the gay away.”  But that wasn’t all they did.  Castiel’s mind was suddenly filled with beatings, crying, begging to go home, and begging for his sister.  He didn’t know where this was coming from, these flashes of images and feelings.  Feelings of pain, of being scared, being ashamed, and not really knowing what he had done wrong.

Curled up in the fetal position, crying and shaking, and wanting nothing more than to be home with Anna again, Castiel fell into a fitful sleep.  His dreams were filled with horrible images that he had spent his entire life trying to forget.

When Castiel’s alarm went off in the morning, his head felt like it was being drilled by a jackhammer from Hell.  There was no way he was willing to even get out of bed.  With shaking hands, he grabbed his phone and sent an email to Dr. Crowley, the head of the Religious Studies department, and asked for another professor to cover his classes.

Head still pounding, and flashes of memories still fresh in his head, there was one more thing Castiel had to do while he still had his phone in his hand.  He pulled up his text screen and shot off a text to Dean.

_There is no way I can do this.  I’m terribly sorry._

That being taken care of, Castiel did something he hadn’t done since he was a child.  He cried himself to sleep.

Of course, Dean never received that text message, because his phone was still broken.

                                                                           ***                                                             

Dean was having the best Tuesday he could remember in a very long time.  He actually had an unnatural aversion to Tuesdays that he never could quite explain.  This Tuesday, however, was amazing. 

Even though he was still apprehensive about taking that “relationship” step with Cas, Dean couldn’t deny just how good it felt.  He actually found himself whistling as he tended to his normal library duties, and didn’t care when each person on his staff gave him weird looks throughout the day.

The one low spot in Dean’s day is when he noticed Claire come back from lunch a good 30 minutes early.  Which was especially weird, since she was usually 10 minutes late, much to the dismay of Kevin’s blood sugar.  Not wanting to sound TOO concerned, Dean managed to casually say, “You’re back early.”

“Yeah.  Apparently Uncle Cassie didn’t come in today.  That’s weird.” Claire fixes Dean with a squint and head tilt (much like her uncle’s).  “What did you do?”

“Me?  I didn’t do anything.  He apologized and we made up and…” Dean trailed off…he was not going to go into details of his budding relationship with one of his students.  Then the panic started to set in.  He started to wonder if Cas was freaking out again.  “Why don’t you call and check on him?  My phone is still broken.” Dean added quickly.  Even if he did have a working phone, he did not want to be the one to make that phone call.

“And you’re not going to bitch at me for using my cell phone in the library?” Claire asked suspiciously.

“Not since I’m the one telling you to do it.” What Dean wanted to say was, “so do it already.”  But he didn’t want to be THAT guy.

“OK.”  Claire pulled her phone out and made the call.  “Uncle Cassie?....You sound like shit….Oh man, that sucks.  I’m sorry.”

Dean was trying really hard to eavesdrop on the conversation, irritated he could only hear Claire’s side.

“Well, feel better.  I can’t have my favorite uncle lying in bed all day……Yes, yes I know you’re my only uncle….Get some rest….See you tomorrow….bye.”

When she finally hung up the phone, Dean, trying to seem cool about it, asked her, “Well?”

“He said he has the world’s worst migraine.  He sounds awful.” Claire frowned at her phone, concern coloring her pretty features.

***

Castiel was awakened by his phone ringing.  He felt like he had the world’s worst hangover, even though he didn’t drink that much last night.  Oh, last night.  He felt himself smile softly when he remembered it, which was answered by the pounding in his head and vague memories of what had happened once he got home.  He almost forgot that he had called out for his classes today.

Then he remembered the text message he sent, and was terrified to answer his phone.  But when the ringing stopped only to start back up again, he finally picked it up.  Seeing that it was Claire, he answered it with a pained “Hello.”  He told Claire he had a migraine, which with the way his head felt, wasn’t exactly a lie, per se, but it also wasn’t the whole truth. Castiel didn’t want to think about that right now.

Now that he was awake, Castiel could feel all of the emotions from last night trying to claw their way back to the surface.  He decided to do one thing that he knew would always soothe him.  Castiel dressed in old jeans and tee shirt and made his way down to the kitchen.  Baking, making things people would enjoy, had always worked to calm even his most frayed nerves so that’s what he decided to do.

A few hours later, Castiel had four beautiful bourbon pecan pies sitting out to cool, calmer nerves, and a much clearer head.  Which only lead him to really remember the emotionally charged text he had sent to Dean as well as how much it hurt Dean last time he sent him a text without thinking.  Even if he couldn’t do whatever they were trying to do, Dean deserved better than a one sentence text message and no further explanation.  The problem was, Castiel had no idea how to fix it this time.

There was one person Castiel could always count on to help him deal with anything.  Anna.  He didn’t know why he hadn’t thought to call her before now.  But that didn’t matter, not when right now Castiel wanted nothing more than to talk to his big sister.

After speaking to Anna, Castiel felt clearer on the situation.  He wasn’t surprised that Anna already knew what was going on, because Claire liked to talk.  Anna even knew what Castiel had said to Dean, which just made the guilt knot start to form in Cas’s gut again.  But somehow, Anna made everything better.  She was not thrilled that the memories of the conversion camp had started to come back.  She had hoped her brother would have kept those memories repressed forever.  She hated the idea of him having to relive any of that.

What she had finally said to Castiel was this, “If you truly feel like you can’t handle being in a relationship with this Dean guy, then you need to tell him and then stay away from him, because there’s no reason for you to keep hurting each other.  But if you do want to actually try to have an adult relationship then you need to be honest with him.  You need to tell him everything.  He has a right to know that you could continue to struggle with this relationship for a very long time.  Oh, and Castiel, see a therapist.  PTSD is a real thing.  I’m going to email you a list of colleagues in your area who specialize in your particular flavor of PTSD.  Call one.”

After that, they said their “I love you’s” and ended the call on a good note.  Castiel was a little annoyed that his sister had pulled out her psychiatrist spiel on him, but he also didn’t necessarily think she was wrong.  He would at least look at the list of doctors when she sent it to him.  At least now he had a plan.

Castiel would go back to what worked in the past.  He would give Dean a pie.  One of the delicious bourbon pecan pies he just made.  He’d leave a note with an apology and suggest that they should talk.  He’d explain to Dean that it would simply be too much for him to try a romantic relationship at this time, and see if they could try to be friends.  That seemed like a good plan, he hoped.

***

Just when Dean thought his Tuesday almost couldn’t get better (other than the not being able to see Cas part) it turned out to be a rare night that neither he nor Sam already had plans.  They decided to have a “brothers’ night out” and hit up the Roadhouse.

Once Jo had taken their orders (bacon cheeseburger for Dean and a veggie burger for Sam, which Dean did not hide his eye roll about) Ellen made a bee line for their table and shoved the giant moose of Sam over so she could be face to face with Dean.

“So, what’s the deal with this Charlie?” Ellen did not beat around the bush.

“My assistant Charlie?” Dean asked.  He was confused at first, because that is not what he was expecting Ellen to say.

“Yes, that’s the one.  That red head who’s hanging around my daughter.  What’s her deal?”

Dean laughed.  “Charlie is great.  She’s smart as hell.  She could probably be head librarian at New York City’s Metropolitan Library if she wanted to.  She seems to know everything about everything.  She’s good people, Ellen.  Besides, if she isn’t I’m pretty sure Jo will kick her ass.”

“Hmmm,” Ellen said as she gave Dean a once over.  “I suppose if she gets the Dean Winchester seal of approval, I’ll give her a chance.  But she better know what she’s dealing with here.” Ellen was carrying the “look of serious business.”

 “Fair enough,” Dean conceded.  He had no doubts Charlie would win Ellen over in no time.

Before Ellen could get up and get back to work, Bobby Singer made his way over their booth, greeting his wife with a kiss and then sliding into the booth next to Dean.  “I got something for you idjits.”  He hands each boy a new cell phone.  “Since Princess Sam was pouting because his girlfriend has a better phone than him, and this idjit…” he points to Dean, “…can’t bother to get his repaired.”  Bobby rolls his eyes before continuing.  “Somebody has to take care of you boys since you’re just so very far away from your parents.”

“Oh my God!  Thanks Bobby!  This is so AWESOME!” Sam very excitedly exclaimed.  He barely had to move to hug the man from across the booth.

“Yeah, thanks a lot Bobby,” Dean added, somewhat more demure.  He wrapped an arm around the older man’s shoulders and gave him a squeeze.

“Now, you boys have new phone numbers, so be sure to update everyone you want to be contact with.  I had to put you on a different plan because someone,” he gives a pointed look at Sam, “thinks he just has to have more data.”

“Thanks, Bobby,” Dean said again.  “Make sure you send me a copy of the bill so I can pay for mine and Sam’s phones.”

“Forget it,” Bobby says.  “Do you know how much of a discount you get with these cell phone people the more folks you add to your plan?  You’re actually saving me money.”  While that was true, Bobby also didn’t want to have anything about the phones to be associated with Dean.  He was just paranoid enough to think the stalker, whoever it was, could get a hold of that information.  It was safer to keep their phones under the Singer/Harvelle umbrella.  Of course, he’d feel a Hell of a lot better if he could convince the boys to actually move, maybe even go back home to their parents.  But he knew Dean would never leave the library and Sam wouldn’t give up his career.

Ellen and Bobby left the boys to their dinner when their burgers arrived.  Dean and Sam actually had time to really catch up on what was going on in each other’s lives.  Though they knew what was going on, since Sam’s friends and Dean’s students were in the same social circle, it wasn’t the same as really being able to talk.  It also gave Dean the opportunity to let Sam be the first to know that he was going to actually try the whole “adult relationship” thing again.

Then, Dean said something that really surprised Sam.  “Dude, you should totally invite your girlfriend over for dinner sometime.”

“Like a family dinner?”  Not only had Dean protested whenever Sam wanted to bring previous dates over, Sam also knew his brother was adamant about keeping his “real life” and his “work life” separate.  The fact that Sam was dating one of Dean’s students should have made a family dinner totally out of the question.

“Yeah, I’m serious Sam.  Regina is a good kid, and you two seem good together.”  What he didn’t tell Sam was that he wanted to talk to Regina about, well, Catholic stuff that he was too embarrassed to ask Cas.  He figured there was information he should probably have if he was going to try to make it work.

“Ok,” Sam started, and it looked like he was thinking about something.  “I think the only night we’re both free this week is Thursday.”  He gets a big puppy grin on his face.  “Let me pull out my new cell phone and ask her.”

Dean just shook his head.  He would never admit to thinking this, but it was truly adorable how excited Sam was about his new phone.  Dean suspected there was more to the new phones than just Sam wanting to one up his girl.

They had settled on Thursday for the big family dinner.  Which was perfect, since it was the night before Dean’s big date.  Of course, Dean was going to cook and he was quite surprised to find out while discussing menu options that Sam’s tiny, petite girlfriend ate more like Dean than Sam.

***

When Castiel arrived back on campus Wednesday morning, he was wracking his brain to figure out how to deliver the pie and a short note to Dean without getting Claire involved again.  If he was going to break it off with Dean once and for all, he didn’t want Claire to be in the middle.  His eyes roved around his office as he was thinking.  When his eyes landed on the leather bound edition of Shakespeare’s Sonnets, a pain seared through his chest at the thought of ending things.  He didn’t want to do it, but after what happened to him Monday night, he figured it would be the best thing.  For both of them.

When Castiel got the email from Anna, he looked at the list of doctors she recommended, but couldn’t bring himself to call any.  The very thought of talking to some stranger about his deepest, darkest memories made him want to vomit.  So, he had to do what was necessary in order to make sure those memories never came to him again.  If that meant giving up someone he wanted more than anything, so be it.

Suddenly, his eyes landed on a pile of books he had borrowed from the library a couple of weeks ago.  He was just going to give them to Claire to return, but instead he packed them into a canvas bag he had stashed away.  He then dumped the remaining folders out of the big box he had under his desk and tucked the pie into it and set it on top of the books.  Castiel pulled a sheet of paper out of his printer and wrote a note:

            _Dean,_

_I’m terribly sorry for the harsh text I sent yesterday.  I shouldn’t have done it like that.  If you are willing, I think it would be prudent for us to talk._

_~Castiel_

He carried the bag with him when he went to his first class.  As usual, Alfie was there well before the other students.  “Alfie, can you do me a favor?”

“Absolutely, Professor N.!”

“Great.  Will you please take these books to the library and drop them off at the circulation desk?  And be careful, some of them are rare and fragile.”  Not that he really had to worry about that, Alfie was pretty responsible.

“Yes, Sir!  I’ll be back in a jif!”  With that, Alfie grabbed the bag and headed out.

Garth was a little bored at the circulation desk when Alfie arrived.  (He didn’t totally have to shove Mr. Fizzles back into his pocket before greeting the young man. Nope, never happened.)  “What can I do for you?” He asked brightly.

Alfie carefully set the bag on the desk.  “Professor Novak asked me to bring these books back.  He said to be gentle with them because they’re rare, so I was,” the student proudly informed Garth.

“Thank you, young man,” Garth said, even though he wasn’t all that much older than the students he dealt with, he liked feeling important.

Alfie gave a salute and a wave before heading back to class.

Garth was a little confused as to why “Professor Novak” would have a student deliver books during class.  He could have just given them to Claire or brought them himself.  Garth started to wonder if there had been yet another fight between the Professor and the Head Librarian.  His fears were not abated when he reached into the bag and pulled out a box that had a note to Dean attached to the top.  “Just great.  Well, Mr. Fizzles, looks like you may have to make an appearance today after all.”  Garth carefully removed the box from the bag and placed it on Dean’s desk before sorting the books to go back on the shelf.

***

Dean found the box and the note around 10 am. The box had drawn him over with its delicious smell. Even from a distance he recognized Cas’s handiwork because who the hell else would bake him a pie. The note confirmed it but also left him confused. What had Cas done by text that he shouldn’t have? His initial thought went immediately to sexts, but he pushed that away because he was starting to understand Cas’s method of operating now. The man only did sexy stuff in Dean’s presence it seemed though Dean couldn’t confirm. Based on the rest of what the note said, Dean had to assume that Cas was canceling their date. Any time someone said they needed to talk, it was bad news.

The rest of the morning was spent with Dean wondering what had happened. He hadn’t interacted at all with Cas on Tuesday so there was nothing he thought he could have done. With some anger, he realized that Cas could have heard more rumors and changed his mind. His jaw tightened and he spent the next thirty minutes trying to calm himself down because no good came out of jumping to conclusions. If that was what happened, he had to let it go, right? What he wanted hardly mattered when Cas didn’t want him. After the nice feelings of the last two days, coming back to what he considered the reality of being Dean Winchester turned out to be a long plummet. He stopped thinking of it in the hopes of stalling that crash until later in the day.

By the time lunch rolled around, Dean knew he couldn’t wait on it any longer. Best to pull the band aid off. He told Claire that she could have lunch with Kevin and that Dean would be taking his lunch now. He steeled himself, waved to Charlie on the way out of the door, and headed towards the religion building. The leaves had turned and were now falling. The colors of red, orange, and yellow were breath taking and Dean spent his walk paying attention to them as he navigated the tree lined walk to the building. He didn’t hesitate to enter the building and took the stairs two at a time until he came to the floor where Cas’s office was located. When he stepped in front of Cas’s door, it was clear that the professor wasn’t expecting him.

Cas looked up with surprise on his features. “Dean… good afternoon.”

Dean gave a thin smile as he stepped into the office and closed the door behind him. “Hi Cas.” He could hear the resignation in his voice but couldn’t really stop it. He put the note down in front of Cas. “I didn’t get your text. My phone was still broken. I’m guessing that you are canceling our date.”

Castiel looked down at the note then back up at Dean. “Yes, I am.”

“Okay.” Dean’s voice was quiet as he accepted that. It was a lost cause. He was, after all, himself. He should just go, but the fact that it hurt when he knew it shouldn’t kept him there. “Any reason why?”

Cas was quiet for a long time after that, so long that Dean decided he wasn’t going to answer and that it would be best to go. He was going to turn to leave when Cas actually did answer. “This is… hard for me, Dean. I was a priest until a few months ago. I took vows that foreswore personal relationships like the one we developed. Even before then…” He reflexively swallowed as if fighting something he didn’t want to speak about but of course, Dean didn’t know what that could be. “Before then I was raised to believe that both homosexuality and premarital intercourse were sins.” Cas’s eyes came to Dean then, practically begging him to understand.

Dean did, after a fashion. He didn’t have years and years of religious guilt, but he did have experience with someone frowning on him and his bisexual ways. Still, he didn’t know what he was supposed to do or say. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to say here, Cas.”

“I’m overwhelmed. I don’t know what to say either.” Cas admitted to him. The air between them was terse and sad.

Dean already wanted to flee, to go back to the library and bury himself in the rare books room for the next several days. Books were easy. “What do you want?”

“The church says…” Cas began.

“No.” Dean cut him off, feeling his anger rise again. “Not what the church wants. Not what you’ve been told to want. What do _you_ want, Cas?”

Cas appeared to have been brought up short by this. Dean wondered if he’d ever been asked this question before.

“It doesn’t matter, Dean. I…”

“It _does_ matter, Cas. It’s your life. No one lives it but you.” Dean shook his head, trying to calm himself down. “Do you believe that? That it’s a sin? Should I go to hell, Cas?” He wasn’t really calming down, he was only getting angrier. He glared into Cas’s eyes, internally hating how much he wanted to lose himself in the blue.

Cas’s voice was soft. “No, I don’t think that. It’s complicated, Dean.”

“Maybe. Maybe I’ll never understand what’s going through that thick skull of yours, but this should be easy. It’s your choice. You choose what to believe. That’s the point of faith, right? Nothing is certain.” Dean stood from the chair with enough force that it tilted precariously before righting itself. “Yeah, so there’s a bunch of shit you were taught as a kid and you believed it then because you were a stupid kid. At some point though, we grow up Cas. That’s the point when we choose what we really believe and tell those narrow minded assholes to go fuck themselves.” He’d started pacing the office as he talked, growing angrier by the breath until he turned to Cas and planted both of his hands on Cas’s desk. He leaned until they were eye to eye. “You don’t have to justify yourself to me. You want me gone, I’ll go. Tell me, Cas. What. Do. You. Want?””

When no answer came, Dean turned on his heel. There was never going to be an answer. He swung the door open.

“You.”

It was soft, so quiet Dean almost didn’t hear. Almost. He stopped in the doorway and turned. Cas was standing behind his desk with his hands balled into fists at his sides. “You.” Dean closed the door with a quiet click as he returned to the room. Cas was glaring at him and the heat in his eyes should have turned Dean to ash. “I want you, Dean. Heaven help me.”

Dean wasn’t sure who moved first. Maybe it happened at the same time. The only thing Dean was certain about was that their bodies met somewhere near the front of the desk. Both chairs were tumbled out of the way as their lips crashed together. Cas’s hands were hard on his body, one fisting in his hair and the other pressing insistently against his lower back. Dean couldn’t have broken away if he wanted to but that wasn’t on his mind just now. Instead he forced his way passed Cas’s lips so he could taste the heat of his mouth while he pressed himself flush with Cas’s body. Dean was already hard, his cock aching inside the confines of his khaki pants. He could tell that Cas was in a similar predicament by the bulge pressed against his thigh.

Dean’s mouth was salvation. Fully in the moment, Castiel believed this with the whole of his heart. He clutched the librarian’s body in a grip that likely would leave bruises however, in the moment, he needed that control. He needed to know that Dean was real and wouldn’t evaporate the moment he opened his hands. The heat when they touched each other wasn’t a figment of his imagination, it wasn’t a transitory emotion that came because his steps faltered off the path; it existed because it was inside of him, a part of who he was. A moan was caught in his throat as he felt Dean taste him so he pulled his fingers tighter into Dean’s hair and sealed their mouths together. He needed to taste Dean, he needed to feel his skin against Dean’s, he needed to surround himself in everything the librarian was and would ever be so badly that he ached with the unfulfilled desire. Castiel needed things that he couldn’t rightfully put a name to, he only knew that he would find them in the other man’s body. Before he knew it, he was rucking up Dean’s shirt in the back in desperation to find skin. When Dean’s answering groan was lost against his lips, he knew it was the right thing to have done.

Dean could scarcely keep up. Being with Castiel had always been confusing but when they were lost in their desire for each other? It was like being chained to a comet. Even if it burned him to a cinder, Dean would die a happy man. The heat of Castiel’s hand splayed over the small of his back drove a spike of heat that singed every nerve ending and left him raw. With hunger he tore his lips from Cas’s with the memory of what his skin had tasted like in the library last week. He needed that taste again, he wrenched himself free from Castiel’s fingers so his teeth came down on the man’s neck. He scraped the heated flesh before sealing his lips to the area and sucked. He stopped just shy of leaving a mark though it had been hard; the idea of leaving Cas with a purple bruise that everyone could see appealed to him greatly. With a wicked grin, he shifted lower, dragging his mouth down with the intention of touching and tasting everything in his path.

The weakening of his knees that accompanied the motion of that mouth nearly caused Castiel to tumble onto his desk, the only thing keeping him upright was his grip to Dean’s body. He pushed against Dean, their hips pressing together as he re-centered himself caused a white hot burst of pleasure behind Castiel’s eyes. It eclipsed all thought and left him mindlessly chasing that heat again with the motion of his body, his hips rolling against Dean as he sought to find just the right rhythm to give them both what they wanted. Dean’s murmur of approval was all he needed to hear to continue as he traced the waistband of Dean’s pants until he found the button that kept them closed. It was a hated thing, something that kept him from what he truly wanted. Cas twisted it out of the buttonhole and promptly forgot about it.

The moment Dean felt Cas open his pants a surge of heat fried the few remaining neurons he had left and rushed straight to his dick, which throbbed painfully against the zipper of his pants. The swirling desire that had suffused him coalesced into one, solid desire. He had to get his mouth on Castiel and he had to do it now. His fingers curled into Castiel’s shirt and pulled it free from his pants then opened the button as he pulled his zipper with the practiced ease of someone who knew exactly what he was doing. The moment the pants were opened, Dean reached inside and pressed his fingers against the fabric covering Cas’s cock.  He heard the sharp intake of Cas’s breath seconds before his lips came back to Dean’s with a force that was just shy of being painful. He caught his thumb in the waistband of Cas’s underwear and tugged it just far enough to free the head of his dick.

“Dean.”

The sound of his name drew his eyes immediately to Cas’s face. The man’s eyes were lust darkened and his lips red and swollen from the force of their kisses; Cas looked completely debauched. There was only want there, Dean needed to be sure but he saw no doubts, only heat and desire. He leaned in again, brushing their lips together in a whisper of a touch. “Let me taste you, Cas.”

The sound of Dean’s voice, lowered with desire sent chills of desire rushing over his skin. His mouth dried immediately as he started to realize exactly what Dean meant as the man before him dropped slowly to his knees. “Oh God…” He whispered, his head falling back when he felt the heat of Dean’s breath against the flesh exposed above his underwear. His hips thrust of their own volition, yearning towards Dean’s body and mouth as he ached for the promise behind Dean’s mouth. Fingers curled into his boxer briefs and hiked them down so that his entire cock sprang free. Cas had never been so exposed before. He felt the weight of Dean’s gaze over his leaking flesh as if it were a caress and his entire body shivered with it. Seconds later, he realized that had been nothing at all when Dean dipped his head in to drag his tongue from the base of his cock all the way up its length. “Dean!” The hoarse shout surprised him and he shoved his knuckles between his teeth to stop the sounds that seemed beyond his control.

Dean moaned as he tasted the bitter precome that rolled down Castiel’s length. His fingers wrapped around the base of his cock while he closed his lips around the head and drew it into his mouth. Castiel’s hand came to rest on the top of his head. He could feel the man’s fingers sliding through his hair which sent a pleased shiver down Dean’s spine. It felt good to taste and to touch. It felt better when Cas’s hands were on him. It wasn’t about him now, none of this was. It was about Cas now. Dean’s fingers stroked up Cas’s cock towards his mouth and when he stroked back down, his lips followed his hands taking a little more into his mouth with each stroke of his hand. Every stroke seemed to punch the breath from Cas. He writhed beneath Dean’s fingers, moans and gasps leaking from those perfectly formed lips.

Castiel’s fingers tightened in Dean’s hair as the pleasure twisted inside of him. His thighs quivered each time Dean sucked him deeper into his mouth. The only reason he remained standing at all was the amount of his weight he had pressed against the front of his desk and his grip on Dean. His entire body shook with need. He wasn’t going to last much longer. “Dean….” He tried to warn him, the words were slow on his lips as he looked down for the first time and took in the sight of those gorgeous lips wrapped around his cock. Dean looked up, his eyes hot and glittering green. The corners of his lips quirked up. It was Cas’s only warning. Dean drew the entirety of his cock into his mouth and down his relaxed throat. Then he swallowed around it. Castiel couldn’t stop the noise that burst from him, a garbled version of Dean’s name as he came down Dean’s throat. His legs gave out the rest of the way and he slid down slowly as Dean pulled back. He came to rest on top of Dean’s knees with his back pressed against his desk.

Castiel’s breath came in ragged gasps while he desperately tried to catch his breath. He focused on Dean’s pink tongue as he licked his lips. Dean seemed to glow, his eyes bright and happy. It was gorgeous and in the moment, Cas let himself drink in the sight. He raked his eyes over Dean’s body, from head to toe. His eyes paused at Dean’s waist where he had earlier opened his pants and gone no farther. When he looked up, Dean was grinning down at him and Cas had the feeling that Dean wouldn’t ask for anything in return. He seemed content with having sucked Castiel’s brain out through his dick. That couldn’t be born.

Dean was more pleased than he’d been in at least two months. When he looked at Cas, he saw the way he sprawled in Dean’s lap, loose limbed and sated. That was all he needed, maybe it would help. He leaned over and touched their foreheads together, bringing them close enough that they could share breath. The intention had been to kiss but he was stopped short when he felt fingers on the zipper of his pants.

“Cas?” Dean hadn’t expected anything, although his experience had told him that Cas had something of a short fuse when it came to this sort of thing. Instead of an answer, Cas tilted his head and brought their lips together while he pulled the zipper down. Dean’s breath stuttered against Castiel’s lips when a hand slipped into his pants, circumvented his boxers and drew his dick out. He couldn’t stop the moan when hot fingers closed around him because he was painfully hard and leaking precome already. “You don’t… Cas, I don’t need…” Every time he tried to find the words, he gasped against another stroke of that hand.

“I know.” Castiel murmured against Dean’s lips, then pressed his tongue into Dean’s mouth to effectively silence him. By the second stroke of his hand, he’d managed to slicken Dean just enough with the precome to ease his strokes. He knew he didn’t have to do this, just as he knew that Dean would never ask. That’s why he was doing it. He wanted to make Dean feel good, more, he selfishly wanted to hear his name on Dean’s lips when the man came. Dean’s mouth grew more heated against his own until Dean was able to do little more than share Castiel’s breath as he panted and gasped his desire.

“Move.” Castiel whispered against Dean’s lips and Dean felt helpless not to obey.

He thrust into Castiel’s hand while the man stroked him. The moment he started to move, Cas sped the strokes of his hand, applying just the right amount of pressure. He had no idea how the professor knew exactly what Dean liked, but when Cas’s hand twisted at the end of a stroke, Dean was sure that he did. “Like that, Cas… Fuck!” His fingers knotted into the fabric of Cas’s shirt at the shoulders as he thrust up, his rhythm becoming erratic the closer he got to the edge. His body was taut as he thrust into that hand, when Cas gripped the back of Dean’s head by the hair and tilted his head back. Their eyes met in the fraction of a second before Cas dipped forward and fixed his teeth into the side of Dean’s neck and bit down hard. Cas felt the hot splash of come on his fingers before he heard the raw gasp explode from Dean’s lips and then the librarian became boneless and slid into his body against the desk.

They laid that way, catching their breath and simply basking in warmth of each other’s heat. Outside, the hallway was silent. Dean was on the verge of dozing when he realized what he was doing and drew himself upright. Cas was still mostly sitting on him with his back and head leaning against the desk, which they’d moved towards the opposite wall with their exertions.

Castiel looked up at him sleepily. “I’ve got come on my hand.” He said with complete aplomb.

Dean practically jumped. “Fuck. I’m sorry Cas.” Dean took the offending hand and began to clean up his mess with the lower portion of his shirt, which got tucked into pants and probably wouldn’t show.

“It’s okay Dean.” Cas seemed ultimately languid as he watched Dean’s frantic motions with a bemused smile. The man stretched then slipped from Dean’s lap and began to reorder his rumpled clothing.

The office was comfortably quiet while they fixed themselves and rearranged the furniture back to its original locations. Once that was done, they were left looking at each other.

“Are you going to be okay?” Dean was already worried. Cas seemed to crash when he was alone and that worried Dean because he didn’t know why or what he could do to help.

“I…” Cas looked up at Dean as if he was thinking about that.

Dean didn’t let him finish, he grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him into his arms. “Do you still want me?”

Cas was ultimately relaxed in Dean’s arms, his body still loose. “I do.”

Dean squeezed him tight, pressed a kiss to the side of his neck, and pulled back. “I want you too.” He scribbled his new phone number on the notepad on Cas’s desk before he stepped away. “If you need me… I’ll be here in an instant. Anytime.” He squeezed Castiel’s fingers until he looked up. “Okay?”

“Thank you, Dean.” Cas answered him, taking up the note and tucking it into the pocket of his pants. They walked to the door together. When Dean started to open the door, Cas stopped him with a kiss. They lingered over one another’s lips for another few minutes.

“Friday?” Dean asked, feeling hopeful.

“Friday.” Cas confirmed with a faint smile. He kissed the tips of his fingers then pressed them to Dean’s lips before he opened the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Castiel's repressed memories from Conversion Camp.


	11. Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies, so I don't know what's real and what's not.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They walked out together, crossing the campus lawn. Dean liked the crunch of the leaves under foot. On a whim, he picked up a wide maple leaf colored a deep red and orange. He twirled it between his fingers before he offered it out to Cas with a grin.
> 
> Cas looked at it with his head tilted, staring at the leaf as if it were the strangest thing that he’d ever seen. Then he took it with a smile for Dean, it wasn’t the brilliant smile he saw on occasion but it was warm and present. The leaf got tucked into the Shakespeare sonnets as they walked. 
> 
> When they reached Cas’s car, Dean waited for him to unlock the door but then stopped him from getting in. “Will you be okay going home? I don’t mind driving you, if you need me to.” 
> 
> For a moment, he thought Cas was going to accept but finally shook his head. “I’ll be fine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title Inspiration: "Going Under" by Evanescence.

After Dean left, Castiel felt light, weightless, like he was flying.  It was an extraordinary feeling.  He had never felt so complete in his life.  He wanted to do nothing but bask in this glow for the rest of the day.  Of course, he still had classes.  He had exams scheduled in the rest of his afternoon classes, so at least he didn’t have to try to lecture while he was basically floating.  He grabbed up the exam papers, which thankfully had remained in their place on his desk during all of the furniture moving.  He was about to head out of his office, when he decided he wanted to have a reminder of Dean with him.  Castiel grabbed the book of sonnets off his shelf and headed off to class.

Professor Novak distributed the exams around the classroom and then took a seat at the desk at the head of the room to read as the students worked.  As he took in the familiar words of Shakespeare that he had read over and over again, there was suddenly new meaning behind them, as if they were charged with new energy.  Before he was even aware of what was happening, Castiel was hearing the words in his head in a new way.  They were no longer in his voice, but Dean’s.  It was as if Dean was reading to him, and every line was more beautiful than the last.

While his final class was in the midst of their exam, Dean’s voice was no longer the only one in his head.  The other one was much quieter, much more subtle, but he could still feel the words: broken, sick, wrong.  Castiel tried very hard to only focus on the words on the page in front of him, and it worked.  At least long enough to get him through the rest of the class.

Once back in his office, Castiel locked the door behind him and set to grading the exams.  He knew it would likely take him at least a couple of days to finish grading the essay heavy tests, and he was determined to have nothing left to grade by the time Friday rolled around.

As he made his way through the first of the exams, whatever was left of Castiel’s secure feeling was fading fast.  With Shakespeare’s words no longer in front of him, and Dean’s voice no longer in his head, it gave way for that other voice to grow louder and louder.  His mother’s voice mostly, but others as well.  “Broken, sick, wrong.”  Over and over again.  The tight knot of guilt in his gut was back, and getting bigger by the minute.  “Broken, sick, wrong.” He couldn’t make it stop.  His first impulse was to call Anna, so he picked up his cell phone, barely controlling his shaking hands, and pulled up her contact information.  As the phone rang, Castiel got up from behind the desk and walked around to the front of it, sinking to the floor when his sister didn’t answer.  Then he remembered Dean’s offer to “call anytime” and he pulled up the other man’s contact info.  At this point, Castiel was too far gone to remember Dean had a new number and he hadn’t gotten around to updating his phone.  When the call failed to connect, that was what finally broke Castiel.

His cell phone dropped into his lap as it slipped from his shaking hands.  Castiel practically collapsed into the fetal position, with his hands pressed over his ears as if that would block the voices in his head.  “How could any son of mine be so broken?  You’re just sick, Castiel, that’s all.  This is wrong, everything you’re doing is wrong.”   Then back on the repeating loop, “broken, sick, wrong.”  Castiel didn’t even know he had started crying.

As Dean was locking up the library for the evening, he checked his phone for what had to be the millionth time since leaving Cas.  He hadn’t heard a peep from him, and at first he thought that was a good thing, but now he wasn’t so sure.  First, he fired off a text message to the other man.

_Me:  Hey, you still doing OK?_

By the time he had walked out to his Impala, he hadn’t gotten a reply back.  Now THAT was weird.  Even when Cas had been trying to push him away, he always replied to Dean, even if it was to say something hurtful.  Looking around the mostly empty parking lot, Dean’s eyes finally landed on Castiel’s Lincoln.  It wasn’t that strange that he might be working late, but something didn’t feel right to Dean.  He hit the call button on his cell phone and waited.  It rang and rang and rang before going to voice mail.  He tried again.  After the third unanswered call, Dean was really starting to worry.  He left his Baby in the lot and headed back to the Religion building.

When he made it to Castiel’s office, he could see the light was still on.  He knocked on the door, practically pounding it down, to no avail.  Dean turned the knob only to find it locked.  He knocked again, this time calling out, “Hey, Cas, it’s me.  Let me in!”  When there was still no response, Dean muttered, “Fuck this shit,” before he picked the lock and opened the door.

What Dean saw when he walked in took him several minutes to process.  Cas was curled in a ball on the floor in front of his desk, with his hands over his ears, and he was crying.  Dean went to him and crouched beside him, placing his hands gently on the other man’s shoulders.  “Hey, Cas, it’s Dean.  Are you OK, buddy?”

Castiel flinched away from Dean’s touch, practically rolling into the hard barrier of the desk in the process.  Dean backed away in response.  This was definitely not normal.  Cas never shied away from his touch.  He had no idea how to calm Castiel down and bring him back to himself.

At a total loss of what to do, Dean called the one person who might be able to help.  When Claire answered his call with a questioning “hello,” Dean wasted no time outlining the situation.  “There’s something wrong with Cas.  He’s on the floor in his office and it’s like he doesn’t even know I’m here.”

“Oh shit.  My mom told me to be on the lookout for something like this,” Claire replied.  “She says it’s some form of PTSD.”

“Is your mom some kind of shrink or something?”

“Yes, Dean, that’s exactly what she is,” Claire said matter-of-factly.

“Did she say what caused it or how to fix it?”

“She wouldn’t tell me what caused it.  But to bring him out of it, she said the best thing to do is to calmly talk to him, and do NOT try to touch him.”

“Well, that would have been good to know five minutes ago!” Dean shouted into the phone.  Then, quietly, he added, “Why didn’t Cas tell me?”

“You touched him?  What happened?” It was unclear if Claire was ignoring his second statement or just didn’t hear him.

“He flinched away.  It was like he didn’t know who I was.”

Claire sighed heavily into the phone.  “I’m going to have my mom call you; she can talk you through it better than I can.”

“It would be better if she could just come here herself.”

“Yeah, well, she IS in California, so that’s not really possible.”

“Good point.”

“OK, I’m going to call her now.  If she doesn’t call you in a few minutes, call me back,” Claire said in a rush.  “And Dean?  Thanks for taking care of him.”  With that, the call disconnected.

Dean paced around the room, staring at his phone, willing it to ring.  He was about to give up and call Claire back when a California number rang through.  He answered with a gruff “Hello?”

“Dean Winchester?” A calm female voice said from the other end.

“Yeah.”

“This is Anna Milton, Castiel’s sister.  Claire told me there is a bit of a situation with my brother?”

“Situation is putting it mildly.  How do I fix this?”

“First, Dean, you need to calm down.  You’re no good to Castiel if you’re freaking out.  I need you to breathe.  In through your nose, out through your mouth.”

There was silence over the line for several beats.

“Dean, you’re not breathing.  I really need you to breathe so we can get Castiel through this.”

“Fine,” he answered tightly and tried breathing.  Surprisingly, he did feel a tiny bit calmer.

“Ok, now I need you tell me what happened today.  I don’t need the sordid details of my brother’s sex life; I just need a general rundown.”

Dean gave her a brief rundown of what happened.  That Cas had been planning to end it with him, but in the end they decided to give it a go and “celebrated” with mutual satisfaction.  Then, Dean ventured to ask, trying not to stumble over his words and failing, “So, this, um, PTSD thing with Cas, it’s triggered by, um, intimacy?  Was he assaulted or something?”

Anna sighed on the other end.  “Something like that.  That’s really Castiel’s story to tell.  He should have told you.”

“I guess he’ll tell me when he’s ready.”  Dean was trying not to be upset by the fact that Cas kept something so potentially harmful to himself.  “What do I do now?”

“The way I always brought him around was by reading to him in a calm, soothing voice.  Usually from the classics.  _The Great Gatsby_ is his favorite.”

“We’re in his office.  The only thing I see around here is religion text books.”

“Oh for the love of God, don’t read to him from those.  Look around there has to be something.”

Dean turned to look, his eyes landing on the book still sitting on Castiel’s desk.  “How about Shakespeare’s sonnets?”

“The book you gave him?”

“You know about that?  Yeah.”  Despite the situation, Dean couldn’t keep the smile from his face knowing that Cas told his sister about the gift.

“I think that would be the perfect choice.  Just remember, use a calm voice.  And don’t touch him.  He’ll let you know when he’s ready for physical contact.  And if it doesn’t work, please call me back.”  Anna was glad that she had already planned a trip to visit Claire the following week.  If Castiel was starting a new relationship, she wanted to be there to help him.

“Thanks, Anna.”  With that, the call was disconnected.

Dean grabbed the book off of Castiel’s desk, and sat across from him on the floor.  He found the page Cas had marked where he left off reading and started there, using the most soothing voice he could.

_When in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes_

_I all alone beweep my outcast state,_

_And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,_

_And look upon myself, and curse my fate,_

_Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,_

_Featured like him, like him with friends possessed,_

_Desiring this man's art, and that man's scope,_

_With what I most enjoy contented least;_

_Yet in these thoughts my self almost despising,_

_Haply I think on thee, and then my state,_

_Like to the lark at break of day arising_

_From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate;_

_For thy sweet love remembered such wealth brings_

_That then I scorn to change my state with kings._

As Dean continued to read, he could see Castiel visibly starting to relax.  Once he got through four or five more sonnets, Castiel finally turned and looked at him.  “Dean?” he asked, his voice rougher than usual.  He blinked his eyes repeatedly as if he couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

“Yeah, Cas, it’s me.  How you doing?”

“Better now, I think.”  Castiel sat up and leaned against the desk.  “Why are you here?  You didn’t answer when I called.”  There was no accusation in his voice.  He just sounded tired.

“Did you call the new number I gave you?”

Cas looked down into his lap where his cell phone was cradled. “I… forgot about it.” He looked ashamed of himself. Dean could imagine he would feel the same way if he’d been found the way that Cas had, even though he was glad that he was the one who found him.

“That’s okay, Cas. It happens.” Dean reached out slowly for Cas’s phone and when the other man let him have it, he quickly put his new phone number in it. “There, you’ve got it now.”

“Look, Dean…” Cas began, though he looked hesitant to go on.

“It’s okay.” He said again, scooted across the floor to sit next to the man with his back against the desk as well. He made no move to touch Cas. “If you don’t want to tell me now, then you don’t have to.” He looked at his hand and thought of his panic as well as what Anna told him. “I’d like you to tell me.” He met Cas’s eyes this time, tried to read what was in them but all he really saw was something akin to fear and maybe deep seeded self-hatred. (The self-hatred was something Dean had seen in his own eyes when he looked in the mirror.) “I can’t help you if I don’t know how.”

“It’s… complicated, Dean.” Cas looked away, clearly still unwilling to share.

If their situations were reversed Dean wasn’t sure how willing he would be either. “Are you good? For now?” He had a feeling that this wasn’t a problem that was going away.

“For now.” Castiel agreed so Dean got up and offered him a hand to pull him off the floor too.

Dean was glad when Cas took it. Once they were standing eye to eye, there was a moment when they simply gazed at each other. It felt a little like it had before; the draw was still there, but now there was wariness too. They’d just have to deal with it. “Let’s get you home.”

“Yes, that would be advisable.” Cas said, and slowly he went around the desk and began to pack up his things, starting with a stack of papers to grade.

Dean reached out to stop him, his finger gently lying over his wrist. “Not tonight, Cas. You need to take care of yourself.”

Cas stared at him until it almost became uncomfortable before he nodded. “Maybe you are right.”

Dean took the leather bound book of sonnets and tucked it into Cas’s bag instead. “Glad you are finding some use for this.” He watched for the next few minutes until he looked ready to go. “I’ll walk you out. “

They walked out together, crossing the campus lawn. Dean liked the crunch of the leaves under foot. On a whim, he picked up a wide maple leaf colored a deep red and orange. He twirled it between his fingers before he offered it out to Cas with a grin.

Cas looked at it with his head tilted, staring at the leaf as if it were the strangest thing that he’d ever seen. Then he took it with a smile for Dean, it wasn’t the brilliant smile he saw on occasion but it was warm and present. The leaf got tucked into the Shakespeare sonnets as they walked.

When they reached Cas’s car, Dean waited for him to unlock the door but then stopped him from getting in. “Will you be okay going home? I don’t mind driving you, if you need me to.”

For a moment, he thought Cas was going to accept but finally shook his head. “I’ll be fine.”

Dean stepped back so the other man could get in the car. “Will you text me when you get home?”

Cas nodded. “I will Dean.”

“And Cas? Call your sister.” Dean stepped back to the sidewalk, waited for Cas to acknowledge his request and then drive away.

***

Dean and Charlie had actually gone to fetch breakfast the next morning (which was usually Garth’s job).  Dean wanted alone time with Charlie.  So Garth was alone in the library when Charlie’s Angels arrived. (Since when had HE started calling them that?)  Unfortunately, they were anything BUT angels when they arrived.  Claire and Regina were screaming at each other, while poor Kevin just looked completely beat up.

“You each have your own FUCKING room!  There is no REASON for you to be FUCKING on MY FUCKING COUCH!” Regina was shouting up at her much taller friend.

“We pay rent there, too!  It’s our place too!  AND you weren’t even supposed to be HOME!” Claire counters.

“That is SO not the point!”

“I think that’s EXACTLY the point!  You still think of it as YOUR place!”

“Well, it IS my sofa!”

“Just because YOU’RE not getting any, don’t take it out on US!”

Kevin caught Garth’s eye over the heads of girls and mouthed “It’s that time of the month” and rolled his eyes.

This was definitely not a fight to be having in public, let alone a library of all places.  Garth had been entrusted with opening the library and handing out assignments to the students.  It was the first time Dean had ever left him in charge, and he was not going to let Dean return to a group of screaming and shouting grad students.  So, Garth did the only thing he could think of.  This was a job for Mr. Fizzles!

Garth pulled the sock puppet from where he constantly had it in his pocket and put it on.  Mr. Fizzles looked at each of the girls in turn and said, “What’s the problem?  Mr. Fizzles is here to help.”

Claire glared from the sock puppet up to the man holding it.  "You know what, Garth, take your stupid sock puppet and shove it up your..."

Mr. Fizzles just dropped his mouth in shock.  Claire seriously considered chewing the sock puppet’s stupid eyes off.  That is until she thought she could work the situation in her favor.  She turned a sickly sweet smile on Mr. Fizzles.

“The problem is, Mr. Fizzles,” Claire started in the most saccharine sweet voice she had.  “Is that Regina has never stopped thinking of our apartment as just ‘her’ apartment, even though Kevin and I pay rent.”

Regina started to speak up when Mr. Fizzles turned a dark glare (well, as dark of a glare as a sock puppet could manage anyway) to her and said, “You’ll get your turn young lady, be patient.”

Mr. Fizzles returned his gaze to Claire and said, “Mr. Fizzles knows when you’re being a liiiiaaaarrr!”

Regina let out a satisfied chuckle while Claire just looked shocked.  “But I’m not lying!” The blonde exclaimed.

“Now, I’m sure there is much more to the story than just that,” Mr. Fizzles said calmly.  He finally turned to Regina.  “What do you have to say, young lady?”

“Claire and Kevin are constantly doing….stuff….in the common areas of the apartment when they each have their own PRIVATE rooms. It’s disgusting!” She crossed her arms across her chest definitively.

“Hmmm…” Mr. Fizzles hummed as he looked over each girl and contemplated their arguments.

“Here’s what we’re going to do,” the sock puppet finally spoke.  “Claire, you and Kevin are going to keep your ‘activities’ limited to your personal space.” Regina, like the mature young adult she was, stuck her tongue out at Claire before Mr. Fizzles turned on her.  “As for you, Regina, since Claire and Kevin pay equally for the expenses, you will treat them as equals in the home you all share.”  This time Claire stuck her tongue out.  “Have I made myself clear?” Mr. Fizzles asked, leveling them with his sock puppet glare again.

“Yes, Mr. Fizzles,” Claire and Regina said contritely.

“Good.  Now, Garth is going to give you your assignments and you are going to do your jobs without further incident, right?”  Again, he gave them _the glare_.

“Yes, Mr. Fizzles,” they said again.

“Good.” Mr. Fizzles nodded his approval.

Having diffused the situation, it was time for Mr. Fizzles to return to his resting state, so Garth returned him to his pocket.  “So, you girls feeling better now and ready to get to work?” Garth asked them.

“Yes, Garth,” They said in unison, before sandwiching him in a friendly hug.

***

The moment Charlie walked through the door, Dean was waiting for her. He’d come in early to make sure he would beat both her and Garth to work so he could head her off at the pass. He imagined she was on the same page, after all, she’d refrained from mentioning his rumpled appearance when he came back from lunch the previous day. The only thing she’d done was sit him down at her desk and dab foundation to the bite mark on his neck so he could preserve his dignity. He’d kissed her forehead with the full knowledge that she was going to demand a full telling as soon as possible.

They’d dropped their things at their desks and told Garth to hold down the fort while they took care of breakfast this morning. Garth usually brought bagels but Dean was feeling a little more magnanimous today. Besides, yesterday had been weird, what with Cas’s freak out and the oral sex. He was trying to roll with the punches but he still felt like he was fighting blind. Heart to hearts weren’t his style typically, but he’d been having them a lot lately and today wasn’t going to be any better. At least it was with Charlie. He didn’t really have to save face with her.

The minute she was in the Impala, she turned towards him, impatiently waiting for him to climb in. She barely waited for him to start the car and put it into gear. “Spill.”

Dean sighed. “Well, I don’t know if I did the right thing yesterday.”

“What do you mean?”

“So, I got a note from Cas that said he wanted to talk. Apparently he sent a text to my old phone which I didn’t get. I gathered that it was canceling our date. So I went over to talk on my lunch break, that much you know.”

“Yeah, and you two got busy.” Charlie waggled her eyebrows at him with a grin, which drew a grin from Dean.

Dean took a deep breath and told her the rest. About their confrontation, about what happened in the office after that (though he kept it vague because he knew she didn’t want to know) and then how they had agreed to go on a date Friday. He paused before talking about the freak out, but he did in the end. He knew Charlie wouldn’t tell and thought that maybe she could help him figure out what he could do to help Cas. When it was all done, he looked at her with questioning eyes, fearful that he’d done the wrong thing.

“I don’t know, Dean.” Charlie said, still looking thoughtful as she ran it all over again in her brilliant mind. He pulled into their favorite local breakfast eatery and they got out. “You think that maybe you are making his freak outs worse.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of, Charlie.” That fear twisted in his gut.

“Maybe that’s part of that, Dean but the other side is that you were able to bring him back last night too.” Charlie, as always, didn’t miss a beat. “That’s something we can work with Dean. Though, I think you guys need to slow it down with the physical stuff.”

Dean gave her an exasperated expression. “I’ve been trying to do that. I just… lose my head when he touches me. I think he does too.”

Charlie shook her head and pushed his shoulder. “You’ve got to be the stronger man here, Dean. You’re Captain America. No Hulking out.”

“Right.” That was easier said than done.

***

Dean was shocked when he and Charlie returned to a very quiet and functional library.  The grad students were all hard at work on their assigned tasks.  Dean had been convinced that the students would eat Garth alive.  He turned to look at Garth, who was sitting behind the circulation desk.  “Nice job man.  You’ll have to share your secret.”

“No secret, man.  It was all Mr. Fizzles,” Garth said proudly.

***

The rest of the day was relatively uneventful.  Dean did exchange several flirty text messages with Cas throughout the day.  And he was totally not smiling ridiculously at his phone when Charlie walked into their office.

“Geez, Dean.  Get a grip, you’re starting to look like a love sick puppy!”

“I am not.  You look like a love sick puppy,” Dean retorted.

***

Later that evening, Dean is cooking dinner (because of course he is) and Sam wants everything to be perfect, so he thinks he's "helping" but he's really being a nuisance and Dean is about to stab him with a kitchen implement when the doorbell rings.

“I’ll get it!” Sam exclaims and bounds out of the kitchen, much to Dean’s relief.

Sam opens the door to find his under 5 foot and less than 100lb girlfriend carrying two very large 24 packs of her favorite Korean beer.  “Aw, Sweetness, you could have called me and I would have come to help,” he said upon seeing her predicament.  Sam easily grabbed both cases of beer and carried them into the kitchen.

“What the Hell?” Dean asked.  He wasn’t complaining about all the alcohol, but he was surprised.

“Well, you wanted to learn more about Catholics, right?” Regina began.  “Catholics deal with their issues in three ways: Prayer, Absolution, and Alcohol.”

“Hey, Dean, you’re already a third of the way to being Catholic!” Sam said, thinking he was funny.  He was NOT.

Since the beer was already cold, Sam pulled out a can for each of them and loaded the rest into the fridge.  It wasn’t until Dean had the beer in his hand that he noticed the brand.  “Cass?” he asked.  “Is this some kind of joke?”

Sam rolled his eyes and leveled Dean with a nuclear bitch face.  “No, genius.  It’s Korean beer.”

“What?” When Dean looked over at his brother, he knew he was serious.  He had his “serious” face on.  “Oh,” he said with a shrug and opened the beer.  It definitely did NOT smell like beer.  When Dean made a face, Sam physically steered him away from where Regina could see them.

“Dean, I swear to God, if you don’t behave yourself tonight, I’ll…I’ll….I’ll tell Regina about that one time you got high and made out with the TV screen during a Dr. Sexy marathon!” Sam threatened.

“Hey!  I am not ashamed.  That man is HOT!” Dean protested, although that was probably his most embarrassing memory.  Liking a chick show is one thing; making out with the TV screen is something else entirely.  And from the look on Sam’s face, Dean knew that Sam knew that.  “Fine. I’ll drink the smelly beer.”

Once they sat down to dinner, Regina looked at Dean and asked frankly, “So, this sudden interest in my religion…does this have anything to do with your big date with Professor Novak tomorrow night?”

Dean very nearly choked on his dinner.  “You know about that?”

“Claire knows, what she knows, I know,” she said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Dean really hoped that wasn’t totally true.  He kinda couldn’t stand the idea of too many people knowing about Castiel’s “episodes.”

Regina looked across the table at Dean, her expression open and inviting.  “Go ahead, Dean, ask me whatever you want.  I’m not ashamed of my faith.”

“Right” Dean says, though when he looks at Regina, he opens his mouth but nothing comes out. How is he supposed to know what’s an offensive question? Because if he comes across as rude, Sammy will share that tidbit and Regina just admitted that it was as good as in Cas’s ears through Claire. He structured his thoughts carefully, or as carefully as he is able. “So, I don’t really understand confession. We didn’t do church as kids. What does it do? Why do it

 “I feel like it’s a very personal thing.  We’re taught we should come to God with a pure heart, and since Christ shed his blood to cleanse us from sin, it’s up to us to honor that promise by seeking absolution.  In my opinion, if you’re not willing to talk about it to seek absolution, then you probably shouldn’t be doing it.”  Regina explained.  “I know it can be overwhelming for some people and make them feel vulnerable, but I always feel like a weight has been lifted.”

“That makes certain… things make sense” Dean awkwardly glances between the two of them but doesn’t actually ask the question because he’s trying to be on his best behavior. Sam picks up on it anyway. 

“God, Dean!” Sam exclaimed, appalled.  “Not all of us feel the need to copulate like bunnies!”

Regina took Sam’s hand and just smiled sweetly.  “It was a mutual agreement.  We each have our reasons for wanting to go slowly.”

“Oh.”  Well, that made sense to Dean.  When Sam’s first girlfriend died in a car accident, it took a while for Sam to recover, and Regina was the first girl he had dated seriously since then.

The conversation ebbed and flowed over various subjects over the course of the meal.  Dean was impressed how his brother’s tiny girlfriend matched him beer for beer.  Poor Sam couldn’t keep up and had retreated to the living room to lie down while Regina and Dean continued to drink and chat.

“Oh, Dean,” Regina said as they were cleaning up after dinner.  “Since tomorrow is Friday, make sure you take Professor Novak somewhere that serves something besides red meat.  I know what kind of food you like, and well, Catholics don’t eat meat on Fridays.  Fish is OK, depending on how strict a person is, but that’s it.”

Well, that was information Dean was glad to have.  “Uh, thanks,” was all he could reply.

“Oh dear, look at the time!” Regina suddenly exclaimed.  “I should get going.  I have to be at work early in the morning and if I’m too tired to be properly productive, my boss can be kind of a dick,” she said with a giggle.

“Shut up.” Dean replied and then added, “You had a lot to drink, are you OK to drive home?  Because I could take you…or we could wake the Moose up to drive you.”

Regina laughed.  “I think he’s in worse shape than either of us.  As you can see, I’m fine.  I took it easy, since it’s a week night.”

OK, Dean was duly impressed with that.  He had respect for anyone who could handle their alcohol and knew their limits.

“Alright, well, at least let us know you made it home safe.  I’ll get Sam up to walk you out,” Dean added that last bit with a little wink.

“Aw, but he looks so adorable all passed out like that,” Regina giggled.  “I’ll see you at the library tomorrow.” 

As Regina made her way out of the duplex, Dean very inelegantly dumped a glass of water on Sam’s shaggy head.  “Dude, your girlfriend is leaving.  Go tell her goodbye, dumbass.”

Sam had started to give Dean a bitch face, until his words registered.  Then he practically leapt off of the couch and ran out the door to catch Regina at her car.

“Were you just going to leave without saying goodbye?” Sam asked when he caught up with her.

“Well, you DID look very peaceful and cute,” Regina explained.

Sam laughed and lifted Regina off of the ground enough to give her a solid kiss on her lips before setting her down and opening her car door for her.  “Text me when you get home.  See you tomorrow!” he said, a love sick grin on his face.

***

That kiss was enough to rile up the person hiding in the bushes snapping pictures.  Becky immediately sent the most incriminating shots (the ones of Regina entering and exiting the duplex) to Kali.  She scrunched her face up and stomped her foot, because this was just. Not. Fair!

***

“Gabriel!  Gabriel!” Kali cried distressed from her office.  “Come here!”

“What is it, honey bunch?” Gabriel asked, placing a soothing hand on her shoulder.

“Look at this!” She said, pointing at her computer screen, showing the latest pictures she received.  “That’s a student from the grad program going in and out of Dean Winchester’s place.”

Gabriel chuckled softly.  “Actually, that’s Sam Winchester’s girlfriend going in and out of his place.”

Kali just turned an unbelieving face up to him and blinked.  “What?”

“Let me show you,” Gabriel said, smiling.  He pulled up Sam’s Facebook profile on his phone and showed his wife the selfie of Regina kissing Sam’s cheek that was still his profile picture.

“Of course you’re friends with Sam Winchester on Facebook,” Kali said with a smile and slight eye roll.  Then, more seriously, added, “Well, Sam isn’t anywhere in these pictures.”

“Now, you know I have reason to dislike like the douche bag almost as much as you do, but I’m certain that there is nothing here.”

Kali thought about it and nodded.  “Yes, you’re probably right.”  Well, her husband was right.  The other reputation Dean Winchester had was for how fiercely protective he was of his brother.  Even Dean Winchester would be loath to hit on his brother’s girl.

“Come, let’s go to bed,” Gabriel suggested.

When they did, Kali clung to Gabriel much more than was normal for her. While Gabe may not have totally agreed with Kali’s methods, he understood where she was coming from.  Dean’s unwanted advances had scared Kali, made her feel vulnerable.  There was no worse feeling for a strong woman.  So, Kali was doing what she felt like she had to in order to regain control of the situation as well as her peace of mind.  Gabriel sighed.  He was starting to have worries of his own.  He remembered how persistent Dean had been with Kali, and now he was interested in Castiel.  Poor, sheltered Castiel who had never even been on a date in his life.  He was sincerely worried about his friend.  Gabriel did not sleep well that night.

***

The next morning, Dean received another email. This one contained pictures of himself handing Cas the maple leaf after the episode in his office. They would have been lovely had they been sent under any other circumstances; the smile on Cas’s face was hidden behind the leaf but it showed in his eyes, which were on Dean.

_We all know what you are playing at here, Winchester._

Why the hell was someone trying to spoil the happiness he’d found. There was so much stress on their relationship already. Dean wanted to shelter it before it shattered under the weight. He had to find out who was doing this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you guys who have been following us may have noticed, we now have a definitive number of chapters! Woo hoo! And yes, that means we've finished! We're still working through editing, etc, and will keep to our normal posting schedule...but perhaps if we get up to 100 kudos, we might be convinced to do a bonus posting...but maybe not...you'll just have to get your friends to read and leave kudos to find out.


	12. Friday I'm In Love.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean finally saw Cas. He wondered briefly if the man was trying to kill him with those pants. His ass looked awesome. On second thought, when did Cas get sex hair. That was awesome too. All of it was awesome. 
> 
> “Hi, Cas. You look great.” He still felt awkward but there was a certain amount of being near Cas that put him at ease.
> 
> “Thank you Dean. You look nice too.” Cas smiled at him, which transformed his face and made him all the more attractive to Dean. He was completely done for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title Reference: "Friday I'm In Love" by The Cure.
> 
> Hi guys! Andy here! Look, a bonus posting! This is a celebration of having over 100 Kudos (you guys ROCK!) And us finishing this epic! (We rock too, BTWs.)
> 
> Just what we've all been waiting for...it's Date Night! (Part 1.) Guess what? No angst! OMG! Will you be able to handle it? Enjoy!

Castiel had spent far too long last night trying to decide what to wear for his date with Dean.  In the end, he chose these red plaid pants that Gabriel had encouraged him to buy because the salesman said that they made his butt look “magnificent.”  Later, Gabriel had told him the young man had been flirting with him, but of course Cas had been clueless.  He paired that with a black dress shirt, red suspenders, and that red bow tie that held fond memories of Dean untying it with his teeth.

Of course, said outfit was completely inappropriate to wear to class, so he had it hanging in a garment bag on the back of his office door, and intended to change in his office later.  That is, until Claire had seen it and INSISTED he come to her place and let her help him get ready.  She said she was determined to “tame” his perpetual bed head.

When Castiel had texted Dean to ask him if they could meet up at Claire’s apartment, Dean was agreeable, since it turned out Sam had plans with Regina and Dean had to drive him over there anyway.  So now, Castiel was waiting in his office for Claire to meet him so he could take her home and get ready for his date.  His first date, ever.  Castiel had never been more nervous in his entire life.

On the way to Claire’s place, Castiel noticed a charming little flower vendor, and had to stop.    

“Oh God, you’re not buying Dean _flowers_ are you, Uncle Cassie?” Claire groaned from the passenger seat.

“I believe flowers are appropriate for a first date, Claire.”

“I don’t think Dean is a receiving flowers kind of guy,” she continued to protest as she got out of the car behind him.

Before Claire could protest further, Castiel actually veered away from the flower vendor.  He had spotted a used book store behind the flower cart.  Cas smiled.  He wanted to get Dean a little token to show how much he appreciated the other man’s patience.  As soon as he walked in, he spotted it.  A leather bound edition of his favorite book, _The Great Gatsby_.  He knew there was a possibility Dean already had a copy of the book, but he hoped not.  He made his purchase and headed back to the car, stopping at the flower cart to buy a single red rose.  Because Castiel likes what he likes, and right now, he’d like to give Dean a red rose.

Once they arrived at the apartment, Claire directed Castiel to her room to change.  She had a full length mirror on her closet door, and for several minutes he just stood there studying his reflection.  He had been unsure about the slacks when he bought them, but after further contemplation, Castiel decided that yes, these pants did indeed do wonders for his rear.

When he came out of her room, Claire looked him over from head to toe.  “Oh my God!  Plaid pants and suspenders Uncle Cassie?  Are you a hipster?”

Castiel squinted his eyes behind his thick rimmed glasses, and tilted his head.  “I don’t understand that reference.”

Before Claire could even hope to explain, Kevin piped in, “Damn, those pants DO make your ass look fantastic, though!”

“Ew, Kevin!” Claire exclaimed.  “Now I need brain bleach!”

“What?  You’re disgusted that I was checking out another dude’s ass?” Kevin asked innocently.

“No!  I’m disgusted that you were checking out _my uncle’s_ ass!”

It’s at that moment Regina decides to come out of her room, supposedly to shush them so she can study, but she takes one look at Castiel and runs back out of the room yelling, “My eyes! My eyes!”

Castiel turned a confused look to Claire.  “Do I really look that bad?”

Claire chuckled.  “No, Uncle Cassie, you actually look pretty good.  It’s just…you’re wearing that bow tie.  The same one you were wearing when you and Dean scarred the girl for life.  Now sit down so I can do something with this hair.”

Claire didn’t so much “tame” Castiel’s hair as she took gel and stylized his disheveled “bed head” into something much more akin to “sex hair.”  He didn’t even have a chance to check out his new ‘do in a mirror before there was a knock on the door.  Kevin answered it only to find a Sam without a Dean.

“Hey, Sam,” Kevin greeted.  “’Gina is in her room hiding from his bow tie,” Kevin hooked his thumb in the general direction of Castiel as he let Sam in.

Dean had to park the car before he could come up because the minute they pulled into the parking lot, Sam had been shooting him puppy eyes. Dean assumed this meant the Moose wanted to get out in front of the building, so he stopped to let him out first. Dean had tried his damnedest to look good for the evening and was wearing a pair of slate gray slacks with a dark green dress shirt that brought out his eyes; tucked neatly into his pants. Two buttons were open at the neck. He knocked on the door and wondered why Sam hadn’t told them he was coming. When Kevin answered the door, he started to feel nervous. _Great, just great._ He tried to squash that feeling.

“I understand that Cas is here.” The whole situation was making him feel like he was sixteen all over again.

Kevin grinned widely and stepped out of the way of the door. “Yup.”

With Kevin out of the way, Dean finally saw Cas. He wondered briefly if the man was trying to kill him with those pants. His ass looked _awesome._ On second thought, when did Cas get sex hair. That was awesome too. All of it was awesome.

“Hi, Cas. You look great.” He still felt awkward but there was a certain amount of being near Cas that put him at ease.

“Thank you Dean. You look nice too.” Cas smiled at him, which transformed his face and made him all the more attractive to Dean. He was completely done for.

“Are you ready to go?” Dean was ready to take things out of the view of his grad students, two of whom were looking on with almost identical amused grins. He was going to be teased Monday, he just knew it.

“Oh, one moment...” Cas turned to search for the gifts for Dean. Claire shoved them in his hands and he gave her a grateful smile before stepping towards the door which Dean was now holding open for him. “These are for you.”

Dean had honestly never been given a flower before. It wasn’t very manly, but he found that being handed the red rose made him feel kinda good. “Thanks, Cas.” He took the rose and book, then stepped out from the door and firmly shut it behind him. “You really didn’t need to…”

Cas tilted his head to the side with a concerned expression on his face. “It’s appropriate to give gifts on a date, isn’t it?”

“Yes, of course.” Dean said quickly, because it wasn’t his intention to make Cas feel odd about it. He turned the book over in his hands and read the title of it. _The Great Gatsby_. He found it appropriate and touching; after all, he knew that this was the best way to help him calm down when he was upset. “Thanks Cas… this is… I really like it.”

Cas gave Dean a shy smile. “I am glad you like it. I was worried you might have that one.”

“No man, I don’t. This is great! I collect leather bound classics, you know.” Dean wasn’t sure if he’d showed Cas his personal book collection. “Thank you.” Now he wished that he hadn’t come empty handed, but he promised himself that he would make up for it. “Um… can I?” He reached towards Cas’s hand, his fingers brushing the back of it.

“Oh… yes. Please.” Cas’s cheeks pinked as he smiled.

Dean slipped his fingers into Cas’s hand as he looked down and sideways, trying to make sure Cas was okay with it. He knew he had to be careful and he was trying. They held hands as they crossed the parking lot. Dean walked Cas to the passenger side of Baby so he could open the door for him. It was completely worth it for the way that Cas was smiling. He hurried to the other side of Baby and hopped in. They made small talk as they drove, crossing town to the area on the waterfront. It had the nicest restaurants and he’d decided on one of his favorite places that didn’t serve burgers. When they parked, Dean hurried to open the door for Cas once more.

“We’ll have to walk a bit from here.” Dean led Cas towards the sidewalk that followed the shore of the lake, holding hands as they went. “Have you ever been down here before?”

“I haven’t.” Cas said, looking all around at the shops and restaurants that lined the walk.

“We can explore a little after dinner, if you’d like.”  Cas nodded and they walked on until they came to an Italian restaurant that was fairly upscale.

Dean opened the door once again and then followed Cas to the hostess stand, where he gave his name for the reservation and they were led upstairs to a patio section on the second floor. Their table was against the railing and had an excellent view of the water. He pulled out the chair for Cas because he was on a roll with his date etiquette and was hoping to hell that Cas was impressed. It was taking a lot of concentration to be so formal.

When Dean sat, he could see that Cas looked like he was enjoying himself. “This is wonderful, Dean.”

Relief washed over him. “I thought maybe this would be a good place so both of us can find something to eat. I know that you might not eat meat on Friday, right?”

“Yes, that’s correct Dean. I don’t. I see many things that I could try though.” Once again, Cas’s smile felt like a victory to Dean. It was the sort of smile that went into his eyes and made them sparkle a brilliant blue. It was breathtaking.

“Good.” He turned to his menu trying to hide his flushed cheeks under the guise of finding something to eat. When the waiter came, Dean let Cas choose the wine while he chose the appetizer. Once they had ordered their food, they talked. The conversation flowed easily between them. They started talking about their favorite books and compared notes on what they both liked. Dean regaled Cas with funny stories from that week in the library. Cas shared some of the ridiculous things his students had written in their essays this week. The conversation didn’t wane after the food came; Dean had lasagna and Cas eggplant parmesan. Cas insisted that Dean try his food and fed it to him off of his fork. They shared a piece of tiramisu for dessert. Dean snatched up the check when it came and made sure Cas didn’t see it.

Once dinner was done, Dean took Cas by the hand again and they walked along the waterfront. The sun was setting so the sky was lit up with shades of orange, red, and purple. The water shimmered orange on the horizon. The air was crisp but not yet cold though Dean suspected they might have to head back to Baby soon. However, they were a short distance from the pier so he took Cas there first.  They leaned on the railing and watched the sun sink down to the horizon while a light breeze ruffled their hair. Dean traced the back of Cas’s hand with his fingers as they watched a sailboat glide towards a dock in the distance.

“I’ve always wanted to do that.” Cas said to him, nodding towards the boat.

“I’ve never been on a sailboat myself.” Dean turned so his back was against the railing so he could watch the expressions on Cas’s face. “Are you enjoying yourself?” He wanted to check in just to make sure. It wasn’t that he was trying to handle Cas delicately exactly, more that he wanted to be sure they were on the same page with things. Moreover, he knew it was Cas’s first date and he wanted it to be memorable.

“I am. This has been lovely so far.”

“Good.” Dean leaned in to Cas, slowly entering his personal space. “May I kiss you?”

Cas closed the small distance between them to touch their lips together. Dean leaned into the kiss, his fingers skimming over the curve of Cas’s cheek. He deliberately left the kiss light. He remembered Charlie’s words and was attempting to be Captain America. Still, he lingered over the kiss, savoring the feel of those lips against his own. When he drew back, his thumb traced over Cas’s lips before he reached for his hand. “Are you ready for the next part?”

Cas’s cheeks were pink as he licked his lips. “Yes, Dean. What else do you have planned?”

Dean started them walking back towards the parking lot. “Well, I thought I’d let you choose. We can go to the movie theatre and see a movie there or, if you’d like, we can go watch _The Empire Strikes Back_ at my place.”

Dean wasn’t sure what he was hoping for, although he accepted that going back to his place was more risky all things considered. He wanted the date to be special, not send Cas into another episode.

Cas was quiet until they reached the parking lot. “I think I’d like to see the next Star Wars movie, please?”

“You got it.” Dean grabbed his cell phone and shot off a quick text to Sam before he opened the car door for Cas.

_Me: Can you make yourself scarce tonight?_

_Bitch: Why?_

_Me: Just do it, please Sammy?_

_Bitch: Fine. I’ll crash here tonight._

_Me: I owe you one._

***

Sam wasn’t as put out by Dean’s text as he let his brother think.  He and Kevin had a pretty epic game of Mario Kart going, while the girls were trying not to set fire to cupcakes in the kitchen.  “Can I crash here tonight?” Sam asked as Kevin ran his car off the road.

“Dean thinks he’s gonna get lucky, huh?” Kevin chuckled before calling out towards the girls, “Claire, I’m crashing in your room tonight.  Sam is staying in mine.”

“Fine…but if someone wasn’t being Ms. Prim and Proper, I could have my damn bed to myself!” Claire teased.

“Like you’d have your bed to yourself either way, skank!” Regina countered, throwing batter across the kitchen at Claire.

That evening would go down in history as the “Epic Food Fight of 2017.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you tell we like Star Wars? If you like Star Wars as well as Supernatural, you should check out Neal's fic "Force of the Heart." Smuggler Dean/Jedi Cas. Need I say more? It's a deliciously slow burn. So slow in fact, that I may or may not have threatened to bang their heads together if they didn't kiss soon. (Well, that may not have been out loud.....) But seriously, it. Is. AWESOME! And you should definitely check it ou!


	13. Last night you were in my room, and now my bedsheets smell like you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I want…” Cas started, shifting so that he lay over Dean, his knee pressing into the cushions between Dean’s legs. “… more.” Cas’s eyes searched his face, looking for guidance or perhaps permission, Dean couldn’t tell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song referenced in the title is "Shape of You" by Ed Sheeran
> 
> Another chapter that is light on angst and incidentally, heavy on smut. (Don't get used to it.) Enjoy!
> 
> ~ Neal

Dean’s conversation with Sam was completed by the time he got in the car. While he was excited, he also knew that it would take all of his willpower to resist ‘hulking out’ as Charlie had called it.

The conversation resumed while they drove as Dean talked about the movies that were out in theatres right now and how they weren’t really missing anything. Castiel put in a word or two, but mostly he was nervous. He heart hammered in his chest as they drove towards Dean’s house. He remembered all too well the feeling of Dean’s lips against his own the last night he had watched a movie there. He yearned for another of those kisses and with some heat, he realized he wanted more than kisses. He’d had a taste in his office that had opened his eyes to how good they could be together. He knew it was too soon for that, that he wasn’t ready for it but when he was with Dean it felt so good. In the face of the heady feeling he got when they were together it was hard to resist.

“Are you okay, Cas?” There was concern on Dean’s face.

Dean’s words snapped him out of his thoughts and he realized with a start that they had arrived and he had been staring off into space. “Yes, Dean. I’m fine. Shall we go in?”

Dean paused for a moment, looking over Cas’s features seriously before nodding. He got out and opened the door for Cas. He knew that it shouldn’t thrill him the way it did but every time Dean treated him with such curtesy, Castiel’s heart beat just a little bit faster. They walked up to the door together, though Dean held it open for him again. After the lights were turned on, Dean nudged Cas towards the couch.

“Get comfortable. I’ll make us popcorn.” With that, Dean went into the kitchen to pop popcorn and to put the rose in a vase with some water.

Watching Dean care for his rose made him happy. He could see that Dean appreciated the gift. It took only a few minutes of puttering before Dean brought back popcorn and a couple of beers. He still even had Cas’s favorite kind. He murmured his thanks before Dean went to turn on the movie and turn off the lights. When Dean finally came back and sat next to him, Castiel found that his palms were sweating just a little bit. Before the credits started, Dean moved to put his arm around Cas, then paused. “Is this okay, Cas?”

“Yes, Dean.” Cas couldn’t hide his smile as Dean placed an arm around his shoulder. Without being told, Cas scooted in closer and cuddled up to Dean’s side. It felt really nice. Before he could think much more about it, the yellow words scrolled down the screen with the familiar overture and he was quickly pulled into the plot of the movie. Just like the last time they had watched together, Cas whispered questions to Dean and they talked but this time felt more intimate than the last movie they watched.

When the credits rolled, Dean looked to him. “Did you like it?”

“I did. I can’t believe the Luke’s father is Darth Vadar.” Castiel hadn’t seen that coming at all.

Dean chuckled. “I can’t believe that you didn’t know that already.”

“I didn’t have much occasion to watch movies before, Dean.” Cas pointed out but he did so lightly. He’d gathered that Dean liked to poke at him a little but he didn’t mean anything by it. Cas suspected that Dean did it only to those he liked. He glanced at the clock. “Can we watch the next one? Is there time?”

Dean laughed again. “I’ve created a monster.” Still, he got up and changed out the DVD and then flopped back down next to Cas. He wasted no time in pulling Cas back into their cuddling position on the couch.

Cas watched the lettering crawl down the screen again, however, this time he was having a much harder time focusing as Dean scooted just a little bit closer. He felt the heat where their bodies met quite keenly. The pleasant scent of Dean’s aftershave tickled his senses. While the scene opened in Jabba’s Palace, Cas found himself turning in towards Dean’s neck and tucking his head onto the other man’s shoulder. It wouldn’t be much work at all to touch his lips to Dean’s neck and taste his skin. He still remembered that from his office and that only made him yearn to taste it again. There was no denying temptation and Cas’s lips were dragging along the side of Dean’s neck before Han Solo had been released from the carbonite.

Dean made a startled noise that quickly became a moan of pleasure as Cas’s lips slipped lower. Cas took this as a good sign and settled into what he was doing by listening to the sounds that Dean made as he tasted each and every inch of his neck. When he found a spot that encouraged moans instead of breathy gasps, he focused on it to wring out more sounds from Dean’s lips. He was discovering that he loved the noises that Dean made when they were like this, but more, it moved something inside of him that singed along his nerves. That stirring made him burn. He lingered at the base of Dean’s neck and started to suck a mark into the skin there, driven on by Dean squirming beneath him.

Cas hadn’t finished with the mark when Dean’s fingers threaded through his hair and lightly tugged him off. Even though the room was dark, Castiel could see the heat that burned in the green of Dean’s eyes. The moment when their eyes met, he swore he could hear the air crackle with electric want. That moment was gone in a mere instant when Dean’s pulled him in and their lips crashed together. Castiel should be used to being kissed by Dean like this, for they always seemed to lose their heads when they were together. Still, the first touch sent fire pouring down his spine to pool in the pit of his stomach. He curled an arm around those shoulders to pull them closer while his other hand settled on Dean’s hip. His tongue pushed against the seam of Dean’s lips; he didn’t want to savor the moment what he wanted was more.

Dean moaned as Castiel licked into his mouth. He had been on the receiving end of the kind of passion Cas created when they touched before, but this felt different to him. It was as if the man next to him burned from the inside out and Dean had little choice but to be burned by the flames. Pure want burned into his brain as their tongues met. He let go of Castiel’s hair and his hand pressed into the small of his back. He could feel the heat of Cas’s skin through his shirt. His fingers were tugging up the black shirt Cas wore to draw it out of his pants and then his hand was inside. A gasp stopped Cas’s lips against his own for a fraction of a second when their skin touched. That was all Dean needed to press back, plunging his tongue into that mouth. He savored the taste, even if it hinted at the awful beer Castiel favored. In the end, he craved all things Cas and was content to drink in every touch and taste he was given.

Cas clearly wasn’t content with this. His tongue and mouth were aggressive as he took what he wanted from Dean. Honestly, Dean was well with that. Usually he was the one leading the charge when it came to moments like these but now he felt swept away by the passion that poured into him. He could taste the want on Castiel’s lips and was blown away that he was the focus of it. Somewhere he knew that he should be resisting, but he told himself that he wasn’t the one that was hulking out here. He was simply along for the ride and what a ride it was. Then Cas began to pop open the buttons of his shirt one by one. The action went to Dean’s cock, which went from half hard to straining against his pants within mere seconds. Cool air hit his skin when the shirt is pushed over his shoulders. When Cas’s lips touched down in the hollow at the base of his neck Dean groaned aloud as his he closed his eyes against the onslaught. But then he remembered Charlie’s words to him. As much as he wanted to feel Cas’s lips against every inch of his skin, he didn’t want to hurt the man any further.

With a pained sigh, he gently tugged Cas’s hair to pull him off. Cas’s pupils were blown wide and his lips kiss swollen and red in the low light. He looked confused by the action and for a moment, struggled against the hold Dean had on him. “Cas…”

Castiel licked his lips. “Do you not want…”

“I do. You have no idea how much I want this.” Dean felt like the words were pulled from him against his will. He shifted in his seat trying to find a place that took some pressure off of his aching cock. “I just… want to be careful. Later you might…”

Dean was right, of course, Castiel knew this. If they continued there would be hell for him to pay later. He didn’t care right now. The fire that burned in him demanded more of Dean, demanded things he didn’t know how to get for himself. He could see that Dean was every bit as hard as he was, if the bulge behind the zipper of those pants was any indication. He had a choice to make and it was too easy in the heat of the moment. He pressed his hand against Dean’s cock, consequences be damned. Dean’s answering groan told him everything he needed to know, particularly when Dean’s hips thrust against his hand.

“I don’t care. I want you.” He growled as his lips touched down on Dean’s skin. If he didn’t get to taste more of Dean’s body, he would surely combust.

“Cas…” Dean’s fingers tugged at his hair again, weakly trying to pull him back again but there was no strength behind it. Dean clearly didn’t want him to stop. He was just as lost to the promise of what lay between them.

Cas glanced up to see Dean’s body relax against the couch, his eyes were closed and his lips were parted. Even from here, he could see that they were every bit as swollen as his own were. With a smile curling on his lips, his fingers traced over the bare skin of Dean’s chest, marveling at the heat and the way Dean’s breath hitched underneath his touch. He felt powerful, but more, a creature made new. In the space between reality, with Dean he felt whole if only for these few moments. He smiled again at the rough intake of breath when his fingers tripped over Dean’s right nipple. He stayed there, his lips coming down over Dean’s heart as he flicked and toyed with the neb of flesh, listening to the litany of sounds and swear words that dripped from those lips. When he replaced his fingers with his lips, Dean’s body jerked beneath his.

“Fuck, Cas.” Dean groaned, his fingers now carding through Cas’s hair while his other hand slid up Cas’s back, rucking up the back of his shirt in the process.

The air on his flesh only drove Cas further. He opened Dean’s pants; fumbling with the button and zipper with clumsy fingers while he tongued Dean’s nipple before tugging it with his teeth. He was taking Dean apart piece by piece and loving every minute as his lover unraveled. He wasted no time in drawing Dean’s cock out when he got those pants open. His fingers curled around the length which was already wet with precome. He gave it a slow stroke while his lips popped off of the nipple he had so that he could give the other one the same attention. Dean’s hips thrust into his hand. Castiel eased his strokes after spreading Dean’s precome over his cock; he wanted to keep Dean at a slow burn rather than racing to the end. He almost pushed Dean’s hand away when he reached for Cas’s pants but he ached for something… anything to relieve the throbbing of his own dick. He let Dean stroke him a few times before he pulled himself away with a sigh. It was necessary for he was kissing lower and lower down Dean’s body. Cas’s tongue flicked into Dean’s navel just to enjoy the gasp and quiver of the flesh under his lips before moving on. He kissed the course hair that led the way to Dean’s cock.

He glanced up to find Dean’s eyes riveted to him and his lips parted around panting breaths. “Please Cas…”

He couldn’t resist the request and stopped stroking so he could lick a stripe up that cock from base to head. He tasted the bitter flavor of precome and found he liked it anyway, then closed his lips around the head.

Dean’s entire body stilled when he was enveloped into that warm, wet mouth. It took every ounce of willpower he possessed to stop himself from moving. “Cas… oh God…” He breathed his fingers once again in Cas’s hair, this time to hold on for dear life as suction was applied to his aching flesh. He yearned to make this last forever but much to his own chagrin, Dean knew he wasn’t going to last long if it lasted any longer. He was okay with that. He couldn’t stop the swear words and encouragement that poured from his lips as Cas took him deeper and deeper into his mouth right up until he moment he felt the telltale building behind his cock. He tugged Cas’s hair, trying to pull him off. “Cas… I’m close.” Cas came off his cock with a pop of lips, his fingers letting him go.

Dean absolutely _did_ not whine when Cas stopped.

“I want…” Cas started, shifting so that he lay over Dean, his knee pressing into the cushions between Dean’s legs. “… more.” Cas’s eyes searched his face, looking for guidance or perhaps permission, Dean couldn’t tell.

Dean licked his lips. Was Cas asking for what he thought he was asking for? When their eyes met, all he could see was want and the question there. “Do you want to…” He found himself licking his lips again, trying to find words that weren’t too crude.

“I want to be inside you.” Cas said without aplomb, though his cheeks pinked with the words.

Dean was stunned into silence as his neurons fried. He struggled to be Captain America and resist, then decided even the good Captain would be lost here. “Upstairs.”

Cas nodded and got off without bothering to put his cock back in his pants. He pulled Dean up without giving him time to do that either. It took no time at all to climb the stairs.

Castiel’s first impression of Dean’s room was that it was tidy. That was the only thing he let himself know because the moment that Dean closed the door behind them, he was on the man and pushing his shirt off his shoulders. Dean’s back hit the closed door as Castiel attacked his mouth with a vigor that surprised even him. The moment Dean’s shirt was free of his arms, Cas’s hands went to his pants and shoved them down, carrying whatever underwear Dean was wearing. Dean pushed back against him and broke their kiss so he could toe off his shoes and step out of his clothes, which were pooled around his ankles. The other man seemed so at ease with his nakedness when he took Castiel’s hand and tugged him towards the bed.

“It’ll be more comfortable here.” Dean’s voice was warm with amusement as he led the way to the bed. He turned when they reached it and drew Castiel into his arms. Fully clothed, Castiel could feel a hint of Dean’s heat but little more. The urge to feel Dean against his own skin suddenly became overpowering and Cas reached for his bowtie to untie it. Dean surprised him by stopping his hand. “Let me.”

When Cas’s hand fell away, Dean leaned down just enough that his lips came down high on the side of Castiel’s neck just under his ear. He breathed a moan as Dean’s kissed his way down, though he paused long enough to nip the skin just above the collar. He felt Dean’s lips curve into a smile against his skin. Before he could ask, Dean shifted, his teeth caught the edge of Cas’s bowtie and tugged. The silk came untied easily but more importantly, Cas remembered the day in the library when he’d first touched Dean and once again, he felt a surge of want that demanded an answer. He grabbed his tie and pulled it free, then seized Dean, dragging him back into his arms so he could plunge his tongue back into Dean’s mouth. Dean pressed back into Castiel the moment their lips touched and he gave as good as he got until they had to break away, panting, in order to catch their breath.

Even while panting, Dean grabbed the buttons of Castiel’s shirt and made quick work of them then was shoving his suspenders down his arms. There was an urgency to his movements and once the shirt was free of Cas’s body, he left it bunched and laced through the suspenders that were tangled at Castiel’s hips. Cas himself grabbed his pants and shed his socks and his shoes though he never stopped kissing Dean; when he bent to remove the clothing he spread sloppy kisses over Dean’s chest and stomach, as well as one cheeky one that fell on the head of his cock. Dean grabbed Cas before he could do anything else and pushed him down on the bed.

“Get comfortable.” He instructed as he drew condoms and lube from the drawer of his bedside table. He dropped the condoms but kept the bottle as he watched Cas scoot up the bed to lean against Dean’s pillow.

“What are you…?” Cas asked as he licked his lips. There was a glimmer in his eyes that Dean decided was an indication that Professor Novak wouldn’t be obeying his instructions for very much longer. Dean knew he better get while the getting was good. He crawled onto the bed and straddled Cas’s hips without putting his weight on the body beneath his.

“Gonna open myself up for you. I thought you might want to watch since it’s your first time.” The reason was practical but there was desire for those hot blue eyes to take in every inch of him. If the soft moan on Castiel’s lips was any indication, then the man was completely on board. Dean poured the lube into his palm and used it to slick his fingers before turning and finding a position that gave Cas a very good view of what he was doing. He wasted little time in spreading lube around his tight rim and working one finger into his body. He worked methodically to open himself up though he couldn’t quite resist the temptation to swipe his prostate a time or two before working in a second finger.

He could practically feel Castiel’s gaze on him and every time he glanced around, he found the other man riveted to him while he licked his lips. With a start, Dean realized that not only was Cas watching, he was also lazily stroking his own cock which was purpled and leaking.

“Fuck Cas.” The sight alone made Dean hurry his fingers, pumping them into his body with greater speed. He wanted that cock inside of him and his thoughts centered there so he missed the sound of motion. Instead he nearly jumped when warm fingers wrapped around his wrist and drew his fingers out.

“Let me.” Cas murmured. The rumble of that voice did something to Dean, going straight to his cock which practically ached for attention already. Dean heard the snap of the lube opening and felt a rush of anticipation in the moments before Cas’s slicked fingers touched his rim. The touch circled the tight flesh gently as if Cas was nervous about pressing inside.

“No need to treat me gently. Just do it.” Dean’s voice was rough but his fingers were gentle as he covered Cas’s and nudged them to press inside.

Cas watched in fascination as his fingers worked slowly into Dean’s body. The sound of Dean’s breathy moan spurred him into thrusting his fingers in then drawing back out. The action alone made him ache to be inside of Dean fully. He knew he should be scissoring and stretching the flesh the way Dean had been doing before he took over, however, he’d seen Dean do something that he’d clearly found pleasurable. Cas wanted to find out what that was. He suspected that Dean was stroking his own prostate (yes, he might have done some research regarding gay sex before this date) and now he was determined to find it for himself. He continued thrusting into Dean, his fingers searching until he found what he was searching for.

“Cas!” Dean’s moan was exactly what he needed to hear and he stroked over it once, then twice more as he watched Dean begin to unravel again before him. “Fuck… there, right there…” Dean seemed to have derailed from the current plan and was lost to sensation. Cas saw no harm in giving him more of what he desired. He reached around Dean and curled his fingers around his lover’s leaking cock and began to stroke him in time with the movement of his fingers. Dean moaned his name and thrust into Cas’s hand then drew back onto Castiel’s fingers. The way his body moved was gorgeous and the only thing that kept him from pushing Dean over the edge then and there was his own desire to see Dean come on his cock.

He worked a third finger into Dean’s heat when he felt the other man was ready for it, then lost himself in the rhythm he’d created with Dean’s body between his hands until Dean tried to draw his cock from Cas’s fingers.

“Cas, I’m close… I wanna come on your cock.” Dean was panting as his hips pressed into Castiel’s fingers, despite taking all three, Dean still felt tight to Cas. He almost said something before Dean caught his eyes. “Fuck me already.”

Cas didn’t need to be told twice. He withdrew his fingers and pulled Dean towards him until their lips met. They were delicious twined together on the bed as they kissed, but neither had forgotten their true aim. Dean pushed against Cas’s chest until he lay back on the bed and then was crawling over him to straddle his hips again. Before Cas could truly process what was happening, Dean’s hand had rolled a condom over his cock and then guided him until the head of his cock was pressing against Dean’s rim. His eyes snapped to Dean’s face with his lower lip caught between his teeth when he felt the pressure as Dean impaled himself. There was a brief moment when he felt resistance before he was enveloped into the heat of Dean’s body.

Dean was expecting the slight burn when Cas pressed into him but he didn’t mind it, he’d needed Cas to let him go before he came all over Cas’s hand and the bed before the main event. Now he watched Cas’s face as he sank slowly down onto his lover’s cock until he bottomed out against Cas’s body.

“Dean… so tight.” Castiel gasped, his fingers clutched Dean’s hips to hold him still. He could see by the way Cas chewed his lower lip that he wasn’t quite ready to move yet. Dean lay along his lover’s body and touched their lips together tenderly. They kissed languidly, Dean’s lips moving slowly to savor the moment while he waited for Cas to move. It wasn’t long before he felt the subtle arch of Castiel’s hips beneath him. Dean rolled his hips to meet the movement and was rewarded with a gasp against his lips. The next thrust was harder and faster than the first and Dean pressed back into it, drawing his body up so that he could watch Castiel as he thrust into him.

“That’s it…” He murmured in encouragement as he took over and rode Cas with a slow and steady pace. He craved more but was willing to warm up to it. He enjoyed watching the concentration on Cas’s face as the man matched his pace and then began to thrust up with a little more force.

It had taken a great deal of concentration from Cas to keep himself from coming during those first few moments. Dean was hot and tight and it felt better than anything he’d ever experienced before. That is, until he started moving and experienced what that was like. Honestly, his eyes nearly glazed over as Dean took over and he found himself watching and moving to the pace that the librarian set. Then he noticed how enticing the roll of Dean’s body was as he fucked himself on Castiel’s cock. Cas wanted more; he wanted to watch Dean come apart for him one final time. With that in mind, his fingers tightened on Dean’s hips and subtly began to change the angle of his thrusts. He tried different angles, his eyes on Dean’s face until he struck exactly where he wanted.

“There… Cas.. fuck…” The words poured from Dean’s lips as Cas thrust back in to strike Dean’s prostate again and once he knew what he was doing, he could do it again and again. It was rewarding to watch Dean babble his name, his hands moving all over Cas’s chest until they came to rest on his shoulders. Dean thrust himself back to meet Castiel’s hips. The room filled with the sound of their moans and the slap of their skin each time their bodies met. A slow burn increased exponentially for Cas, heat pooling behind his groin.

Dean, it seemed, was equally affected. “Close, Cas.” He panted, his breath was hot against Castiel’s neck.

With a suddenness that surprised even him, Cas pulled Dean tight and flipped their positions. Dean looked up at him stunned when his back hit the bed and Cas lay over him. Cas enjoyed wiping the expression off of Dean’s face as he started a brutal pace between their bodies. It was both hard and fast; the bed creaked beneath them. The thud of the head board of the bed hitting the wall behind it did nothing to slow him down. Beneath him, the sound of Dean filled his senses.

“Please… Cas… need you…” Dean babbled, as he bucked up against Cas, clearly searching for something that he needed. With a moment of clarity, he realized what it was Dean needed and reached between them to grasp the librarian’s cock in his hand. He stroked it two or three times in time with the slap of their hips before Dean came with a bitten off howl. Cas had no time to savor his triumph because when Dean came, he clenched around Cas’s cock and then he too was coming. He roughly worked them both through their orgasms before he fell loosely over Dean before rolling to the side. Dean whined when Cas pulled out however, he curled his body around the other man in the next breath. Castiel rolled off the condom with a grimace, then tied it off and dropped it into a convenient trash can next to the bed. Castiel succumbed to the pleasant afterglow and let himself be pulled into Dean’s arms. He didn’t mean to fall asleep; in fact, he meant to get up and go home. Sleep, however, was altogether too tempting, particularly when he was in Dean’s arms and he was pulled under in no time at all.

***

Castiel woke with a start; he knew he’d been having a nightmare because his heart was racing and his skin was covered in cold sweat. He couldn’t remember the contents of the dream but he felt sick, his stomach rolling and twisting. That was when he realized he was in a strange room and a strange bed…and he was next to Dean…naked. A low groan escaped his lips as a familiar terror began to grow. The sound woke Dean, who rolled towards him and opened one eye. He sat up slowly next to Cas.

“Cas, are you okay?” Dean reached for him but stopped just before touching him.

The terror was still there but something about Dean being with him made it easier to bear. He licked his lips and ran a shaky hand through his hair. “I don’t know. I feel…” He couldn’t find a word for how he felt. He was caught between the awful feeling of slipping away and the need to hold onto Dean and the wonder they’d experienced together. “I don’t know…”

“Can I…” Dean looked uncertain as he nodded towards his hand. “Can I touch you?”

Cas looked at Dean’s hand and considered it, feeling that he both wanted the touch and was frightened of it. Finally, the need for the touch outweighed the trepidation. He nodded.

Dean’s fingers were soft and warm as they curved over his shoulder and down his back. The touch soothed him and he felt himself relax a little but he still remained nervous.

“What we did… I shouldn’t have…” He could feel the sick guilt emerging where he’d once been happy.

Dean patiently rubbed his hand up and down his back. “Did you want it?”

“I did but it was wrong.” Cas said, the words tasting bitter in his dry mouth.

“Do you really believe that Cas?” Dean’s voice remained as patient as his hands.

Cas wasn’t used to that. He was used to Dean getting angry or confused by his sudden reversals. It confused him and made him think. Moreover, his confusion grew as he considered Dean’s question, he thought both that it was wrong but a growing part of him didn’t want to believe that. He wanted Dean and he wanted to fall into his arms but he felt that he couldn’t let himself. He lowered his head into shaking hands. Dean was his only point of contact with reality and he clung to it as that hand slid up and down his back.

“Would you like me to read to you?”

Castiel thought there would be nothing better than to hear Dean read something to him. “Yes.” He whispered.

Dean reached across him and swept a leather bound book from the bedside table. He wrestled it open one handed and settled on a page.

                _My glass shall not persuade me I am old,_

_So long as youth and thou are of one date;_

_But when in thee time’s furrow I behold,_

_Then look I death my days should expiate._

_For all that beauty that doth cover thee,_

_Is but the seemly raiment of my heart,_

_Which in thy breast doth live, as thine in me:_

_How can I then be elder than thou art?_

_O! therefore love, be of thyself wary_

_As I, not for myself, but for thee will;_

_Bearing they heart, which I will keep so chary_

_As tender nurse her babe from faring ill._

_Presume not on thy heart when mine is slain,_

_Thou gav’st me thine not to give back again._

The sound of Dean’s voice soothed him beyond anything else he knew of; perhaps even more than Anna did when she read to him from _The Great Gatsby_. He listened at first, his lips curving slightly into a smile as he listened to the familiar words of Shakespeare. He found it somehow apt that Dean had the sonnets next to his bed; it was currently what lay on Cas’s bedside table too. As one sonnet bled into the next, he relaxed bit by bit until he laid down next to Dean and curled around him. Eventually his head came to rest against Dean’s thigh, though over the covers and his arm curled around the other man’s waist.

Eventually, Dean stopped, licking his lips and clearing his throat. He glanced down at Cas and ran his fingers through Cas’s dark hair. He sighed and turned his face to nuzzle that hand.

Dean chuckled as he tossed the book aside and stretched his arms over his head. “Better?”

“Better.” Cas agreed, looking up at Dean with a sense of wonder that he’d never quite felt for the other man before.

“Good, How about breakfast?” Dean leaned over and pressed a kiss to the top of Cas’s head before he extracted himself from his arms.

Just before Dean slipped from the covers, Castiel caught his wrist. “Dean.” He waited for Dean to acknowledge him before he went on. “Thank you. I don’t know why you are so patient with me.”

Dean settled back down and his fingers carded through Cas’s hair again. “You aren’t the first person I’ve been around that had this problem. I guess I have experience.”

“I… really? Who?” Cas’s fingers toyed with the edge of the blanket that was slipping away from Dean’s thigh.

“My dad.” Dean paused there, clearly deciding how much to say. “He was a marine and served during Vietnam.”

“Oh.” Castiel had never thought himself that bad but lately, perhaps he was. “I must seem cursed. I don’t deserve you.”

Dean winked at him and ruffled his hair. “I’ll take you, cursed or not.” He slid from the bed now without a hint of modesty. Cas found himself with a very nice view of Dean’s ass. He felt color rising in his cheeks and heat growing in his gut. He stared as Dean went through his drawers and came up with a pair of boxers that he threw at Cas. By the time that Cas had those on, Dean had covered up the pretty view. He probably shouldn’t be disappointed but he was. Next Dean tossed him a pair of jeans and a black t-shirt.

Castiel knew that he should be dressing himself however, he simply watched the strange reverse strip tease that was Dean dressing. He was still sitting in boxer shorts when Dean was through, which raised a playful smirk from the other man. Cas laughed and pulled the black shirt over his head and glanced down to see the letters AC/DC emblazoned across his chest. He wondered vaguely if that was a band as he pulled on the jeans Dean had given him (which were a little big in the waist and just a tad too long).

Dean held out a hand to him. “Come on, Cas. Let’s eat.”

Cas took his hand and let himself be led away.

The rest of the day was spent blissfully being lost in each other, both figuratively and at some points, literally. So much so, in fact, that Dean texted Sam to suggest that he maybe he should stay over at Regina’s for the rest of the day. After all, if you’re going to have sex on the couch repeatedly, it’s probably better if your younger brother doesn’t walk in on you.


	14. In the subtle light of day, the weight of expectation...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Me: Are you disgusted by me?  
> Dean: Why would you say that?
> 
> Dean was truly confused by the text message Cas sent him after church. He was expecting something about the confrontation he and Gabriel had, but not that.
> 
> Cas: The look you gave me when I came out of confession. You looked disgusted.  
> Me: We left after Regina came out. I never saw you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title Inspiration: "Said It All" by Take That.

Sunday morning started the way it had started the past several weeks for Sam, with him dressing in a new suit.  He had purchased several new suits since he started accompanying Regina to church on Sundays.  Dean wouldn’t let him feel guilty about the extra money he was spending, since as a lawyer, he would need suits.  What did make this Sunday unusual was when Sam made his way down stairs and found Dean already up, and dressed, in his one formal suit.

“Dude, you look like an FBI agent,” Sam said.

“Shut up.  I look hot.” Dean rebutted.

“So what has you up before noon…and looking like you’ve got a hot date with Mulder and Scully?” Sam asked.

“I’m going to church with you and Regina.” Dean stated, as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

Sam looked at his older brother with his mouth agape.  He closed it like he was going to say something, then dropped it again.

“Come on dude, don’t look so shocked.  It’s important to Cas, so it’s important to me.” Dean explained with a shrug.

Even though Regina arrived in her own car to pick Sam up for Mass, since Dean was tagging along, he insisted that he should drive.  A decision he no doubt regretted when the two of them got into the back seat and turned goo goo eyes on each other the entire ride to the Catholic Church.

Another thing Dean hadn’t anticipated was how much earlier than almost everyone else they had arrived.  Apparently this was because Regina liked to sit towards the front of the sanctuary, much to Dean’s chagrin.

“I’m little and some of these ladies wear giant hats!” she whispered to Dean by way of explanation.  He totally didn’t chuckle at that.

A gold Lincoln Continental pulls into the parking lot not long after Dean, Sam, and Regina had taken their seats.  From the passenger seat, Gabriel surveys the other cars in the lot.  “Well, I’ll be damned if it isn’t Dean Winchester’s phallus on wheels.  ‘Bout time that guy started seeking absolution.”  Gabriel was in a snarkier than usual mood since Castiel didn’t come Friday night, and when he did make it home, he was wearing someone else’s clothes.  He was not amused by the fact that Cassie wouldn’t give him ANY of the juicy details.

It took all of Castiel’s will power not to dart his head around asking “Where? Where?”  He managed to keep his cool, despite the warm feeling curling in his chest.  Dean had come to church.  He came because he knew it was important to Castiel.  He didn’t know how he knew that, he just did.

***

Dean had gotten through Mass without feeling too much like he was being tortured.  He did have a few questions about the service, which Regina was happy to answer, despite the bitch face every whispered question drew from Sam.  After, the congregants were invited to give their confessions and seek absolution with the Father.  When Regina made her way solemnly to the chamber, Dean couldn’t help but needle Sam.

“So, you spend Friday night and most of Saturday at her place, and now she needs to go to confession.  What did you two get up to?”  This was asked with an exaggerated waggle of his eyebrows.

Sam’s nuclear bitch face reached Hiroshima levels.  “De-an,” he practically whined, “We’re in a CHURCH.  And, for your information, what you’re thinking, well, stop thinking it because…just stop.” Sam crossed his arms with a huff.

Before Dean could respond, someone was sliding into their pew.  “Hi ya, Sammy,” Gabriel greeted with a smirk and patted him on the shoulder.

“Hey Gabe,” Sam gave him a friendly smile.

Dean tried not to huff from the other side of Sam.

“Where is that charming lady of yours?” Gabriel asked.

Sam pointed towards the front of the sanctuary.  “Confession.”

“Ah, Cassie too,” Gabe replied.  Then he looked around Sam to Dean.  “Cassie’s been going to confession a LOT lately.  MUCH more than he used too.  Do you know anything about that, DEAN?”  He didn’t even try to hide his accusatory tone.

Dean thought about keeping his big trap shut, because that probably would have been best, but of course, he is Dean Winchester, after all.  “You know what, Gabriel,” he practically spat the other man’s name, “Cas is a grown man.  He can see whomever he wants and it’s nobody’s damn business!”

It was then that Regina returned from the confession chamber, looking peaceful and light, and completely oblivious to the scene that was almost unfolding.

“Hi Gabe,” she said brightly upon returning to her pew.

As Gabriel turned to greet her, he rearranged his face from the sneer he leveled on Dean into a bright smile for the young lady.  “Hi ya, ‘Gina,” he greeted just as brightly.  “I suppose I should get back to my seat and wait for Cassie.”  He smiled down at Regina, but then looked over the short girl’s head to give Dean a final dirty look before heading off.

Sam stood up, hauling Dean up with him.  “We should probably get going,” Sam said, desperately wanting to get Dean out the door before he or Gabriel started something.

“But Professor Novak was in right behind me.  Dean might want to wait for him,” Regina suggested.

Dean was still shooting killer glares in Gabriel’s direction, making Sam’s decision easy.  “It’s probably best if we just head out.”  Sam pleaded with her with his eyes.  He knew she knew the tension between his brother and the Kapoors.

“Oh, yes, let’s.  I have homework anyway,” Regina agreed.

Dean is still shooting dirty glares in Gabriel’s general direction when Castiel comes out of the confession chamber.  Dean is so caught up in his ire at Gabriel that he doesn’t even notice and unknowingly shoots a glare towards Cas.  Sam practically has to drag his brother out of the church.

Castiel never feels “good” after confession.  He’s heard stories about how it makes some people feel free and light.  He just feels vulnerable, putting all of his misdeeds on display like that.  That feeling was exponentially stronger after confessing about his weekend with Dean.  He didn’t regret what they had done while they were together, but once away from Dean, all of his old fears and wounds came boiling back to the surface.  He was looking forward to seeing Dean when he realized it was indeed his car in the parking lot.   That was until he came out of the chamber and Dean leveled him with the most disgusted look he had ever seen.  Every awful thing he had been trained to believe about himself, those same things that Dean had told him weren’t wrong, came rushing to the surface in the millisecond that his eyes landed on Dean’s face.  He pushed his way back to the pew where he left Gabriel, shoved the car keys at him, and dragged the shorter man out to the car.

Once they arrived back at the house, Castiel didn’t even join Gabriel and Kali for the brunch she had made for all of them.  Sunday morning was one of the few times she had a chance to cook, and both men usually enjoyed it.  This time, Castiel barely grunted a “hello” and went straight to his room.

His hands were already starting to shake.  He knew what was coming.  He pulled out his cell phone and texted Dean while he still could.

_Me:  Are you disgusted by me?_

_Dean: Why would you say that?_

Dean was truly confused by the text message Cas sent him after church.  He was expecting something about the confrontation he and Gabriel had, but not that.

_Cas:  The look you gave me when I came out of confession.  You looked disgusted._

_Me:  We left after Regina came out.  I never saw you._

Oh…shit…Dean suddenly remembered he was glaring pretty bad after the incident with Gabe, and he didn’t even notice anyone else around him while he was staring daggers at the other man.  If he had looked in Cas’s direction like that…Dean didn’t even want to think about that.  He knew this couldn’t be handled via text, so he called Cas.  There was no answer.  He didn’t even bother to try more than once this time.  He knew what was happening.  Unfortunately, he couldn’t exactly go to the home of Gabriel and Kali Kapoor and try to talk Cas down.  He needed help.  He didn’t want to bother his students on the weekend, but he had no choice, he called Claire.

***

Claire was barreling down the highway in her 1965 electric blue Mustang convertible, Mustang Sally.  The car was a beauty, but the gas mileage sucked, so she usually just rode with Regina in her fuel efficient Soul Train.  She was enjoying the wind in her hair when The Offspring’s “Pretty Fly for a White Guy” started to blare from her purse.

“Shit.”  She looked over at the pretty red head in the passenger seat and said, “Hey, Mom, that’s Dean, and if he’s calling on a Sunday, it’s gotta be important. Will you answer that?”

“Absolutely.”  Anna and Claire were thinking the same thing, if Dean was calling her on a Sunday, it was probably about Castiel.  She rummaged around in her daughter’s purse for a minute before retrieving the phone.  “Hello, Dean,” she answered.

Dean looked at the phone confused for a minute, sure he had called Claire, but that wasn’t her voice.  Suddenly recognition set in.  “Anna?  I thought I called Claire.”

“You did.  I’m with her,” Anna explained briefly before getting to the point.  “What’s going on?”

Dean took less than five minutes to explain the weird text, the unanswered call, and why he couldn’t go check on Cas himself.

“Ok, I’m on it Dean.  Thanks.  I’ll have him call you when he can.”  Anna turned to Claire before she even ended the call.  “Head over to Gabriel’s.”

Claire didn’t even question the request and got off the highway at the appropriate exit.

Once they pulled into Gabriel’s driveway, Anna instructed Claire to meet her back at her hotel, that either she’d have Castiel take her over there or that she’d take a cab.  She didn’t know how long she was going to be, and she didn’t want Claire to have to wait.

Anna pounded on the door and barely acknowledged Gabriel’s greeting of “Hello, beautiful!”  She pushed her way into the house and demanded to know where her brother’s room was.  She took the stairs two at a time, and didn’t even bother to knock on his bedroom door.  She barged in and saw exactly what she and Dean had been worried about.

***

Anna was an expert at helping Castiel to recover whenever his PTSD flared up, and it didn’t take her long to bring him around.  He was asleep when she called Dean back.  At least she had been able to get a little more of the story out of him before he dozed off.

“Anna!” Dean answered his phone, worry laced in his voice.

“He’s alright now, Dean.  Castiel is asleep.  He said you gave him a disgusted look when he came out of confession at church this morning?”

Dean sighed into the phone.  “That’s not what happened.  I was glaring at Gabriel, who I had words with right before we left.” Dean rolled his eyes at his use of “had words.”  “I didn’t even know Cas was there.  I didn’t see him.”

“Oh.  Well, whatever you guys did this weekend – I don’t want to know – affected him greatly.  Something you should understand about Castiel, he should tell you but won’t, is that when he goes to confession, he always feels very vulnerable.  The bigger the confession, the worse it is.  If he caught that glare right after and thought it was directed at him…” Anna trailed off, leaving Dean to fill in the rest.

“Shit.  I’m sorry, Anna.  I didn’t know.  Will you have him call me when he wakes up?  Or better yet, tell him to come over?”

“I’ll give him the message Dean.”

“Thanks.”

Anna sat with Castiel until he woke up, about an hour later.  He looked confused.  “Anna?  What are you doing here?”

“I am supposed to be having dinner with my daughter,” she chuckled and brushed the hair off her brother’s forehead.  “When she was picking me up from the airport, your boyfriend called.  Apparently you didn’t answer his phone call and he was worried.”  Anna kept her voice light and joking, even though she was concerned.

“Dean doesn’t want to be my boyfriend.  I disgust him,” Castiel groused.

“He wasn’t glaring at you, you idiot.  Apparently, he had words with Gabriel and was glaring at him.  He didn’t even know you were caught in the crossfire.   Now will you go see him so he can apologize to you?”

“I don’t want to see him right now.”

“Fine.  Call him.  Do something other than lay here and be miserable.”

“Fine,” Castiel huffed.

“Fine,” Anna mocked.  “So, are you OK here?  Can I go see my daughter now?”

“Yes, I’m fine,” he said.

“Good.  I love you, grumpy.”  Anna decided it would be a good idea to pepper her brother with soft kisses all over his face.

“I love you too, Anna.  Now get off of me!”  His words were harsh, but he was laughing.  Anna always knew how to cheer him up.

“OK.  I’m going.”  Anna got up to go, but turned back to him.  “And Castiel, call Dean.”

“I will.”

Castiel did call Dean, and accepted his apology as well as offering one of his own.  When the call ended, Dean didn’t feel all that much better.  Castiel sounded distant, and had turned down his offer to come over and try to watch _Return of the Jedi_ again, since they never did get to finish the movie on Friday.

***

Monday morning started normally enough, until the grad students came in.  As soon as Claire entered the library, she waylaid Dean coming out of his office.  “Dean!  I need to have lunch with Kevin today.  My mom wants to take us out!” She exclaimed in a voice far too loud for the library.

“First of all, Claire, shush!” Dean said, sounding too much like that school marm he loathed.  “Second of all, fine, but you two better get all of your tasks done ahead of time and I better not catch you making out in the stacks again!”

“Thanks, Dean,” she replied, her voice much more library appropriate.  “Oh, by the way, Uncle Cassie isn’t going with us.”

When Dean just looked at her confused, she added in a rush, “It was my mom’s idea.  I don’t know what’s going on, but apparently she thinks you two need face time or whatever.”  Claire rolled her eyes in such a way that said “Ugh, adults.”

Dean thought about it most of the morning.  Cas had acted weird on the phone on Sunday, so maybe Anna was right and they needed face time.  But what if that just made things even weirder?  It finally took Charlie to make up his mind for him.

“So, you’re having lunch with Cas, right?” Charlie asked practically out of the blue.

“You’ve been talking to Claire?” was his no-answer answer.

“Just go, see him.  You know, you two really need to learn to use your words.”

Of course, lunchtime had Dean walking down that familiar tree lined path to the Religion building.  He sighed; still not convinced this was a good idea.  When he arrived at Castiel’s office, he knocked hesitantly on the door.  At the gruff “Come in,” he entered.

Castiel looked up from where he had clearly been raking his fingers through his hair, the surprise evident in his cobalt eyes.  “You’re not Claire,” he said dumbly.

“Um, no.  Apparently Anna wanted to take Claire and Kevin to lunch today,” Dean replied.  “So, I thought I’d surprise you,” he added lamely.

“If you’re hungry, there’s an extra salad in the fridge,” Cas shrugged, “That’s what Claire usually eats.”

Cas still seemed off to Dean.  He couldn’t put his finger on it, but something wasn’t quite right.  He dropped into the chair on the other side of Castiel’s desk to study the other man.  “So, uh, how are you?  I mean, after Sunday?  Are you OK?”

“I’m fine, Dean,” the words came out much harsher than Castiel intended. “I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to snap at you.  I’m mostly OK, I think…” he stammered before his words trailed off.

The truth was Castiel didn’t know if he was fine.  There were thoughts and feelings stirring in his soul that he couldn’t begin to understand or identify, let alone talk about.  The one thing he did know was that when Dean was around, those feelings became unbearable, as if they were taking him over.  He didn’t necessarily think they were bad feelings, but they were definitely overwhelming, and he just didn’t know how to handle it.

Their conversation grew more stiff and uncomfortable after that.  Dean made a lame joke about not eating rabbit food, and Castiel barely managed a smile.  When it was time to leave, Dean went around the desk to try to give Cas a kiss, but he turned his head, causing Dean’s lips to land awkwardly on his hair.  All in all, Dean left that lunch feeling worse than he had before.

Dean poked around the library for some time before he went into the rare books room, closed the door and worked on some of his restoration work. He didn’t feel like facing anyone at the moment and the work was all consuming; he had to pay attention to it and could avoid his worries for a time. When he surfaced, another two hours had passed. His back ached so he got up, stretched and headed towards his desk. The work may have distracted him but it hadn’t changed anything. He was losing Cas and he didn’t know why.

The thought followed him to his desk as he settled in. He didn’t want to check his email but he did. It wasn’t even surprising that there was an email from the anonymous sender waiting for him.

This time there was only one picture: He and Cas standing on the pier. They were kissing in the fading light from the sun; the water glowed orange and red behind them. Again, it was a beautiful picture and he wished to hell it hadn’t come to him this way.

_Always despoiling the innocent. Karmic law will take its due._

Crap. This was escalating. What the fuck was Dean supposed to do about this if he couldn’t find who was doing it. He’d already tried everything he knew how to do; but let’s face it, Dean wasn’t a tech guru. Charlie would know, but he didn’t want to worry her. Maybe he’d go talk to Bobby again. Bobby would know what to do.

***

Monday night found Castiel in Anna’s hotel room staring at the plate she had ordered him from room service.  He had barely touched it, and wouldn’t even look at Anna.

“OK, spill,” Anna stated as she sat down to her own plate.

He looked up at his sister and ran his hands through his hair, tugging on it, as if that would make everything fall into place.  “I don’t even know where to start, Anna.  There’s too much going on.  Inside here,” he passed his hand over his chest, “And here,” pointed to his head.

“Let me guess, the one thing it all has in common is Dean?”

Castiel stood up and began to pace.  “Yes.  It’s like I’m scared, and exhilarated, and happy, and sad, and afraid I’m going to lose it all.”  Suddenly, he sat down next to Anna, and clutched her knee like a terrified child.  “I can’t lose Dean.  Anna, I can’t.”  He started pacing again.  “But it’s too hard to keep him close.  I feel….too….much.”  He stopped pacing and just looked down at Anna from where he stood, his eyes imploring her, expecting her to have all the answers.

Anna grabbed her brother’s hands and pulled him down to a crouching position so they were eye to eye.  She gently cupped his jaw and said in the softest, most soothing voice possible.  “You love him, Castiel.  That feeling ‘too much,’ that’s love.”

Castiel dropped the rest of the way to the floor and put his head in Anna’s lap.  “What do I do?”  He almost sounded more scared than Anna had ever heard him before.

She stroked his dark hair in an effort to soothe him.  “You need to tell him.  If you want to make this work with him, you should tell him how you feel.”

“What if he doesn’t feel the same way?  How could he?  I’m broken.”

Anna shushed him and continued to stroke her fingers through his hair.  “We’re all at least a little broken, Castiel.  I’m sure Dean has demons of his own.  But when you love someone, you work through it together.  Dean has already shown that he is more than willing to help you with your issues, even without knowing what they are.  You should trust him, but more importantly, you should trust yourself, Castiel.  Trust your feelings.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You didn't think it would be all beer and smut from now on, did you? #SorryNotSorry. Seriously though, buckle up because it's going to get worse before it gets better. (It WILL get better though, we promise.) Love you, mean it!


	15. Now that I know what I’m without, you can’t just leave me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Dear Mr. Winchester:_  
>  It has been brought to my attention that you have once again overstepped your boundaries with another member of the University staff. I have set up an appointment for tomorrow afternoon once I’ve interviewed the alleged victim. Please be at my office promptly at 2pm.  
> Regards,  
> Amara Noir, Supervisor, Human Resources.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song referenced in the title is "Bring Me to Life" by Evanescence.
> 
> Shit = fan
> 
> I'm so sorry. This chapter was hands down the hardest for myself and Andromytta to write. Please, please, please know that there will be a happy ending eventually. Hang in there!
> 
> ~Neal

When Castiel awoke the next morning, he felt better than he had ever remembered feeling before.  His talk with Anna had helped him a lot, and he had decided that he was going to tell Dean Winchester that he was falling in love with him.  Cas smiled when he thought about it.  He knew he first needed to apologize for being so distant with Dean over the past couple of days, but he had faith that the other man would understand once he explained why he had been pulling away.

On the way to the University, Castiel passed the same flower vendor where he had bought Dean a rose on their first date.  He couldn’t think of a more fitting token to give to the one he loves, so he stopped and picked up two long stem red roses.  Unfortunately, the detour left him very little time before class, and he couldn’t just skip them like he had before.  The students had presentations due today, and it was his responsibility to make sure he was present for them.  Castiel barely had enough time to tuck the roses into the mini fridge in his office to keep them fresh before he had to hurry to his classroom.

As he was waiting for the last few students to take their seats, Cas pulled his phone out with the intention of inviting Dean to have lunch.  Unfortunately, it dinged with a reminder that there was a department meeting today, during his free period.  Talking to Dean would have to wait.  If nothing else, at least Cas had parked his Lincoln right next to Dean’s Impala, so he would definitely catch the librarian when they both left for the day.

Cas’s morning classes seemed to slink by with the freshmen all giving their presentations.  The department meeting had dragged by even slower.  Castiel had a good 5 minutes of solitude to check his email before his afternoon classes.  The first one he read made his heart sink like a rock.

_Dear Professor Novak:_

_It has come to my attention that you may be the victim of unwanted sexual advances.  I have set up an appointment for tomorrow afternoon so you can come to my office to discuss the accusations.  Arrangements have already been made with the head of your department.  Please be at my office promptly at 1pm._

_Regards,_

_Amara Noir, Supervisor, Human Resources._

Castiel took a deep breath.  There was only one person who had made “sexual advances” on him, and they were more than “wanted.”  His own distress suddenly took a backseat as he realized Dean had probably received a similar memo, only much worse.  His desire to talk to Dean had become an aching need.  Castiel thought that maybe if they presented a united front to Amara, this whole thing would be dropped easily.  Unfortunately, he was now 5 minutes late to his next class, so talking to Dean would have to wait…again.

***

Dean had just sat down at his desk with a long sigh. Currently the office was empty, as Charlie had gone out to teach the freshman how to use the library resources for one of their writing classes. Dean usually did this but this year, Charlie had expressed interest and why the hell not let her go? He could use the free time to send out some emails to a few colleagues at different universities regarding an article they were working on together. He woke his computer up and went to his email. A cold sense of fear passed over him when he saw one from HR and with a sense of growing dread, he clicked it open.

_Dear Mr. Winchester:_

_It has been brought to my attention that you have once again overstepped your boundaries with another member of the University staff.  I have set up an appointment for tomorrow afternoon once I’ve interviewed the alleged victim.  Please be at my office promptly at 2pm._

_Regards,_

_Amara Noir, Supervisor, Human Resources._

Dean felt as if he’d been kicked in the chest. There was no one at all whom he’d been close to besides Cas. The same Cas who had once been fire in his arms had turned cold and withdrawn over the last few days. And now… this. He didn’t understand. Why not just break up with him? Why… why would he? _Why?_ The thought chased around Dean’s head in circles as he stared blankly at the screen. When no answers came, anger grew. It was so much easier to be angry than heartbroken, right?

***

Castiel leaned against the trunk of Dean’s Impala, eagerly waiting for the other man.  He wasn’t worried about the summons from HR, as long and he and Dean faced it together, it would be fine, right?  When he saw Dean striding towards him from the library, he couldn’t contain the smile that slipped past his lips.  As Dean drew closer, that changed.  Dean looked angry, and there was no mistaking this time that the glare he carried was directed at Castiel.  His ire made his green eyes glow like Kryptonite, and much like Superman, Castiel was powerless in the face of it.  His smile dropped as the two red roses he was holding slipped from his grasp and slid to the concrete.  “D-dean?” he said, all emotion drained from his voice.

Dean had the rest of the afternoon to build up a good fury. This went well beyond the typical break up protocol. This was on the scale of life ruining. Hell, it was life ruining. Worse, there was nothing, absolutely nothing that he could do to stop it. He’d barely made it through the rest of the day without blowing up. The only reason he hadn’t was because he’d not wanted the rest of the library staff to know a thing about it. They’d been between himself and Cas too many damn times already. Time to put on his big boy panties and suck it up. He had, with his temper set to a low burn. When everyone was gone, however, he let it go and stomped around the library, clicking off the lights and locking the doors. What he needed was time, he decided, time to drink whiskey and let his temper burn off.

Time was not what Dean was given. When he rounded the bend, he saw Castiel leaning against his precious Baby and simply lost his head. He swore he could feel his neurons exploding in anger as his vision burned red. He stomped over to Cas and didn’t give him even a moment. “Did you come here to gloat? Is that it? Turn me in to HR just to roast me over hot coals? Was breaking up just to fucking good for you?”

Castiel’s voice was barely a whisper as he tried to explain.  “T-That’s not…I didn’t….I couldn’t….Dean, I wanted…”  He had no idea how to finish a thought in the face of Dean’s anger.  He wanted to beg for Dean’s forgiveness, even though he didn’t do anything wrong.  He wanted to yell and scream at the other man because he didn’t do anything wrong.  Instead, his inner conflict left him completely powerless under Dean’s unexpected blow up.

Letting his anger lead him, Dean ran right over Castiel’s words. “You didn’t what? Want to talk to me? You couldn’t grow a pair long enough to tell me off. I thought…“ He shook his head, because starting with those thoughts made the anger waver towards the ache in his chest that he was steadfastly ignoring. “Well, it doesn’t matter. I should have read the writing on the wall when you kept throwing me away. I should have fucking known better.” Dean was only getting louder, if anything, and the more he talked, the angrier he became. He felt a little like his head was on fire, his cheeks flushed red and his eyes glittering hot and edged as he stared at Cas. He barreled on like a freight train thinking that maybe if he just burned it out he would be empty and none of it would matter anymore. “Do you known what the fuck you have done? What this does to me?”

Anger finally won the battle raging inside Castiel’s head.  “I didn’t fucking do ANYTHING Dean! I COULDN’T do this!  Do you have any idea what this kind of investigation would do to ME?  In case you didn’t notice, discussing my personal relations is a little bit of a struggle.  Why the HELL would I bring another person into it?  If you’d get your head out of your ass for a second and think about it, maybe you’d realize that!”  He was breathing heavy having let all thought out in one loud breath.

Cas yelled at him. Dean was about to lose his job, his whole life, and Cas was yelling at _him_? “What it does to _you?_ I’m losing everything and this is about _you?_ Are you serious? This is always about you. You jerk me around, tell me to go, tell me you want me. What the fuck am I supposed to think? How the hell am I supposed to read that? What I DO know is that you checked out days ago, which you’ve done every time we’ve done anything together. I asked you and YOU said YOU were OKAY! I trusted you, _Castiel_ , which makes me stupid on top of a fool. I’m not doing it again. I’m done. Why the hell would you even come here unless it was to see how thoroughly you…” _destroyed me_. He didn’t say the last, he would rather swallow his tongue than give Cas… no, Castiel, the satisfaction of seeing how far Dean was going to fall this time.

“You idiot!  I was waiting out here because I was going to tell you – Well, clearly what I was going to tell you isn’t important because if you are even willing to think for just ONE SECOND that I would willingly do this to you…or anyone for that matter, CLEARLY my feelings were premature!”  Crap.  Did Castiel just almost admit to that?  In the heat of anger?  That wasn’t what he had intended to say at all. His fist flew to his mouth in an effort to trap the words he hadn’t meant to say.  He dropped his hand and his head soon followed.  “Dean…I…” his voice was barely a whisper, and his words trailed off as he didn’t know what there was left to say.  Clearly Dean was done with him.  Had been done with him for days from the sound of it.  Castiel couldn’t exactly blame him.  Who would want to have to deal with the kind of baggage that came with being Castiel Novak anyway?

Dean’s knuckles turned white as he curled his fingers into a tight fist. He felt hot and cold for the first time. What the _actual_ fuck? For the first time since he’d read the email, he felt a niggling doubt about the conclusion he’d come to. He pushed it away. Who else would do this to him? Who else would have a reason? Dean’s lips closed around those questions before he screamed them out. Of course Cas would deny it and he didn’t want to hear it. Not even one word. He was tired and the fight drained out of him. His anger was flagging and he couldn’t look at Castiel anymore because he didn’t want to feel how badly the man’s betrayal hurt. Hopelessness was slowly replacing anger; he was going to be fired. “Why?” He whispered, his voice barely audible even to himself; it would be easy to miss. He shook his head and brushed past Castiel without looking at him, his voice rising to normal levels though soft. “Lose my number.”

“Consider it done.”  His voice carried a hard edge he didn’t even know he had.  Without even turning to look back at the other man, Castiel got into his own car, intending to get out of there before the tears that were already building fell from his eyes.  With shaking hands, he tried to start his car, dropping his keys in the process.  He finally managed to get his car started, but couldn’t bring himself to put it into gear.  He didn’t know what he was hoping for as he sat in his car, eyes blurred with tears so badly he couldn’t see to drive away even if he wanted to.

Dean had no such problems. The moment he was inside Baby, the car roared to life. He threw it into gear and ripped out of the parking space and then out of the parking lot. There was a squealing of tires as he took the turn a hair too fast, but this didn’t slow him down. He left the university as if the devil himself were on his tail. He had nowhere to go, of course, nowhere but home to drown his sorrow and anger in whiskey until he could feel nothing at all.

As Castiel watched Dean speed away, the hurt and sadness sunk into his bones, but with losing the love of his life (yes, Castiel was willing to admit that’s what was happening) a certain clarity also set in, and it suddenly occurred to him who was behind the report to HR.  Kali had been out for blood ever since her own run in with Dean, and apparently Dean and Gabriel had a run in at Mass.  Gabriel had been pissy ever since Castiel didn’t come home on Friday, and it would be just like him to think Castiel couldn’t handle an adult relationship.  He probably truly thought Dean was using him.  Neither of them had the opportunity to see the Dean that Castiel saw.  The Dean that Castiel was in love with.

All of that coalesced to make Castiel angry.  Sure, he was angry with Dean for jumping to conclusions, he was mad with himself for making it so easy for Dean to jump to those conclusions, but most of all, he was angry with Gabriel for treating him like a child who couldn’t fend for himself.  Even if Dean HAD just been out to use Castiel, how was that ANY of Gabriel’s business?  Didn’t Castiel have the right…no, the DUTY to make his own mistakes?  Planning just exactly he was going to say to his “friend” when he got home, Castiel was finally able to put his car into drive.

***

His tires screeched as he pulled into the driveway in front of Gabriel and Kali’s impressive home.  He unlocked the door and let it slam behind him.  “Gabriel!” he shouted as he stomped around the house looking for him.  “Gabriel!  Gabriel!  If you don’t get down here, you Intrusive Assbutt, I’m coming up there!  And I don’t care what I walk in on!”

Gabriel came down the stairs tying his red satin robe.  “Good God, Cassie, what’s the matter?”

Castiel turned and glowered down at the shorter man.  “You!  You and that WIFE of yours!  You had NO REASON to report Dean Winchester to HR!  Our relationship was consensual and NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!”

“But Cassie, he was using you.  You don’t understand how the real world works.  You’ve been sheltered for too long, and it’s my duty as your best friend to protect you.  You’re like a brother to me, Castiel.  I had to do what was best.” Gabriel shrugged, somehow managing to remain calm in the face of Castiel’s wrath.

“If he WAS using me, then that was MY MISTAKE to make!  Why is everyone else allowed to make mistakes in love, but not me?  Not ‘poor little Cassie’ who needs to be protected from everything?”  Castiel spat, then added, “And for the record, he was NOT using me!  We had something real, and you went and destroyed that with one little phone call.  So thanks a lot for your so-called ‘protection!’  Fuck you!”  With that, Castiel stormed up the stairs and into his own room.

Castiel slammed his bedroom door with an epic thud, threw himself onto the bed and called his sister.  There was no way he could face the HR inquiry on his own, and without Dean by his side, Anna was the only one who could support him.  He explained what had happened, in great detail, and Anna had agreed to meet him and Claire for lunch the next day, and she would accompany him to HR right after.


	16. Without you, I’m nothing at all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Dean Winchester broke my heart and it’s all my fault,” Castiel finally said, miserably, into his hands.  
> “I’m going to kill him!” Claire stated as she stabbed her fork forcefully into the food on her plate.  
> “Claire Anne Novak, you will do no such thing!” Anna said, this time using her “nuclear mom voice.”  
> “But Mom!”  
> “No. You absolutely will NOT risk your graduate degree and your future career because of two grown men who don’t know how to use their damn words until their relationship explodes all over the place!” Anna clearly indicated the discussion was over and there was no more room for argument. Despite her harsh words, she was still running a soothing hand up and down Castiel’s back. He was still her baby brother after all, and he still had a stressful meeting to attend as soon as their lunch was over.  
> “Fine,” Claire muttered. Maybe she couldn’t tell Dean off, but she didn’t have to be friendly with him, either. As long as she maintained a passing professional demeanor with him, she should be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title Inspiration: "Without You I'm Nothing," by Placebo
> 
> Andy here. Hold on to your hats, ladies, gentlemen, and other. Things are going to get worse before they get better. But please, stick with us, because we did promise angst with a happy ending.

Dean had drunk himself stupid after he’d gotten home. He hadn’t eaten, or talked to anyone. He’d ducked Sammy by leaving him pizza money on the table and closing himself in his room before the Moose came home. It wasn’t the sort of drinking where one savored what they had; rather, he’d drunk as much as he could as quickly as possible. The sound of his alarm the next morning had come with a monstrous hangover. It was the sort of hangover that made his head hurt as he showered. Instead of tackling it with his typical hangover cure (greasy breakfast, of course), he drank several glasses of water and went to work on an empty stomach.

As he pulled into the parking lot, he noticed a flash of red in his usual parking space. Paranoid after yesterday’s shit storm; he stopped the car and walked into the space to see what they were. A pair of red roses lay in the space, brilliant petals crushed beneath what was clearly the tread of Baby’s tire. Cas must have dropped them yesterday and Dean had run them over without noticing. Why the hell would Cas bring him roses? Something turned over in his stomach, making the nausea from his hangover ten times worse. What if Cas hadn’t turned him in? The thought turned him cold all over. He couldn’t contemplate that now because if it was true it would mean…. Without following that through, he picked up the crushed roses. His first inclination was to throw them away or to stomp them into oblivion but that shred of doubt stopped him. He dropped them into the passenger seat when he climbed back in and parked Baby. Once parked, he stared at the destroyed flowers for a very long time before shoving both of them into the glove compartment. If nothing else, it would remind him of what happened when Dean Winchester tried to find something that was real. Thank God it was early so no one would see it happen.

He’d made sure to come in before everyone else would be there so he could do what needed to be done. He booted his computer, turned on the lamp over his desk and sat down in his chair. He stared at the screen for a long time until he realized that if he didn’t do it soon, everyone else would come in and he’d loose his privacy. So, he opened Word and began to type.

_Ms. Noir,_

_As of this day, I, Dean Winchester, do hereby resign from my position as Head Librarian effective two weeks from this date. In exchange for this resignation, I will not contest the current accusations against me. I ask that there be no investigations into this matter and that the library remain undisturbed until I leave. Thank you for your cooperation and consideration in this matter._

_Sincerely,_

_Dean Winchester_

Dean couldn’t deal with another investigation. He didn’t want the library turned upside down and he didn’t want his name dragged through the mud a second time. Moreover, if Cas made the accusation, then it would be Cas’s word against Dean. With the prior accusation, that wasn’t going to go well for Dean.  It would all come out, of course, but he wanted it to happen once he was gone. He’d never work as a librarian again; he knew that. He just didn’t see what other course of action he had. After a long moment, he printed the letter, signed it, and put it in an envelope to give to Amara at his 2:00 meeting.

***

When Anna arrived on campus to meet Claire and Castiel for lunch the day after her brother’s confrontations with Dean and Gabe, she couldn’t help but notice how lovely the campus was in the late autumn sun.  She wasn’t about to let her daughter and her brother stay holed up in buildings all day when it was a lovely day, so she texted them and suggested they have lunch at the picnic table in the trees just off of the walk between their two buildings.  Anna figured it would be appropriate, since she basically brought a picnic lunch with her.  She had commandeered Claire’s kitchen that morning and made a real lunch for the three of them to share.

As soon as the three of them sat down for lunch, Claire immediately knew something was going on.  Castiel kept casting sad, furtive glances towards the library while Anna kept touching him on the shoulder or hand as if she were trying to keep him grounded.  That, along with Castiel leaving Anna’s cooking untouched all added up to something not being right, and she wasn’t going to just sit there eating in virtual silence with her two favorite people in the world.  “What is going on here?  You two are acting weirder than normal, even for adults.”

“Claire, you are also an adult now,” Anna responded reasonably.

“Not my point, Mom, and you know it.”

“Trust me, Claire, you don’t want to get in the middle of this,” Anna stated in her “mom” voice as if that should be the end of the discussion.

Claire looked back and forth between her mother and her uncle and sighed.  Resigned, she decided to eat her lunch in silence.

“Dean Winchester broke my heart and it’s all my fault,” Castiel finally said, miserably, into his hands.

“I’m going to kill him!” Claire stated as she stabbed her fork forcefully into the food on her plate.

“Claire Anne Novak, you will do no such thing!” Anna said, this time using her “nuclear mom voice.”

“But Mom!”

“No.  You absolutely will NOT risk your graduate degree and your future career because of two grown men who don’t know how to use their damn words until their relationship explodes all over the place!”  Anna clearly indicated the discussion was over and there was no more room for argument.  Despite her harsh words, she was still running a soothing hand up and down Castiel’s back.  He was still her baby brother after all, and he still had a stressful meeting to attend as soon as their lunch was over.

“Fine,” Claire muttered.  Maybe she couldn’t tell Dean off, but she didn’t have to be friendly with him, either.  As long as she maintained a passing professional demeanor with him, she should be fine.

***

When Dean walked into the lobby in front of the Human Resources office, he expected to be alone.  He was surprised to see a pretty red head flipping through a magazine on the other side of the room.  Had this been six months ago, he might have chatted her up, but today he noted her presence and little else.

Dean sat with his hands clasped in front of him and stared down at the floor, silently panicking about the very sudden and unexpected turn in his life, when Amara Noir, the head of HR, poked her head out of her office.  She barely gave Dean a half a glance and merely said to him, “I’ll be with you in a moment, Mr. Winchester,” before she turned to the woman and said, “Dr. Milton, could you come in here for a minute?”

She nodded and stood up.  As soon as she turned a look on Dean, he immediately knew who she was.  Anna leveled him with what he had dubbed the “Novak Glare.”  Cas and Claire had the same look, which included a head tilt and squinted eyes.  When Cas did it, he usually just looked confused, but on the faces of the Novak women, it was as if they were looking at the biggest dumbass they had ever seen.  “For the record, Dean,” she practically spat his name out, “Castiel didn’t do this.  He wouldn’t.”  She disappeared into the office and closed the door.

Anna was appalled at what she walked into.  It was clear whatever Amara had forced him to talk about had triggered Castiel’s PTSD.  Anna turned fiery blue eyes on the other woman.  “What did you do to my brother?”

“We were merely discussing the nature of his relationship with Mr. Winchester.  I surmise from this…episode…that the person who brought this to my attention was correct,” Amara explained, her voice precise and cool.

“His ‘relationship’ with Dean isn’t what brought this on, you stupid cow!  It was YOU forcing him to talk about it for absolutely NO GOOD REASON!”  Anna wanted to keep her voice calm for Castiel’s sake, but she was absolutely furious with the other woman.

“I attempted to comfort him, but it made it worse.”

“Please tell me you didn’t touch him.”  By this time, Anna was seething and it was taking all of her restraint to not yell at the woman again.

“It was just on his shoulder,” Amara answered, her voice only changing tone slightly, as if she was worried about her own human resources reprimand.

“You’re a fucking dumbass, lady, and probably shouldn’t be running this human resources department,” Anna’s words were dripping with ire, though she tried to keep her voice low.

Finally, Anna turned her back dismissively on the other woman and turned her attention to Castiel, who was in one of the two chairs for visitors in the office.  He had his knees pulled up to his chest and his arms wrapped around them.  Anna braced her hands on the chair’s armrests and tried to catch Castiel’s eyes.  “Castiel, look at me.  It’s Anna.”  Her voice held steady with a calm she didn’t feel.  “Castiel, we need to leave this room.  I’m going to take your hands now.”  Anna carefully took his hands in hers.  He didn’t pull away.  He didn’t come out of his spell, but somehow, something inside him still recognized his sister, and she was able to lead him out of the office.

Anna led Castiel to the couch she had previously occupied, and despite trying to steer her lethargic brother to sit down, she still managed to level Dean with a fierce “Novak Glare.”

She settled onto the couch with Castiel’s head in her lap.  She gently ran her fingers through his dark hair as she recited the opening chapter of The Great Gatsby from memory.

_In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I’ve been turning over in my head ever since._

_“Whenever you feel like criticizing any one,” he told me, “just remember that all the people in this world haven’t had all the advantages that you’ve had.”_

Dean watched them go by numbly. This would have been easier when he was still angry but now that it had burned off, he simply felt sick. He tried not to care about what was going on in front of him. He was neck deep in his own trouble. He did, however, wonder how many time Anna would have to read The Great Gatsby in order to have memorized it.

Then there was no time to think about it at all.

“Mr. Winchester?”

Amara Noir stood in the doorway of her open office wearing a slinky black dress and her hair up off the back of her neck. He dreaded talking to her, especially since the last HR investigation. He nodded and went into her office taking pains to make sure he squeezed past her without touching her in any way. It was a hard feat with the way she was taking up most of the doorway. She closed the door and walked to her desk. She sat and indicated the chair across from her desk. Dean promptly ignored her and stood in front of her desk.

“As I told you...” She said, glaring at him as she looked up at him from her seat, “There have been some claims that you were behind unwanted sexual advances…again.” She clucked her tongue at him and shook her head. “What are we to do with you, Dean? Professor Novak was quite distraught, as you no doubt saw.”

Dean could feel all the blood drain from his face. Apparently Anna was a liar too. What the hell had Cas said about him? It felt like stones dropping into his stomach and the earlier doubt he’d felt that morning faded away in the face of what Amara said. There would be no fighting this. At least he knew he was making the right decision.

Amara opened her mouth again, but Dean cut her off. “I am not contesting the allegations.”

“What?” The woman raised an eyebrow at him.

Dean held out the sealed envelope he’d prepared earlier. “I’m prepared to tender my resignation in exchange for no inquiry to be made. Just… make it go away.”

Amara crossed her arms over her chest as she surveyed him. She looked as if someone had stolen her fun. That, at least, made a tiny shred of warmth unroll inside of him. It did very little to fight the overwhelming cold he felt, but at least it was something.

Dean shifted from foot to foot, the letter still held out to her. “It makes your life easier, right? No inquiry, no bad press for the University and I’m no longer a thorn in your side.”

Amara sighed, clearly looking nonplussed at the turn of events. She took the envelope from him and dropped it on her desk. “Very well, your resignation has been accepted.”

Dean nodded curtly and didn’t wait to be dismissed; he simply strode from her office.  He didn’t look to see if Castiel and Anna were still there and didn’t let himself care. Or he tried to. It didn’t take long once outside of Amara’s office for the doubts to buzz. Amara was undoubtedly a bitch. But Castiel was clearly having one of his attacks and that usually was all wrapped up in his guilt. Was he guilty because he lied to HR or was it something else? _Why the hell can’t I let this go?_ Because Cas’s eyes had always seemed honest to him. Because Cas seemed to _mean it_ when they kissed. Because when Cas had moved inside him it had been earth shattering. He couldn’t drop it because despite the evidence before him, he didn’t _want_ to believe it. He snorted as he walked back to the library. Dean Winchester, heartbroken over a man who… what? Wanted him and then didn’t. Let others rule his life? He didn’t know. What he did know was that even standing in the ashes of what could have been, Dean was sacrificing for Cas. His resignation would keep Cas out of the unpleasantness as well as the rest of his staff. And if that didn’t make him a fool, he didn’t know what else did.


	17. Too far away to feel you, but I can’t forget your skin.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Dean has a habit of being inappropriate with people. So I’m keeping an eye on him to make sure no one gets hurt.”
> 
> Charlie was about to get a full head of steam going to either tell off the blonde girl or ask her what the Hell she was talking about when all of a sudden she heard from her side, “Mr. Fizzles knows when you’re being a liiiiaaaarrrr!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song referenced is "Thousand Miles" by Tove Lo
> 
> Today is a double post, because we love you. More to come. 
> 
> ~Neal

Castiel was finally alone in his new apartment.  Anna had helped him secure one in Claire’s building, and had recruited her and her friends to help him assemble the Ikea furniture that Anna picked out and bought for him.  After everything that had happened over the past few days, Castiel was happy to let his big sister take over and make decisions for him.  This included taking him to a therapist, her old mentor, Dr. Missouri Mosley.  So far all she’d managed to do was tell Anna to stop being a mother hen and give Castiel samples of antianxiety and antidepressant medications.  He still insisted he didn’t need (or deserve) the help, so the meds stayed locked in the glove compartment of his car.  She also signed him up for two sessions a week, emailing a medical excuse to the head of his department to have two afternoons off a week.

None of that mattered now, when Castiel was alone with nothing but his thoughts.  He was doing a fairly good job avoiding thinking about what he had gained and lost in such a short amount of time.  He sighed as he continued to put his books onto the bookshelf.  He barely acknowledged the leather bound book of sonnets he hurriedly placed on the shelf.  As he slid it into place, a red/orange maple leaf fell out of it and onto the floor.  Castiel stared at it like it was an alien creature invading his space.  It felt like an eternity before he finally stooped to pick it up.  He twirled it between his fingers as a single tear slid down his cheek.

Castiel carried the leaf with him when he went to slump into his crappy couch.  It was as if he was transfixed, watching it as he continued to twirl it in his fingers. He remembered Dean giving it to him so clearly; the smile on the man’s face and how it had bloomed a similar smile on his own lips. He should never have fallen for Dean Winchester in the first place.  Castiel Novak was supposed to fall in love with a nice Catholic girl and have a slew of nice Catholic kids.  Since he couldn’t do that, he should have just stayed a priest.  Oh so, but life was never easy, was it? Clearly he was being punished for giving in to his aberrant impulses. 

So, Castiel had fallen for Dean.  Hard.  Now he was being punished for his sin and Dean was lost to him completely.  Dean believed that Castiel had betrayed him, when he couldn’t have ever done so.  He wouldn’t. His heart wouldn’t let him. On top of that, he’s also lost his best friend.  Gabriel had been his friend since Seminary, and he’d never imagined that he’d ever betray his trust. Now he wasn’t speaking to the other man and this too, was hard. He missed Gabriel’s wit and yes, even the protectiveness that had led to this situation. Castiel, however, knew he was responsible for everything that happened.  He should have just stayed away from Dean Winchester when he realized it would be impossible to avoid falling for him.

He stared hard at the leaf he was still twirling in his fingers as the tears that had been trickling silently turned into sobbing. The brilliant orange and red now represented something he could never have but a thing that he still desired with all his heart. Castiel considered crushing the offending foliage to destroy all memory of Dean, his smile, and the way his chest had warmed when it was offered to him. Instead, he simply let go and it fell from his fingers, fluttering to the floor and resting under the coffee table.  He dropped his head into his hands and just let the sobs take over, shaking his body until it started to ache.  He couldn’t make it stop.  He deserved this; the physical ache that made his limbs heavy as well as the emotional ache that threatened to pull him under completely.  He had tried to tell his sister and his therapist that he didn’t deserve to be helped.  He’d brought all of this on himself, and worse than that, he brought all of this on Dean too. They all had refused to see.

Castiel wasn’t sure how long he cried however, when he it finally stopped the sun had set outside.  He lay on his side on the couch with his entire body still wracked with pain.  His throat hurt from sobbing and his eyes burned from shed tears.  He hauled himself off of the couch long enough to grab the bottle of whiskey from the kitchen. It wasn’t as good as the bottle that Dean had given him, but it would do.   Anna had confiscated everything he had hidden in his room at Gabriel’s, but she couldn’t stop him from buying more.  He sat back down on the sofa, staring at the leaf where it landed on the floor and drank until he finally reached blissful dark.

***

It had been nearly a week since Dean had put in his resignation.  He tried to keep to himself, didn’t think anyone would notice that anything was wrong.  Of course, with Claire being just shy of insubordinate to him, he knew that at least she knew something had happened between him and Castiel.  He couldn’t hide from Charlie, either.  She had been at his door almost every evening that week and he’d had to chase her away with vague threats to embarrass her in front of her new girlfriend.  She had responded by threatening to sick said girlfriend on him, which he really hoped she wouldn’t follow through with even as he closed the door in her face night after night.  The last thing he wanted was Jo, and by extension, Ellen, to know what was going on.

So, when Dean had asked Charlie to close up for him that Monday so he could leave early, she didn’t protest too much.  She only hoped he was talking to somebody about what was eating at him.  Garth had the circulation desk well under control, and the grad students were taking care of the library floor, so Charlie took the opportunity to check her email.  The first one she read made all of the pieces fall into place.

_Dear Ms. Bradbury,_

_With the recent resignation of Head Librarian Dean Winchester, we would like to offer you the opportunity to potentially take over the position.  As we consider other applicants, we would like for you to take on the position of Interim Head Librarian._

_Please give us your response within 24 hours._

_Regards,_

_Amara Noir, Supervisor, Human Resources_

Dean had RESIGNED?  Charlie could only figure one thing had happened to both end his budding relationship with Castiel and cause him to resign.  Someone had turned him into HR.  As much as Charlie wanted to be pissed at Castiel, she figured Claire wouldn’t be acting so cold towards Dean if her uncle had actually been at fault.  She had to get Dean to talk to her, but if she went alone again, it would be a repeat of what had happened every other time she had tried.  “Garth, get in here!” she called as he was finally closing up the library.

“What’s up?” he asked.

“Look at this!” she pointed fervently to the email on her screen.

Garth just looked at her with wide eyes.  “What?  No!  Dean can’t resign!  This is just not right.  We need to DO something!”

“Exactly what I was thinking.  Come on, Garth, let’s go!” Charlie practically dragged the thin man out of the library and across the grounds to the faculty lot where her yellow Volkswagen was parked.

Even though the drive to Dean’s duplex was short, that fact still didn’t keep Charlie from attempting to break every speed law and cussing at every stop light.  She swung into the parking lot near the duplex and as she and Garth got out of her car, they both caught sight of something…someone moving in the bushes.  “What the frack?” Charlie asked as she took off at a run to catch whoever it was.

Charlie managed to tackle the person and wrestle the camera out of their hands as Garth came panting to a stop next to them.  “Becky Rosen?” they asked in unison.

“What the Hell, Becky?” Charlie asked as Garth helped both women to their feet.

“I have to keep an eye on Dean Winchester.” Becky explained.

When the two assistant librarians leveled her with identical incredulous looks, she went on to explain.  “Dean has a habit of being inappropriate with people.  So I’m keeping an eye on him to make sure no one gets hurt.”

Charlie was about to get a full head of steam going to either tell off the blonde girl or ask her what the Hell she was talking about when all of a sudden she heard from her side, “Mr. Fizzles knows when you’re being a liiiiaaaarrrr!”  The sock puppet had gotten all up in Becky’s face, his sock puppet glare accusatory.

“I’m NOT lying!  We all know Dean has a history of making unwanted advances at faculty as well as students,” Becky spat out, trying to sound as believable as possible.

_Explains where that rumor came from._  Charlie thought to herself.  She was about to start in on the girl again when Mr. Fizzles spoke up.

“Becky Rosen, you know that is categorically untrue!  The only faculty he was untoward with was Kali Kapoor, and while that situation did get out of hand, Mr. Winchester was never untoward with one of his students.”  Mr. Fizzles was on a role, so Charlie chose not to interrupt at this time.

“But it is true!  He was inappropriate with me!” Becky protested.

Charlie and Garth had identical shocked looks at this revelation, while Mr. Fizzles simply harrumphed.  Which Charlie thought was interesting.  She didn’t know sock puppets could harrumph.

Suddenly, Mr. Fizzles got as close as he could to Becky’s face without touching and leveled her with _the glare_.  “What is this REALLY about, young lady?”

“FINE!  I’ll TELL you what this is all about!  That-that-Dean Winchester did everything he could to keep me and my beautiful Sammy apart…and now he has no problem with my Sammy dating that disgustingly pure Regina Choi!”

Charlie finally broke at that and started laughing hysterically, even though the situation was far from humorous. Once she finally caught her breath, she found herself saying the same thing Dean had said hundreds of times last year.  “Sam is a grown ass man and can date whoever he wants.  Dean has absolutely no control over it.”

Mr. Fizzles picked up Charlie’s train of thought.  “You are trying to ruin a man’s CAREER because you think he cock blocked you with his brother?  Which he didn’t even do?”  The sock puppet looked simply appalled at the thought.

“I’m not trying to ruin anyone’s career.” Becky insisted.

Charlie leveled a dark gaze on Becky.  She was not going to be outdone in the outrage department by a sock puppet!  “You accused him of being inappropriate with you, what did you expect to happen?”

“It’s not like I went to the University,” Becky protested.  “I only talked to Professor Kapoor, and she agreed that it might be a good idea if I keep an eye on him.”

Kali, of course.  That didn’t surprise Charlie in the least.  Kali Kapoor had a well-known reputation for always believing the victim, especially ones that might be otherwise afraid to come forward.  If Becky had been an actual victim, Kali was the right person to have in her corner.  She could only imagine the other woman’s wrath when she discovered she had been manipulated.  Charlie was determined to be there to see it.

Finally, Charlie released Becky from her gaze.  “Go home, Becky.  And leave Dean alone.  Tomorrow, I’m going to see Professor Kapoor and put a stop to all of this.”

“Oh yeah, who do you think she’ll believe?  Me or Dean Winchester’s bestie?”

Charlie let a slow smile paint her lips as she answered.  “Neither.  Sam Winchester happens to be one of her TA’s this semester.  I’ll simply suggest she get the real story from him.”  Haha, bitch, she barely managed not to tack on.

Finally, Becky was speechless.  She had been so busy watching Dean that she had no idea about Sam working with Kali.  She stood there, her mouth opening and closing like some fish out of water.

Mr. Fizzles broke the silence.  “You heard what the Queen of Moondor told you.  Go home, Ms. Rosen.  Stop with this foolishness.”

“Fine!” Becky shrieked before grabbing her camera back from Charlie and stomping to her car.

“Quite impressive, Mr. Fizzles,” Charlie said, planting a sweet kiss on the top of his head.  The sock puppet’s jaw dropped, and he would have blushed, had he been capable.

***

The next day, when Charlie’s lunch break rolled around, she could barely be bothered with waving bye to Dean as she went directly to Kali’s office.  She was going to put a stop to this once and for all.  She stormed into the other woman’s office only to find no Kali.  She did startle Sam Winchester, who was shelving books in the large mahogany bookshelf on one side of the room and the other poor TA who was grading papers at the desk on the other side.

“Jesus Christ, Charlie!  You scared the Hell out of us!  What’s going on?  Wait…are you here for me?  Is Dean ok?  He’s not hurt is he?”  Sam said once he got over his fright.

From Sam’s reaction, Charlie had to assume that Sam didn’t know what was going on with Dean.  She didn’t even know why she was surprised.  When Dean kept everything inside, nobody got in, not even Sam.  “No, he’s not hurt,” Charlie said carefully.  “I’m actually here to speak to Kali.  Where is she?”

Sam and Adam, the other TA pointed at the door in the center of the far wall.  “Her office is through there, I’ll tell her you’re here,” Adam offered as he picked up the phone.  “And you are?”

“Charlie Bradbury, Assistant Librarian.  Tell her it’s important.”

“She says you can go right in,” he said a moment later.

Charlie purposefully strode into Kali’s inner sanctum.  If her temper had a color it would be the same flaming red as her hair.  Before she could say one word to the object of her fury, Kali spoke up.

“Ms. Bradbury, if you’re here to ask me to reconsider the report I filed against Mr. Winchester, you’re simply too late.  Unfortunately, he has overstepped his bounds one too many times.”

“Actually, I’m here to tell you that I caught your little spy, Ms. Becky Rosen, outside of Dean’s place last night.  And you should know, Ms. Kapoor,” Charlie basically spat the other woman’s name, “Ms. Rosen is the LAST person you should believe with regards to Dean Winchester!”  More calmly she added, “If you don’t believe me, simply ask Sam Winchester about her.”  Charlie stood with her arms crossed and glowered at Kali, who was still seated at her desk.

“I don’t understand what Sam has to do with any of this…”

“Just ask him about her.” Charlie insisted.  She wasn’t as wrathful as before, but her words were still firm.

“Very well,” Kali consented.  She picked up her phone, “Adam, send Sam in here please.”

Sam walked in and closed the door behind him.  “What’s up?” he asked as he looked between the two women.

“Sam, please tell me about Becky Rosen,” Kali said without preamble.

A very visible shudder shook Sam’s Moose-sized body.  “Becky…ugh…um…Becky kinda had this…well…crush is putting it mildly…on me.  She signed up for the library’s grad program because she thought she could get close to Dean to get me to go out with her.  So, get this, her major wasn’t even library science!  It was computer science.”  He ran his hand nervously through his shaggy hair.  “Anyway, I wasn’t interested in Becky.  Have never been interested in Becky.  I kinda had a crush on someone else.  Anyway, Becky blamed Dean for me not wanting to date her.  No matter how many times Dean and I tried to tell her I just wasn’t that into her.”

“Thank you, Sam.  That was all I needed to know,” Kali said.  “Oh, and can you take care of the rest of my classes today?  I’m going to be in meetings the rest of the afternoon.”

“Sure,” Sam agreed, clearly looking confused by the whole situation.

“You can go now, Sam,” Kali said gently.  She looked over at Charlie, unable to meet the other woman’s eyes.  “I believe I have made a terrible mistake and must remedy it immediately.  If you’ll please excuse me, Ms. Bradbury, but I think it’s time for you to go.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Charlie agreed, not quite able to keep the victorious smirk from her lips.

On her way out of the office, she couldn’t help but needle Sam a little bit.  “The girl you had a crush on back then, it wouldn’t happen to be a certain current library grad student would it?  A tiny Korean grad student?”

Sam looked down at Charlie and blushed.  “Yeah,” was all he said.

Grinning, Charlie left the office.  She had a feeling Kali would do the right thing.

Kali had dealt with enough victims of sexual harassment that she knew the signs.  Sam Winchester exhibited almost every one of them.  The full body shudder, the nervous body language, the way he hesitated when he talked about it, those were all signs she was well familiar with.  She knew Sam would likely never report Becky, or even admit that’s what had happened, but Kali was sure of it.  She couldn’t believe she let herself get suckered by Becky’s innocent face.  She realized her own opinion of Dean must have colored her reaction to Becky’s story and she was not happy about that.  Never in her entire career had she let personal feelings interfere with the truth, until now.  She had to fix this, as much as she could anyway.  First, though, she had to have a little chat with Ms. Becky Rosen.  She called her and asked her to come to her office right away, and she wouldn’t take “No” for an answer.

When Becky arrived at Kali’s office, she was already a nervous wreck.  After her interrogation with Mr. Fizzles, she’d been on edge.  If Charlie followed through on her threat and talked to Sam, she knew she was already screwed.  Becky was marginally relieved that Sam wasn’t there; because that probably meant that no one had talked to him, right?  She was also disappointed however, because she didn’t get to see her sweet Sammy.  Adam ushered Becky right into Kali’s inner sanctum, as she was expecting the girl.

Kali didn’t even give Becky a chance to speak when she walked in.  “Tell me about Sam Winchester.”

Becky had already begun to squirm under Kali’s intense gaze.  “I don’t know Sam that well.  He’s just Dean’s brother.”  The end of her statement came out more like a question.

“Is that so?” Kali’s gaze never lost the intensity.  She was finally seeing this girl for what she was.  A manipulative liar.

Still on edge from her run in with the assistant librarians and their sock puppet mascot, the intense glare from Kali was the final piece that caused Becky to break.  “Ok, fine!  I LOVE Sam Winchester!  And we would be together _RIGHT NOW_ if it wasn’t for that brother of his!”  She dropped down into one of the chairs in front of Kali’s desk and crossed her arms over her chest as she pouted.

“So Dean Winchester never harassed you?”  Kali kept up her cool demeanor.

“He kept me and Sam apart.  Isn’t that enough?”

Kali rose from her desk, her body practically on fire from the righteous anger she felt towards the girl.  “Not even a little bit, Ms. Rosen.  Do you KNOW how many REAL victims are afraid to come forward because they’re afraid no one will believe them?  I have made it my DUTY to always believe victims of sexual harassment.  You, young lady, have taken advantage of that as well as my own history with Mr. Winchester to accuse an innocent man of harassing you, one of his STUDENTS no less!”

“But Dean Winchester is bad news!” Becky protested, though she lost most of the fight she had left in her.

“He may have been ‘bad news’ to me, but he was never once inappropriate with you.  Now please leave and stop following Mr. Winchester.  Good bye, Becky.”  With those final words, Kali dismissed the young woman, who left her office in a huff.

Once alone, Kali dropped back down into her desk chair.  Leaning her elbows on her desk, she dropped her head into her hands.  She knew she had made a terrible mistake.  She couldn’t believe she let that woman take advantage of her.  She had no idea how to remedy the situation, but she had a good idea where to start.  Calling the one person who always kept her level headed in any situation, Gabriel.

Talking to her husband didn’t make Kali feel much better.  In fact, it had only served to make her feel worse.  She didn’t know about the argument between Gabriel and Castiel, or what had happened with Anna.  She wondered why Castiel had suddenly moved out of their spare room, but didn’t have time to give it more than a passing thought.  Gabriel filled in the missing pieces, and served to make Kali even more keenly aware of the mistake she had made.  She had to talk to Amara.  She only hoped her friend would understand.

***

When Kali arrived at the HR office, the secretary waved her right in, indicating that Amara was not in a meeting.  She knocked politely on the door before walking in.  Amara stood from her desk when the other woman entered.  “Kali!  Were we supposed to have lunch today?  I didn’t have it on my calendar.”  She moved from behind her desk to give Kali a hug and the women exchanged air kisses to the cheek.

“No, Amara.  This isn’t personal.  I…I think I made a terrible mistake.”

“Have a seat, dear, and tell me what happened.”

Kali explained everything to the HR Supervisor, including her own part in accusing Dean without cause other than her own prejudices towards the Head Librarian.  Amara listened patiently as Kali talked.  When Kali was finished, Amara finally spoke up.  “Of course, I’ll have to investigate this before I can reject Mr. Winchester’s resignation and offer him his job back.  He will have the right to file his own complaint against you, you are aware of that, right?”

“Yes, Amara, I am,” Kali agreed.

“Very well, I’ll see what I can do.”  Amara rose to dismiss Kali, and then added, “I am free for lunch if you’d like to join me.”

“Of course,” the other woman smiled.

With the promise of an investigation and the promise that things could still be made right, Kali let herself relax. She’d see this through; she may not like Dean Winchester but it was becoming clear to her that he didn’t deserve to be destroyed. Resolved to see the process through, she led the way to the café on campus where they could have lunch.


	18. Who’s gonna walk you through the dark side of the morning?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Too little, too late. Right?_  
>  Dean reached over and pressed send.  
>  _Me: I’m sorry_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song referenced in the title "It Ain't Me" by Kygo feat. Selena Gomez. 
> 
> **Trigger Warning: Suicide Attempt**  
>  Note that we have not tagged character death. On a happier note, the first M/F smut is here. You also get an extra long chapter. I think some of this chapter is hard, but the reason we posted it will become evident. At least, I hope it will. We are in the home stretch now. One more chapter and then the epilogue. Thanks for sticking with us. 
> 
> Be safe. We love you!
> 
> ~Neal
> 
> Andy here. The smut in this was my first attempt write actual smut, with Neal guiding me, of course. So be gentle!

After two long, grueling weeks, Dean had made it to the end of his career at the University. _So, this was it._ Dean had forced himself to act like everything was normal, just as he’d done for the last two weeks. He’d appeased Amara with his resignation. Most knew that there had been an HR scuffle, but it was largely rumor because of how quickly it had become nothing. For his own part, Dean had done a fairly good job of keeping others from examining his behavior too deeply. It seemed that when his heart finally froze over, he did fairly well at pretending to be the silently grumpy person he usually was.

Tomorrow was the last day. He could lie to everyone else, and to some extent, he could lie to himself but not anymore. Everything he’d worked for would be gone tomorrow. He’d been told by Amara that he could not expect a recommendation from the University when he left there. He doubted he’d ever be hired as a librarian anywhere else. Two sexual harassment accusations would keep him out of any public and academic library.

It had happened so fast that most days, he could scarcely make sense of it. He’d made mistakes, he knew that. Why couldn’t Cas have just told him to take a hike like everyone else had? Why did he have to take away the one thing that Dean truly loved? Part of his conscience niggled at him, because it still didn’t seem like Cas at all to do something so malicious. But who else would have cause? No answers came to him.  As he’d thought a million times since it happened, he wished he hadn’t blown up at Cas. He’d jumped to conclusions though he still had no evidence to negate that conclusion either. It didn’t matter now. Too little, too late. From where he sat on the bed, he picked up his cell phone as he’d done a hundred times before, opened the texts and typed “I’m sorry” in a message to Cas. He closed it without sending it. If he grew a pair, he’d send it.

He tossed the phone on his bedside table with the other two items there. A bottle of whiskey and a pearl handled colt. He put his head in his hands then ran his fingers through his hair. Dean could find no way out. He picked up the bottle and drank from it. He did that for quite some time, until a full bottle had lost half of its volume. He considered continuing to do so and to go out in drunken dark. In the end, he decided that if he was going to do this then he needed to man up and just do it. He could almost hear John Winchester’s voice in the back of his head telling him to do just that. _For God’s sake, Dean. Man up and do it._

“Yes, sir.” He mumbled as he put the bottle aside. He wasn’t watching and he set it on the edge of the table. It fell over and shattered on the floor next to the bed. He couldn’t bring himself to care. He picked up the colt.

If someone had told him this summer that he would be committing suicide by Halloween, he would have laughed. It wasn’t so funny now. He flipped the safety off. The click resounded with a finality that startled him. The last sound Dean Winchester ever heard. He raised the pistol and laid the barrel against his temple. He glanced at his phone one last time. He might have manned up enough to shoot himself, but could he face the possibility that he’d been wrong about Cas?

_Too little, too late. Right?_

Dean reached over and pressed send.

_Me: I’m sorry_

Dean watched the read verification pop up. For some reason, it made him smile. Someone had read his last words.

Dean closed his eyes. His finger tightened on the trigger.

“NO!”

The sound of the colt firing in the small room was deafening. On its heels was the sound of the window shattering.

Dean stared at the ceiling from his mattress. In the silence after the shot, Sam’s ragged breathing filled the air.

“God dammit, Dean!” Sam was nearly white when he sat up, taking his weight from his brother’s body.

Dean groaned. “Sammy…”

“Don’t Sammy me! Don’t you dare.” Sam grabbed him by the shirt and hauled Dean off of his back. Dean was limp in his arms, stunned or beyond caring. He wasn’t sure. Sam gave him a good shake. Dean swore he could hear his brains rattle. “What the hell, Dean? What…. Why?” To Dean’s horror, Sam’s eyes brightened with tears. “How could you?” Tears which spilled over to run down his cheeks.

Dean had done that. He’d known Sam would be upset but Sam didn’t need him. He had the beginnings of a great career. He was making good contacts. He had a ton of friends and a sweet girlfriend. Everything was going for Sam. Everything but his pervert of an older brother dragging him down. He’d rationalized this too. It would be better for Sam if Dean was gone. He’d see that someday.

Sam shook him again. Dean couldn’t look at him again so his eyes rolled to the bedspread beneath them. He watched it shake in his view to the rhythm of Sam shaking him. He suddenly laughed. Maybe Sam would scramble his brains with the shaking and he’d die all the same. The thought was absurd.

Laughing was exactly the wrong thing to do at that moment. He was dragged up by his shirt until he was staring into Sam’s glaring eyes. “Dean, this isn’t funny! Do you realize what you were doing? If I’d been even 5 seconds later you would be dead!”

“That was the idea, Sammy.” His voice is raw and slightly slurred.

The words create a silence that is both raw and ugly. The brothers stare at each other. Then, deliberately, Sam pulls his brother’s body against his chest and wraps him up in a crushing hug. “I almost lost you.” Dean can feel Sam’s tears soak into the shoulder of his shirt. He should be a good big brother. He should pat his back and apologize.

Dean knows he isn’t a good big brother. He’s not invincible anymore. In fact, he’s nothing now. He’s got nothing but Sammy, who he’ll inevitably drag down with him. He doesn’t speak as Sam cries. He doesn’t really feel much of anything at all except for the numbness that had spread over him when he’d decided to do this.

“Whatever it is, Dean, it can’t be this bad.” Sam said, sniffling as he drew back. Sam’s eyes searched his face. Dean simply had nothing to give him. Sam shook him again. “Come on, dammit. You can’t pretend this didn’t happen. I’m not going to go away!”

That much, Dean knew was true. Best to get on with it. Maybe Sam would leave him alone. “It is.”

“What?” Sam blinked, having perhaps expected a little more than that.

“It is that bad, Sammy.” Dean murmured. He looked up into Sam’s eyes and the damn broke. “It’s all gone now.” A harsh sob broke his lips. He should be mortified but he couldn’t find it in himself, not even when tears started to streak down his face. “Cas… Cas turned me into HR for sexual harassment…” Sam gasped. “I had to resign… so Amara wouldn’t drag everyone into an inquiry.”

“Dean.” Sam looked perplexed. It was how Dean had felt when the first notice of the complaint had come to him.

“I tried to be patient Sammy. When things happened, he was on board. I asked… I don’t know why he would do this.” Now the hiccupping sob did bother him, because it was easier to float in a numb depression than to face the very real heartache that came with the statement. “I thought we had a good thing.”

There was no way he could pass this off as manly tears. Dean just wept brokenly in Sam’s arms. Some big brother he was. He had no clue how long that went on. He simply cried until it stopped.

“Now I’ve got nothing. No Cas. No library.” Dean shook his head, trying to stop the tears from falling as his heart squeezed painfully in his chest. “The University won’t give me a recommendation. Worse, if I apply for a job, they’ll send over the file with the complaints. I’ll never work as a librarian again.” That was so much a part of who he was. He realized that without it, he had no clue who or what he was.

“God, Dean, when did this happen? Why didn’t you tell me?” Sam was aghast and when Dean looked up, tears glittered in his eyes still but now there was anger too.

“What could you have done, Sammy? It was better to just let it go instead of make a stink about it and drag everyone else down with me.” He looked at his hands and wondered, dimly, where the pistol had gone.

“You should have told me.” Sam said firmly, his hands on Dean’s shoulders as he tried to force him to look at him again. “When?”

“Two weeks ago.”

Sam choked. “Two weeks? Dean, if you resigned…”

“Tomorrow is my last day in the library.” Another sob broke his lips. He couldn’t help it.

Sam dragged him back into his arms. “It’s okay. We’ll figure this out.”

Dean wanted to ask Sam how or tell him that there was nothing to figure out. Right now, all he could think was that it wasn’t fair. He felt like a dead man. Why wasn’t he dead?

Sam held him and Dean drifted until he passed out, either from exhaustion or drink. He went truly limp in Sam’s arms.

Another hiccupping sob broke Sam’s lips. He’d held it together while he’d dragged the information out of Dean, but now that he had it, the terror of what he’d just seen sunk all the way into him. He realized that he was shaking. He couldn’t deal with this alone.

Shaking as he was, it took Sam a lifetime to drag his phone out and unlock it.

_Me: Are you still awake? It’s important_

_Regina: Yes, Sam. What is it?_

_Me: It will take too long. I need you here. Will you come?_

_Regina: I’m on my way._

Sam was too shaken to deal with this but he knew that Regina would know what to do. They’d get through it together.

Regina arrived at the duplex still in her sleep pants and tank top.  She knocked on the door the same time as she tried the knob.  The door was unlocked, so she let herself in.  “Sam?” she called once inside.  “Sam?  I’m here.  What’s going on?”

Even though Dean was still passed out, Sam didn’t dare leave him alone even long enough to greet Regina.  “I’m up here!” he called.

Once she made her way upstairs, of course she first checked Sam’s room, which was empty.  “In here,” Sam said from the room across the hall.

Regina walked into the room and gasped at what she saw.  The broken window, the whiskey bottle smashed on the floor, the gun lying just under the broken window, Dean lying unconscious on the bed.  “What happened?  Were you robbed?”

Sam was sitting next to Dean on the bed, clutching his hand.  He chuckled without humor.  Leave it to his sweet girl to think someone else had done this.  “No.  It was Dean.  He-he-“  Sam couldn’t continue.  He started crying for real.

Regina didn’t need words to get the picture.  She climbed into Sam’s lap and wrapped her arms around him.  “What can I do?”

She finally managed to get Sam calmed down enough so he could tell her what had happened.  “No, that’s not right!” Had been her shocked response.  “He can’t leave us.”  Regina was having almost as hard of a time processing the news as Sam had.  “Charlie and Garth are great, but Dean is the glue that holds the library together.”

Dean had started to stir on the bed, but remained asleep.  “You know, he probably needs to eat something,” Regina observed.  “Do you want me to make something to eat?”

For the first time all evening Sam didn’t look like a lost puppy.  “Um, no the last thing we need is the fire department busting in when you burn the kitchen down,” he answered with what sounded like a genuine chuckle.  “If you can keep an eye on him, I’ll fix something to eat.”

“Anything you need, Sam.” She smiled softly at him.  “Bring me a broom and stuff, and I’ll clean up in here too.”  He nodded and brought cleaning supplies before heading back down to the kitchen.

Regina had swept up all of the glass from the floor, from the whiskey bottle and broken window.  She gingerly picked up the gun and set it on the desk.  As she was cleaning up the whiskey that was starting to dry on the floor, something caught her eye.  She reached under the bed and found Dean’s cell phone.  There was one alert on it.  New Text from Cas.  In Regina’s mind, this confirmed what she had been thinking as Sam was telling her what happened.  Castiel didn’t turn Dean into HR.  He clearly wanted to talk to Dean again.  She never did find out what happened between them.  Either he didn’t confide to Claire, or it was one of the few things the two girls didn’t share.  That didn’t matter now.  What mattered was getting the passcode for the phone to see what the message said.  She didn’t know why that was important, but it was.

“Sam!  Sam!” She called as she flew down the stairs.

“What are you doing?  You’re supposed to be watching Dean!”

“Because this!”  She practically shoved the phone in his face.  “Don’t you know the passcode?”

“My birthday,” Sam said, and Regina punched the numbers 0502.  Nothing happened.  “What’s wrong?  Forget my birthday?”

“Of course not.  But it’s not working.”

“Give it to me,” Sam said, a little too gruffly as he took the phone from her.  “Sorry,” he mumbled as he tried the numbers again.  “It’s not working,” he confirmed.

“I told you.”

Sam was puzzled.  Dean’s passcode had ALWAYS been Sam’s birthday, for as long as he had a passcode. Then Sam’s eyes widened in realization.  It was always Sam’s birthday unless Dean was in a serious relationship.  “Do you know Castiel’s birthday?” he asked suddenly.

“Today,” Regina responded.  “Claire took him out to dinner.”

Sam typed in 1031 and the phone unlocked.  “It worked,” Sam breathed and pulled up the message.  He read it out loud.  “I miss you.”  He looked down at Regina.  “What do I do with this information?”

“Call him.  Maybe he can help?” She responded.  Her words were confident, but her voice wasn’t.

“Um, yeah,” Sam replied, just as confident.  “Why don’t you go back upstairs, make sure he doesn’t do anything if he wakes up.  I’m going to finish with the food…and call Cas…yeah…”

***

When Claire arrived back at her apartment after dinner with her uncle, Kevin was alone playing Mario Kart.  “Where’s Regina?  I didn’t see the Soul Train in the parking lot.”

“She got a text from Sam and flew out of here still in her pjs,” Kevin answered without taking his eyes from the screen.

“Hmm…Halloween booty call.  Most impressive.” Claire said as she flopped onto the couch next to him.

***

Castiel had a fairly pleasant birthday.  It wasn’t much different than what he had envisioned at the very beginning of the school year.  Claire had taken him to a nice dinner.  He had expected that dinner would have also included Gabe and Kali, but he hadn’t spoken to them since the shit hit the fan and Anna moved him out of their place and into a vacant apartment in Claire’s building.  Gabriel did text him several times saying both “I’m sorry” and “Happy birthday.”  He politely thanked Gabriel for the messages, but didn’t reach out beyond that.  Castiel had actually forgiven his friend, as he understood Gabe was just looking out for him, but he hadn’t done it to the other man’s face yet.  He still wanted Gabriel to suffer for a bit. 

So, his birthday had been pleasant enough.  But it wasn’t what he had been hoping for two weeks ago, before he lost Dean.  Dean, who was the first person since Anna to make him feel whole and unbroken.  But he had to go and ruin it.  It didn’t matter that he wasn’t the one who had called HR.  It was still his fault.  If only he had been upfront with Dean, let him know what he would be getting into.  Let Dean get out before Castiel’s issues drove a wedge between them that couldn’t be removed.  But now it was too late.

He lay fully clothed in his bed, trying to fight off both his tears and the gnawing guilt in his stomach.  Dr. Mosley told him he needed to find the reason behind the guilt, but not to let it take him over.  At this moment, he knew the reason behind the guilt.  He had caused Dean pain.  Again.  He deserved to let it take him over.   Unexpectedly, his phone dinged.  He wasn’t expecting anyone else to text him today.  He had spoken to Anna on the phone earlier, and he didn’t think Gabe would continue texting him this late into the evening, and his mother still wasn’t speaking to him.  Claire had just left him at the door to his apartment, so there wasn’t anyone else he could think of who would text him. 

Curiosity started to beat back the guilt he was feeling.  When he finally checked the message, a new emotion boiled up.

_Dean: I’m sorry._

Anger flooded in.  “Too little, too late,” he thought miserably.  The words Dean had flung at him when he accused Castiel of turning him into HR had stung him to the core.  He snatched his phone up from where he had flung it onto the nightstand and was going to tell Dean exactly that.

As soon as he saw the words on the screen, he erased them immediately.  Castiel was tired.  Tired of pretending to be something that he wasn’t, for far too long.  Tired of being what other people expected him to be.  But mostly, he was tired of denying what he felt, especially what he felt for Dean.  So, instead he sent back three little words.

_Me:  I miss you._

There was no response.  Castiel didn’t really expect one.  Despite Dean reaching out with an apology, Castiel had no expectations that the other man would want to start anything back up with him.  Why would he, when Castiel was so clearly broken.  Not for the reasons his mother would have him believe, but because of what he had become in efforts to please that woman.  Dean deserved so much better than him, so no, Castiel wasn’t surprised at all when Dean didn’t text back.

He was surprised when a couple of hours later his phone rang, waking him up from a fitful sleep.  He didn’t even look at the caller ID before saying gruffly into the phone, “Hello?”

“Cas?” Said the voice on the other end.  It didn’t sound like Dean’s voice, but that was Dean’s nickname for him.  Only Dean ever called him that.  But it couldn’t be, could it?

“Dean?” Cas said hesitantly into the phone.

“Um, no,” the nervous voice on the other end said.  “This is Sam, Dean’s brother.  There’s…um…there’s been a situation here….and I don’t know, but I think it might help if you could come over?”

Cas sat up fully from where he was still laying in the bed.  “What happened, Sam?” he asked, concern lacing his voice.

When Sam explained what had happened, Castiel didn’t even have to think about it.  “I’ll be right over.” he said, and ended the call before racing out of his apartment and down to his car.

Castiel probably broke every speed limit on his way to the duplex, but he didn’t care.  Before he knew it, he was pounding on the Winchester’s front door.

When Sam answered the door, he looked completely exhausted with red rimmed eyes. He pushed the door open numbly and stepped out of the way. When he entered the house, Castiel noticed that it felt completely different without Dean. It was eerily silent. He’d never thought about how cheerful he made a room but his absence made the whole place feel empty.

“Where is he?” Castiel wasn’t sure what he should do. Sam looked like he needed a hug but probably not from him. He knew that he had a role in what had nearly been a heartbreaking tragedy.

“Upstairs in his room. Regina is with him.” Sam turned to the stairs and led the way with Cas shortly behind him. Sam stepped to the side to let him into the room. Dean was lying still on his bed with Regina sitting on the end. The window on the far side of the room was shattered, letting in the cool night air though the broken glass had been cleaned up. A gun sat on the desk.

Castiel entered the room and walked straight to the desk. “Sam… can you lock this up?”

“I should have thought of that.” Sam’s shoulders hunched as he crossed the room and picked up the pistol and switched the safety on. “I’ll take care of this.” Before he made his way out of the room, Regina took his hand and led him away. They went across the hall and closed themselves in what was surely Sam’s room.

Left alone, Cas shivered in the chill of the room. The practical thing to do would be to fix the window however; he noticed that on the corner of the desk was a leather bound copy of _The Hobbit_. He closed the curtains, grabbed the book from the desk, and then sat down on the side of the bed next to Dean. He turned the book open to where it was marked and started reading from the top of the chapter. He wasn’t sure if it would help Dean, but it always helped him and if Dean had the book near his bed, surely he must like it. He wasn’t sure how long he read, but he was nearing the end of a chapter when Dean stirred again. He read on, because Dean might settle again and sleep. In truth, Castiel didn’t want Dean to feel alone.

The bed shifted beneath him.

“Cas?” Dean’s voice was rough and slightly slurred as he tried to sit up but groaned and lay back down. “Why’re you here?” There was no malice in his voice as he asked; there was simply resignation or worse, hopelessness.

“Dean…” Despite having thought of a thousand things to say on his drive over, now that the chance was here, nothing came. Dean squinted against the light as he looked up. The level of pain in Dean’s eyes made Castiel’s heart twist in his chest.

“You didn’t do it, did you?” Dean’s eyes broke away from his when he spoke.

“No.”

“I’m sorry.” Dean reached for him, his arm shaking a little before his fingers came down on the hand that still held the book.

All the thoughts that he had earlier about it being too little too late meant nothing now. He had a very startling reminder of how much all of this had meant to Dean too. “It doesn’t matter.”

“It does.” Dean grabbed his hand and tried to pull himself up but winced, clearly still too drunk to manage it. Cas pushed his shoulder and Dean fell back on the covers.

“Dean.”

The sound of his name on Cas’s lips was something that Dean hadn’t expected to ever hear again. After everything that had passed between them, it still had the power to stir something inside of him. Even with his chest empty, he felt the warmth of it, just as he’d felt it when he’d woken to the sound of Cas reading to him. His head pounded but he couldn’t make himself regret drinking as much as he had. He wasn’t even sure Cas was real instead of an alcohol induced fever dream. However, when Cas leaned over him, he felt real. Real enough that Dean touched the side of his face and smiled. “I can’t believe you’re here. After everything.”

“Of course I’m here!” Cas snapped at him, his eyes suddenly hot and boring into Dean. “How… how could you do this, Dean? You almost…what about those who love you?”

 In his drunken loopiness, Dean touched Cas’s face with a goofy smile. “They would have been fine. I’m bad news, Cas. No job, no prospects, no library, no you.” The smile didn’t fall off his lips as he spoke of the things that had shattered his heart; it only became a little sadder. “You are so beautiful.”

“Dean…” Cas covered Dean’s hand with his own. Why couldn’t it have all been so simple? He had so many questions. “I’m not. I… did this to you. I’m the one who is bad news.”

“We did this to each other, Cas.” Bone weary exhaustion dropped into Castiel at the words. Perhaps Dean was right. He crawled over Dean and settled at his back, one arm draping over his body so his fingers brushed against Dean’s stomach. “Who says you get to be the big spoon?”

“I do.” Cas dropped his nose into the back of Dean’s neck and breathed in the scent of him. Whiskey and leather as well as the hint of gunpowder that twisted fear into his stomach. “No one would have been fine, Dean. There are so many people who love you. You hold us all together. I… don’t know how you don’t see.”

Dean was silent for a long moment as Cas’s words sunk into him. He didn’t know the truth of those words but he had a feeling Cas believed them. He opened his lips to argue it and then… didn’t. He was tired and for this moment, rare and strange though it was, he was lying in Cas’s arms. That was good. “Do you think if you are bad news and I’m bad news that somehow we can make good news together?” He snorted a laugh. “That made more sense in my head.”

He could feel Cas’s breath as he chuckled behind him and then squeezed him tightly. “Two wrongs don’t make a right, Dean.”

Again, Dean found himself thinking. Sure his thoughts were sluggish and it made his head hurt to think deeply, but he persisted. He didn’t believe what Cas said. He struggled to turn in Cas’s arms but didn’t quite accomplish it until the other man helped him do so. He needed to see Cas to say any of this. “In case you missed it Cas, I’m a little broken. You are a little broken…”

“I’m a lot broken.”

Dean hushed him by pressing their lips together briefly. “I think we can help each other. Maybe we were before…” His eyes pleaded with Cas, willing him to believe it for tonight at least. They would see about tomorrow later.

Cas never took his eyes off Dean. “Maybe so.” He felt a need to touch Dean, to prove that he was still here and in his arms. He didn’t deny himself and pulled Dean closer to his body. It went against everything he’d told himself since they’d fought but he’d grieved the loss of Dean. Now Dean was telling him he wanted them to help each other, even knowing the depths of Castiel’s issues and that meant more to him than he could say. “I… want it to work that way.” Reason stepped in, whispering in his ears that they had tried and failed many times before, always with him at fault. “I am deeply flawed. I’ll do it again... I can’t seem to stop it from happening.”

Dean could tell by the look of sorrow that he was losing Cas to where ever he went when he panicked. Those blue eyes seemed to focus inwards. Dean did the only thing he could do and kissed him again.

The brush of lips was slower this time. Dean’s lips tasted of whiskey but nothing had ever tasted sweeter. A part of Castiel wanted to chase the flavor but that part was overridden by the rest of him that simply wanted the comfortable warmth between them. He sank into the kiss without deepening it.

When Dean pulled back, he could see that Cas was fully with him. “It’s not just you. I shouldn’t have said what I said. I regretted it the minute I cooled down.” Dean shook his head. He didn’t want to think about it, but he had to.

“I think I understand why you did.” This time Cas touched their lips together. While it was short, Dean thought it was a good sign that Cas was coming back around to him.

“I shouldn’t have done this either.” Dean’s eye flicked to the curtains that covered the broken window. Now that Cas was here, he could see how much damage his death would have done to everyone else around him. “I… didn’t see any purpose in going on. I’d only bring Sam down and I’ll be gone from the library tomorrow….”

“Gone from the library?” Cas’s alarm was clear. “What do you mean ‘gone from the library’?”

“Cas, I had to resign because of the inquiry.” Dean looked away, feeling the full weight of the shame sink into him. “I don’t know who did it or why but my career is over. I’ll never be a librarian again.” He felt new tears burn his eyes and silently cursed them away. He didn’t want to cry in front of Cas.

“That’s not fair!” Cas looked aghast and started to struggle up.

Dean pulled him back down and against his body. “Don’t. Not tonight.” He buried his face against Cas’s shoulder and closed his eyes. “Tomorrow will be soon enough to face that mess.” And all the other messes Dean had made with tonight’s foolishness. “Will you stay here with me tonight… like this?”

“I’m not leaving you, Dean.” Castiel sank down into the bed again then reached over Dean to switch off the lamp on his bedside table. The room plunged into darkness and Cas gathered Dean up fully into his arms. “Rest. I’ll be here when you wake.” He meant it. He wasn’t going anywhere, in fact, he was terrified to sleep for fear that Dean would hurt himself. He listened as Dean’s breathing evened out and his body relaxed into Castiel’s arms. He’d very nearly lost Dean forever. The absolute finality of the suicide attempt and what it meant was colored in part by his faith which saw the act as unredeemable. In that light, Cas would have not only lost Dean to life but forever in after life as well and the thought brought a sorrow that he’d never experienced before. In the dark, he found himself hoping that they could help each other find their way through the guilt. He wanted to believe it, so for tonight, he did. He held onto that hope and made plans for the coming day. He wasn’t going to stand by while Dean lost his job. Castiel lay in the dark, making plans and thanking God that Dean was still here and somewhere in the midst of that, sleep found him too.

***

As Sam was locking up the gun in the lock box he kept his baseball card collection in, Regina was turning down the sheets and blankets on his bed.  “Sam, you should try and get some rest.  It’s been a rough evening.”

Sam looked towards the door to his room, as if he could see Dean through the two bedroom doors.

“He’s going to be fine. Professor Novak won’t let anything happen to him.” She did her best to reassure him.

“What if they get into another fight?”  Sam had started pacing across his small room, which was a feat, considering his size.

“The walls of this place are kinda thin, I’m sure we’ll hear it and have a chance to intervene,” Regina answered logically.

“Oh God…what if they DON’T fight and end up doing something else the walls are too thin to block?”

“Then we use headphones.” Regina answered with a definitive nod.  “Now come to bed.”  She had already climbed into the bed and patted the spot next to her.

Sam pulled sleep pants and a tee shirt out of his drawer.  “I should probably go change first.  You’ll stay, right?” His puppy eyes implored her.

“Of course.  I’m not going anywhere.”

When Sam went to the bathroom to change, he couldn’t help peeking into Dean’s room.  He was still worried.  What he saw put his mind at ease, even though it made him want to vomit.  Castiel was reading to Dean.  It was very sweet and Sam couldn’t help his smile as he softly closed the door.

Sam returned to his room and got into the bed next to Regina.  “I think they’re going to be OK in there,” he stated.

“Well, of course they will.  Professor Novak loves your brother,” Regina said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“What makes you say that?” Sam asked.

“Oh…um…feminine intuition?”  What Regina wasn’t saying is she could tell by the way Castiel looked at Dean.  It was a look she was familiar with, since she looked at Sam the same way.

“Well, who am I to question feminine intuition?”  Sam said as he leaned over to give her a soft kiss on her lips.

Regina responded by sliding her hand around the back of his neck and pulling him in to deepen the kiss.  When Sam gasped in surprise, Regina took the opportunity to explore his mouth with her tongue. Sam groaned low in his throat and returned the fevered kiss.  Before either of them knew what was happening, Regina had pushed Sam down so he was lying on his back and she was straddling him.  She stroked her fingers through his shaggy hair as her lips crashed into his again.

Before his brain could be completely short circuited by Regina’s heated kisses, Sam gripped her dark ponytail and pulled her head up so he could look into her eyes.  “Are you sure?” he asked hesitantly.

Regina nodded the best she could in his grasp as she ran her finger nails down the front of his tee shirt.  That was all the affirmation he needed before Sam pulled her mouth back down to his and started to kiss her in earnest.  Regina began to wrestle Sam out of his shirt; her hands fighting the fabric up until Sam got on board and took over the fight, pulling his arms free.  He whined when they had to break their mouths apart to fully free him from the garment. She took the opportunity to apply her lips to his jaw and proceeded to kiss his neck, licking and nipping her way down as his enormous hands roved all over her slight form.  Her lips and tongue trailed down to his chest, stopping at each nipple, which she took between her teeth to tug gently, eliciting almost feral moans from her man.  She crawled down his body as she kissed and licked her way from chest to stomach then further still.  When she reached the waist of Sam’s sleep pants, Regina didn’t hesitate to draw them down enough to reveal his hip bones.  Her mouth dropped down to those sharp bones and taut muscles and she sucked and licked hard enough to leave a mark, then she moved on to give the same treatment to his other hip.  Regina knew those hipbones would be the end of her.  Finally, she tugged his pants down enough to reveal his rock hard length.  She gripped him in her tiny hands, wrapping her fingers around and squeezing as she discovered that he was hot and velvety smooth against her skin.  The sounds he was making were making her shiver in the very best way.  Regina couldn’t control herself; she wanted to see what other sounds she could draw out of him.  As she squeezed and stroked up and down his length, her tongue swirled around the head, lapping up the precome that had started to leak out.

When Regina finally wrapped her mouth around him, Sam again gripped her ponytail, not so much to hold her in place, so much as to confirm she was really there and this was really happening.  She took in as much of him as she could before it hit the back of her throat, her hands still squeezing and stroking what she couldn’t take.  Even though Regina had never done anything like this before, somehow she still knew exactly the right amount of suction and tongue to use to make Sam gasp and moan deliciously.

“Sweetness, I’m getting close,” Sam gasped as he felt that familiar tightness.  He gently tugged on her ponytail, pulling her off of him.  Regina was panting and her chocolate brown eyes were even darker with want.  That was all Sam needed to see.  He pulled her to him and kissed her hard and deep. It only took a swipe of his hand before he was coming between their bodies.

Sam released his grip on Regina’s hair as he wrapped his arm around her and pulled her against his chest.  As they lay there panting for breath, Sam muttered, “Wow.”

After several minutes of heated discussion, Regina convinced Sam that she didn’t need anything more than what they had already done.  Her goal had been to take care of Sam, to make him feel better after the scene he had come home too.  She was content with having turned him into a writhing, panting mess.  Once Sam cleaned himself up, he pulled her close and fell easily into a deep sleep.

Regina didn’t sleep as easily, or at all. It wasn’t guilt over what she and Sam had done.  Even though she knew it was a sin and she’d have to seek absolution for it, she couldn’t bring herself to feel even an ounce of remorse about making the man she loved feel so good.  What was plaguing her mind was Dean’s situation.  She had told Sam that Dean was the “glue” that held the library together, but it was more than that.  So much more.  Dean was the heart and soul of the library that brought them all together.  He was the reason she and her friends had signed on to do the second half of their graduate studies there again next year instead of taking the offers from the more prestigious universities they had all received.  Dean was the reason Charlie never took the job in New York and why Garth never started his own children’s library complete with puppet show.  He was losing everything, and they were losing him, all over something that never even happened.  Regina couldn’t let it go.  She had to do something, and she texted her roommates and encouraged them to do the same.  She slid out of bed and booted up Sam’s computer.  She had long ago learned his password.  She logged into her university email, and with a deep breath, emailed Amara Noir.

_Dear Ms. Noir,_

_I urge you not to accept Dean Winchester’s resignation from his position as Head Librarian.  The atrocities he has been accused of are false.  As a student in the library’s grad program, I can assure you that Mr. Winchester has never done anything untoward to anyone who wasn’t an active participant._

Regina shuddered thinking about what she witnessed in the library when she typed that last part.  She could definitely account for the fact that Professor Novak was a more than willing and active participant.  Once she recovered, she continued try to make her point.

_Further, as a close friend of Mr. Winchester’s brother, law student Sam Winchester, I can further assure you that the relationship between Professor Novak and Head Librarian Winchester was between two consenting adults._

_I would also like to address the fact that the library wouldn’t be what it is without Mr. Winchester.  All three students currently in the grad program turned down the opportunity to further their studies with more prestigious schools in an effort to learn more from Mr. Winchester.  If you check with the registrar, you can confirm this as well as the fact that we are the top students to have ever graced this university’s library graduate program._

_Ms. Noir, please consider these facts before you let this school lose one of its greatest assets._

_Thank you for your time,_

_Regina Choi_

After sending her own email to Amara, Regina checked in with her roommates to make sure they were doing the same.

_Me: You guys finished your emails yet?  You know we can’t let Dean resign!_

_Claire: No. I’m not doing it.  He broke my Uncle Cassie’s heart._

_Kevin: I’m working on it.  Dean’s a great mentor._

_Claire: Kevin!_

_Kevin: You’re not the boss of me!_

_Claire: Yes I am!_

_Me: You guys! Stop.  Claire, FYI, your uncle is here.  And judging by the sounds coming from Dean’s room, his heart isn’t broken anymore.  Also, I now need brain bleach._

_Claire/Kevin: EW._

_Kevin: I’ll be sending mine shortly._

_Claire: Still not doing it._


	19. When I run out of road, you bring me home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their tongues met with a fire that held barely restrained desperation behind it. Perhaps it was what Dean had done the previous night, or what had happened two weeks ago. Maybe it was just the relief of knowing that they hadn’t touched each other for the last time. Whatever it was, they lost themselves in a tangle of tongues and breathless panting as they scrambled for each other’s clothing. Both were still mostly clothed, Dean still in his jeans and Henley, Cas in a pair of khakis and a button down. At least two of Cas’s buttons popped off and Dean’s shirt was ripped in the struggle. They barely parted their mouths to rip Dean’s shirt over his head then fell back into each other. Fumbling fingers tackled zippers, tugged fabric, and wrestled clothing until there wasn’t a stick separating their bodies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title inspiration: "Sweet Creature" by Harry Styles.
> 
> Funny story, we had no idea what to call this chapter, and were trying to come up with something. One of my friends is basically married to Harry Styles and when this song came out, she immediately sent the video to me, and her actual wife also sent it to me and said "This sounds like a Destiel song!" (Neither of them ship it, but they support that I do.) And when I heard it it, I knew this line was PERFECT for this chapter, and happily Neal agreed with me.  
> ~Andy

The first thing Dean was aware of when he woke up was the warmth that completely surrounded him. He floated in that place between sleep and awake with his eyes closed. He knew that when he tried to move, he’d be hungover and miserable but for now, he felt good. He snuggled into the warm blankets until he realized that there was something very warm and very solid that he was burrowing his nose into. It smelled nice and made a disgruntled noise as Dean wiggled close to it.

“Dean…” The voice was groggy and thick, but there was no mistaking the sexy gravel of Cas’s voice.

Dean had a couple of reactions: the first was to marvel at the fact that last night hadn’t been a dream and that Cas was really here. Unfortunately, the second involved the sound of Cas’s voice going straight to Dean’s dick, which didn’t care that he and Cas had just sort of made up after he’d done something stupid. Nope, the dick wanted Cas. Dean tried to scoot away out of curtesy. Cas had other ideas.

A strong pair of hands scooped over Dean’s ass and dragged their bodies closer until it became clear that Cas was having an equally strong reaction to Dean.

“Good morning, Dean.” The rumble of that voice drew Dean’s eyes up to the man’s face. There was a warm twinkle in Cas’s blue eyes in the dim light of his bedroom.

Dean held those eyes with his own and deliberately rolled his hips against Cas’s and was rewarded when the other man’s lips parted with a soft gasp. “Good morning, Sunshine.” Dean said with a grin, and then pulled Cas down into kiss.

Their tongues met with a fire that held barely restrained desperation behind it. Perhaps it was what Dean had done the previous night, or what had happened two weeks ago. Maybe it was just the relief of knowing that they hadn’t touched each other for the last time. Whatever it was, they lost themselves in a tangle of tongues and breathless panting as they scrambled for each other’s clothing. Both were still mostly clothed, Dean still in his jeans and Henley, Cas in a pair of khakis and a button down. At least two of Cas’s buttons popped off and Dean’s shirt was ripped in the struggle. They barely parted their mouths to rip Dean’s shirt over his head then fell back into each other. Fumbling fingers tackled zippers, tugged fabric, and wrestled clothing until there wasn’t a stick separating their bodies.

Castiel fell into Dean’s body with a passion he hadn’t known could be hiding inside of him; he’d known that he’d loved Dean – even after all that happened between them, the emotion never dimmed. Now it seemed to fuel what felt like molten quicksilver in his veins, he burned and knew that the only thing that could quench the fire was Dean. He rolled on top of Dean and immediately wedged a knee between the other man’s thighs. He looked down at Dean and took him in; his pupils were blown with lust and his lips shiny and plump – practically begging for Castiel to kiss him again. God help him, he didn’t deny himself. He licked into Dean’s mouth and was rewarded with a muffled moan. Dean’s fingers carded through his hair then curled into it as if to hold him in place. The way Dean writhed beneath him was tempting Castiel’s will power, particularly when those hips rolled against him again so that he felt the hot drag of Dean’s cock followed with the telltale wet of precome on his skin. He remembered, quite suddenly, that there was no reason for him to resist. Dean wanted him. Castiel dared to believe that Dean _was_ his and he set to claim what rightfully belonged to him.

“Cas…” His name on Dean’s lips sent shockwaves of heat straight to his cock and he shifted his weight so that he was slotted perfectly against Dean. This time it was Cas who rolled his hips and created a beautiful friction between their aching flesh. Without thought, his teeth scraped Dean’s neck just under his jawline. His tongue darted out to soothe the bite seconds later until he was nipping and licking his way across Dean’s throat until he pressed his lips into the hollow at the base.

“I love you, Dean...” Cas murmured against Dean’s skin while he breathed in the scent that was wholly Dean. The fact that the feeling was still there after everything they’d been through simply amazed him.

Dean’s eyes snapped to Cas’s with those words and took in the emotion clearly written in them. He licked his lips slowly and curled his hand around the back of Cas’s neck and pulled the professor down into another kiss. This one was slow and deep as if Dean wanted…no needed to taste all of Castiel. When they broke apart he stroked Castiel’s cheek and pressed their foreheads together. “I know, Cas. Me too.”

For a long moment, they lay against each other and simply breathed the other’s air; their lips so close that they almost touched but didn’t. It was almost enough; Dean savored the closeness between them, the warmth of Cas’s breath against his lips, along with the warm glow in those blue eyes. However, the heat where their bodies met tugged at his attention more and more with each second until he tugged Castiel back in for another kiss. He barely paused before his tongue plunged into Castiel’s mouth where it immediately tangled with his lover’s; with that one motion the moment between them exploded into the desperate passion that had been momentarily eclipsed by the lucid moment of emotion. Dean thrust his hips up against the body that pressed against him and was rewarded when a moan was muffled against his lips and Cas rolled back against him. Dean knew he could easily come this way, already slick heat was tightening in the pit of his stomach as he established a rhythm between their bodies. The enticing drag of Cas’s cock against his own fueled the kiss between them which grew increasingly more heated until it was little more than abrupt touches while they panted into each other’s mouths.

Cas shifted suddenly and his lips fastened once more to Dean’s neck where he nipped the skin, then sucked a mark in it before moving on. He didn’t stop at the base of Dean’s throat this time either, he began to work his way across Dean’s chest but when he shifted himself to do so their bodies separated and Dean found himself thrusting up into air. He couldn’t stop the disappointed whine when he found himself denied of that touch.

“Let me have all of you Dean…” Castiel’s voice rumbled against Dean’s chest, this time from the center where his lips were pressed over Dean’s heart. Beneath that touch, Dean could feel his heart throb with those words. There was no way he was going to deny Cas what he wanted now; most of his life was still lost to him so he clung to the other man as his only lifeline in the face of uncertainty.

“Whatever you want, Cas, it’s yours.” Dean’s fingers threaded through Castiel’s hair, his body rolling under those lips when Cas began to kiss his way across Dean’s body once more.

The sound of Dean’s voice promising him everything created a want so profound that he could scarcely breathe and he lingered, listening to Dean speak and then simply breathe as he felt the steady pulse of heart beneath his lips. He groaned softly as he tasted every inch of the librarian’s body on his way down; he’d wanted to take his time about it and savor the sheer fact that Dean was here and that he was giving everything to Castiel. Unfortunately, as with every other time he’d touched Dean, he quickly lost his head and found himself devouring what was offered to him voraciously and hungering for more. It wasn’t until he skimmed his lips over the sharp jut of Dean’s hipbone that he realized that the last time they’d been together he hadn’t appropriately worshipped them. The moment his teeth skimmed the sharp line, Dean’s body arched suddenly with a startled noise of pleasure that drew a smile from Castiel’s lips. If Dean liked it, then surely it was worth his time. He settled on the spot, following the natural line of Dean’s body inwards until his lips skimmed over the course hair surrounding Dean’s cock. Above him, he could hear the breathless gasps and slowly growing swear words and when he looked; he was awarded a lovely view of hard, purpled flesh shiny with precome. Licking his lips, Castiel knew he would never resist taking a taste.

Shifting himself so that he was kneeling between Dean’s thighs, Castiel wrapped his fingers around Dean’s cock while he stared into those green eyes and marveled at the sheer heat he saw in them. “You are so beautiful like this, Dean.” He murmured, his eyes sweeping over the flush in Dean’s skin that made the freckles dotting his shoulders and chest stand out as well as the sheer shape of his body, the way skin moved over muscle when Dean thrust himself against Castiel’s hand to find some friction for himself.

“Cas… fuck… please…” Dean’s voice was as wrecked as he looked and the sound of it went straight to Castiel’s dick, which twitched where it lay neglected between his own thighs. He simply ignored it in favor of leaning down to lick a long stripe from the base of Dean’s cock to its shiny head.

The roll of Dean’s body in response to that simple taste drew another smile from Castiel. “Dean…” He breathed, the movement of his lips against the head of that cock distracted him until he flicked his tongue against the slit and willfully lapped up the precome, making Dean writhe. “…Get me the lube.” He made the demand before wrapping his lips around Dean and sucking down as much of his length as he could. Castiel could feel the tremble of Dean’s thighs under his hands as the other man resisted the urge to thrust up. The thought of Dean fucking his mouth was altogether enticing, despite his inexperience doing so. He considered it as he drew back and let his fingers stroke up that cock towards his mouth. Castiel looked up to find Dean watching him with parted lips and caught him reaching towards Castiel.

Castiel immediately popped off of Dean’s dick. “The lube?” He demanded, making it clear that he would do no more until he got what he wanted. Dean scrambled with the drawer and removed the small bottle so he could frantically press it at Cas. The moment Castiel had it; he dropped it between Dean’s thighs so he could return to what he’d been doing. The sound of Dean’s moan when he took that cock back into his mouth was incredibly gratifying. He bobbed his head up and down that length though without stroking this time; instead he fumbled with the little bottle until he was able to snap the cap open.

Another groan escaped Dean when he heard the telltale click of the lube bottle opening. He was already overwhelmed with sensation as Cas’s clever mouth worked over his dick – after all, Dean knew that the other man was inexperienced and yet he was able to wring sound from Dean’s lips with very little effort. Dean couldn’t even bring himself to care. All he wanted was Cas and he would take whatever he was given. His attention was on those lips, the heat of that mouth and the site that lay before him – Cas, with his lips wrapped around his cock and those blue eyes devouring him. He was so lost in the moment that he startled when a warm, wet finger pressed against his rim. That moment of shock was replaced instantaneously by the rolling of his hips as he pressed back into Cas’s hand as he rolled his eyes closed. He focused on the feel of the finger tracing the tight flesh until it pressed inside his body. Dean didn’t even try to stop the moan this time; he barely stopped himself from thrusting himself back to impale himself further.

“Cas!” Dean couldn’t keep the words from his lips and when Castiel began to massage his walls, he let loose a litany of encouragement, swear words and Castiel’s name which redoubled when Castiel worked in a second finger and began to stretch him open. And then those fingers crooked, leaving Dean seeing stars as he arched his back off the bed, finally forcing Castiel’s lips from his dribbling cock. “Yes! Fuck… right there… more... please….” He whimpered as Cas’s fingers rubbed over his prostate once or twice more before a third finger was added. Without having to worry about choking his (boyfriend? lover?) on his cock, Dean thrust himself with abandon on those fingers until he ached inside for more than they could offer. “Please Cas…make me yours again.”

When Cas withdrew his fingers, Dean nearly whimpered again at the sudden vacancy, his hole fluttered at the abrupt emptiness that ached to be filled and then Cas’s hand slid under his thighs and pushed his legs back so his hips were raised. He could feel the insistent nudge of the blunt head against his rim and he couldn’t stop himself from rolling back against the pressure. The moan Cas breathed against his shoulder matched his own while the pressure increased until finally his rim was breached and Cas was slowly guiding himself inside. There was a familiar pleasure and burn as he was stretched wide by that cock. Dean’s head fell back on to the pillow incidentally offering the long line of his throat for Cas’s perusal and those lips came down against his Adam’s apple as his lover bottomed out inside of him.

Castiel panted against Dean’s skin in between hot laps of his tongue. He knew his fingers had flexed on Dean’s hip in what he knew was a bruising grip while he struggled to keep enough control while Dean adjusted to him. It was hard fight; there was a growing burn of desperation in his chest that was a mixture of longing built through their separation and the urgency of having nearly lost this man forever. All he wanted now was visceral proof that this was all real and the sudden hard roll of Dean’s hips beneath his delivered even as it stole his breath completely.

“Dean…” Cas murmured against Dean’s skin before he scraped with his teeth and then bit down with a force that was just shy of breaking the skin but would leave a very large and very visual bruise. The bite occurred in concert with a thrust from his hips that met Dean’s body with a resounding slap of skin. The strangled noise of pleasure from Dean fueled him on to set a rhythm between them; his hips drew back far enough that he almost pulled out only so he could thrust back in slow and deep. He kept it up, their pace slow but intense so that each time their hips met it was with jarring force that drove Dean back against his pillows. The head board struck the wall with each stroke but neither of them noticed in the slightest. He became aware of Dean watching him from beneath, his green eyes full of wonder and something far warmer; love shone out of them and in the heat of that gaze Castiel felt redeemed, if only while he was lost in Dean.

Castiel leaned over and brought their lips together as he slowly took Dean apart with each and every bone jarring thrust. He would definitely feel it later, but in this moment, as he tasted himself on those lips, he savored every second. He couldn’t make himself stop staring at Cas when he broke their kiss and pressed their foreheads together, after all, Dean had always been drawn to those blue eyes and now he could see a steady warmth behind the passion that made his heart turn over in his chest. He wanted to believe in it so badly that he searched for hints of it in the way that Cas touched him and the solid meeting of their hips. He licked his lips, then brushed them against his lover’s throat but whatever he’d been about to say was lost because Castiel tilted Dean’s hips at just the right angle that the next thrust struck his prostate directly and wrung a cry from his lips. The next did the same and before Dean knew it, he was holding on for dear life with Castiel’s name on his lips.

A part of Castiel wanted the moment to last forever; to drown himself in Dean so thoroughly that he never resurfaced; however, it had been weeks since they’d been together and he really hadn’t touched himself in all that time so the need to come was creeping up on him far sooner than he’d wanted. He could feel it building in his balls and so pulled out all the stops, his body speeding while he reached between them to grasp Dean’s cock with tight fingers. It only took one or two strokes for him to spread precome along that length and then he created the same delicious rhythm with his hand. Dean thrust into his fingers only to be impaled on Cas’s cock in the next breath. Beneath him, he could feel Dean unraveling as he devolved to mumbling encouragement and his name intermixed with whimpers.

“Come for me, Dean.” Cas whispered against Dean’s ear as his fingers twisted at the end of a stroke in the same moment that he nailed Dean’s prostate once more. Hot liquid spread over his hand as Dean came. It only took Cas three hard thrusts before his own orgasm took him by surprise. His vision whited out as he screamed Dean’s name and for a moment, all he could hear was the sound of his own heart beating in his ears. When he came back to himself he was laying fully on top of Dean who was loose and sated beneath him. When he rolled to the side, Dean wasted no time in curling up against him. A blessed silence spread between them that was only broken by the sound of their lips meeting over and over again. It seemed that in the face of what they’d been through and what they’d found between them, words simply weren’t necessary. The day ahead of them would be hard and both of them knew it, so they basked in the warm glow of each other for as long as they could.

***

Castiel awoke in a cold sweat.  The nightmare had come back.  He hadn’t had one since the meeting with HR, then Anna had soothed him and he easily fell back to sleep.  Since then, he had fallen asleep in an alcohol induced slumber, so no dreams came.  He tried to remember what Dr. Mosley had told him to calm his racing heart and labored breathing.  “Find five things you can see…”  He stopped there, instead of going through with the rest of the steps to ground himself, because as he looked around he saw the bookshelf filled with leather bound editions, the desk, the broken window, the piles of clothes strewn about the room.  He never made it to the fifth thing, he realized he was Dean’s room and what had happened last night came crashing back to him with enough force to level his breathing out.  Where was Dean?  That’s when he heard the shower going in Dean’s bathroom.  Good, he had time to get himself together.  He couldn’t lose it again, not like this, not when Dean needed him to stay strong.  Unfortunately, his hands were still shaking and his heart was still pounding.  He was on the verge of falling into the abyss and didn’t know how to save himself.  From some still functioning part of his mind, he remembered the medications Dr. Mosley had given him; they were still in his car.  Fumbling through the pile of clothes on the floor, he found his car keys.  He grabbed the first pair of pants he could find, not noticing which pair he grabbed.  He didn’t bother with boxers or a shirt.

Castiel pushed his way out of the room and raced down the stairs in bare feet.  He practically ran Regina over who had just come out of the kitchen the same time he passed by it. 

“Whoa.  Professor, where’s the fire?  And why aren’t you keeping an eye on Dean?”  Regina dropped her accusatory tone when she noticed the panic in his eyes and his shaking hands.  “Is Dean alright?” she asked, voice softer this time.

“Yes.  I mean, I think so.  He’s in the shower,” Castiel explained in a tight voice.

“So why are you trying to fly out of here in jeans that clearly don’t fit?”

“There’s…something…in my car that I need.  Medication…” It was clear something was wrong as Castiel struggled to find the words to communicate.

“Ok, it’s ok Professor.  I can get it for you.” Regina’s voice was soft and full of patience.  She didn’t know what was going on, but Castiel looked ready to bolt and she knew she had to calm him down somehow.  She held her hand out for his keys, her brown eyes looking softly up at him.  “Let me go fetch, and you go back upstairs and lie down.  Dean might be worried if you’re gone when he gets out of the shower.”

Dean.  That’s right he had to stay strong for Dean.  He shoved his keys at her.  “The glovebox.”

She took the keys with a nod and darted out the door.

When Castiel made it back to Dean’s room, he could hear the shower was still going.  He sat back on the bed; his back resting against the headboard, his knees bent so he could balance his elbows on them and cradle his head in his hands.  He kept trying to take calming breaths.  In through his mouth and out through his nose, like Anna had always told him.  He had to stay strong for Dean.  That was the singular thought he let himself focus on to keep the darker ones at bay.  He just hoped Regina was quick bringing his medication back.

The shower stopped.  The last thing Cas wanted was for Dean to see him like this.  Suddenly there was a knock at the door.  It opened just enough for a slender arm to poke through holding the bag from Castiel’s doctor.  He got off the bed to take it.  He was about to close the door back when the same arm poked through with a bottle of water.  After he took that, the door was quickly pulled shut.  “Thank you,” he said to the closed door.  Wasting no time to read the directions, he took two pills from one bottle and two from the other.  Logically, he knew the medication would take time to work through his blood system, but just the act of taking the pills seemed to help calm him enough that his hands had stopped shaking by the time Dean came out of the bathroom with just a towel wrapped around his waist.

If Dean saw the pill containers or Cas taking the pills, he didn’t indicate it. What he did see was the look on the other man’s face that he was beginning to associate with a Castiel on the verge of breaking. His heart seized for a moment and he wondered, briefly, if he had the strength. _Fake it ‘till you make it, right?_ Dean could do that. He smiled at Cas, because breaking down or not, he was glad that the man was still there.

“‘Morning Sunshine.” He said as he stepped towards his dresser and began to pick through the top drawer. He tossed a look over his shoulder, trying to gauge where Cas was. Could he touch him? Would it make it worse? “I think we’ve got a little time before …” He faltered, realizing what waited for him today. It took a minute to get going again. “Do you want to read something together?”

Something warm spreads across his chest when Dean offers; knowing that the librarian understands that something is wrong but is trying to do his best to help, even when he’s empty and a little broken himself. What a pair they make. “No, Dean. That’s… not necessary.”

Dean searches his face for a couple more moments before turning back to his dresser. “You sure?”

“Yes.” Castiel slips off the bed and after a moment’s thought, he stuffs the pill containers in his pocket and takes a step towards the bathroom. “May… may I take a shower?”

“Yeah Cas, that’s fine.” Dean said, turning to face him again. He’d managed to put on a pair of boxer briefs and otherwise was still bare. Despite the lingering tendrils of panic, he still thought that Dean was the most beautiful man he’d ever seen. For a moment, he was so lost in his own thoughts that he failed to recognize that Dean was talking to him again. “You can borrow whatever clothes you want.” The librarian pushed open his closet and revealed dress slacks, button down shirts, and colorful ties.

“Thank you.” Castiel acknowledged, but he didn’t move. Instead, he watched in fascination as Dean tugged on a forest green dress shirt and slid it over his arms. He remembered watching Dean dress the last time he stayed over too. There was something calming about it in a way; perhaps the way that Dean moved as the fabric slipped over his limbs and slowly covered his skin. Before him, Dean finished buttoning the shirt and then stepped into a gray pair of dress slacks. When Dean reached for a silver tie, Castiel shook off whatever reverie he’d been in and slipped into the bathroom, closing the door behind him with a soft click.

The mirror was still clouded from Dean’s shower and the steam in the room was laced with the scent of aftershave and shampoo but something more, something that was just _Dean._ He breathed it in as he stripped out of the borrowed clothing and went to turn the water on. Just before he stepped into the water, he heard Dean’s voice through the door.

“I’m going to make breakfast. I’ll be downstairs, okay?”

“Okay Dean!” He had to raise his voice so he’d be heard over the water. When there was no answer, he stepped underneath the spray. The hot water did wonders in loosening his tight muscles, which helped him to relax. Of course, that could also be the medicine too. Both together helped him gain that control he wanted so badly. He still felt that there was a building storm inside of him; it would come out at some point, he knew, but right now he felt that he was in control of it. It was rare and strange but also…good. With a lighter heart, he washed in Dean’s shower and indulged in using both Dean’s shampoo and his soap. He doubted Dean would mind. When he stepped out, he found a clean towel folded on the edge of the sink that hadn’t been there before. He hadn’t even heard Dean come in. Smiling to himself, he dried himself and stepped into Dean’s room.

The bedroom was empty as it had been when he’d woken up, however, it didn’t feel as disorienting as it had this morning. He could hear the buzz of voices from downstairs. He couldn’t make out what they were saying, but he was sure Sam, Dean, and Regina were all enjoying their morning. As he rifled through Dean’s closet to find what he’d wear (a borrowed pair of khakis and a blue Henley…and borrowed underwear and socks too, of course), he began to smell something amazing, Waffles? Was Dean making waffles? Castiel’s stomach growled as he tugged the socks up and went to the door. Sure enough, the scent of waffles and warm maple syrup hit him.

“There’s nothing wrong with having fruit on your waffles, Dean.” Sam’s voice, clearly ruffled floated up the stairs.

“Sammy, the only fruit that belongs on waffles is the kind drowned in high fructose corn syrup.” Dean’s voice shot back. Somewhere in the background, Regina giggled.

The sound of it made him smile. He came down the stairs, intent on joining them when he drew up short at the bottom of the stairs. Would they want him there? What if… what if they thought this was all his fault? His chest started to tighten but before he could even think about that further, he found himself staring at Sam’s chest. He had to look up to see the smile Dean’s brother wore.

“Good morning! Dean’s making you a waffle.” Sam said, stepping out of the way to let Castiel into the kitchen. “If he tells you that you can’t have fruit, just kick him. We’ve got blueberries.”

“You want syrup, right Cas?” Dean tosses a warm smile at him over his shoulder before opening the waffle iron and plating a hot waffle, which is placed at the table for him.

Ducking his head, Castiel tries to hide a smile. “Can I have both?” He glances to the table to see that Regina’s waffle is doused in syrup with whipped cream on top. He eyes it carefully. No one offered him whipped cream. He takes the plate, trying not to pout when Dean offers him a can of whipped cream with a knowing grin. Castiel feels his cheeks heat.

Castiel sits at the table across from Regina to leave room for Sam, who comes back into the room and takes the seat next to his girlfriend. After a few minutes, Dean puts a plate of scrambled eggs in the center of the table, and then sits down next to Castiel with his own waffle. They settle into breakfast and chit chat as if nothing at all is wrong, as if they do this every morning. Cas should think it’s weird, he knows this, however, it isn’t. It’s just nice. He feels like he belongs there as Sam passes him orange juice and as they watch, Regina teases Sam over something he didn’t quite catch. Dean’s foot bumps into his and when he looks over, Dean winks at him. Castiel blushes and smiles into his plate. It feels like family and it’s over too soon.

Regina takes the plates to the sink so she and Sam can clean up while Dean heads towards the living room to gather his coat. Cas follows closely behind him.

“Where are you going?” He asks, reaching out to tug at Dean’s sleeve to make him stop.

Dean pulls up short, his hand falling off the worn leather jacket. He turns to Cas. “It’s my last day of work, Cas. I have to clean out my office.”

“Dean.” Something in Castiel’s chest squeezed painfully when he watched the happiness of the morning drain off of Dean’s face. He tugged the other man into his arms and can’t help but feel a little warm when Dean dropped his head onto Cas’s shoulder. For the moment, he wants to believe that it’ll be okay and they’ll have each other. “Let me go with you. I’ll help… and we’ll be together.”

Dean huffs a sigh, his breath warm against Castiel’s neck. He doesn’t raise his head. “Yeah, Cas. If it has to happen, it’ll be good to have you there.” Dean lingers there in his arms, seeming to just breathe him in. There’s a little slice of disappointment when Dean steps away. “Let’s get this over with.” Dean pushes the leather jacket into his arms. “Put this on.”  


Dean reaches into the closet and drags out another jacket, this one thick and corduroy. As soon as it’s on, he nods to his door and they both walk outside. Dean grabs his hand and walks with him to the Impala. “I don’t want to talk to Sammy right now. He’s either going to say something about…last night or he’s going to want to talk about today.”

Castiel licks his lips but doesn’t speak until they are both inside the Impala and Dean is pulling out of his parking space. “We’re going to have to talk about it Dean.”

There’s a very long silence before Dean finally nods. “Not today, okay?”

Castiel keeps his own silence as he thinks about this. “Okay.” They will have time later. He can put it off until Dean is ready.

The rest of the drive is spent in companionable silence. When they arrive at the library, the parking lot is empty. Dean grabs a couple of boxes from the back seat and heads into the library. Cas grabs a couple more and follows him. Of course, the library is empty and it’s completely silent once they walk in. Dean flips on the lights and then heads for his office.

“It’s so quiet.” Castiel said as he followed him to the office.

Dean drops the boxes on the desk with a bitter expression on his face. “Yeah. I like it. The place is totally mine just for a little while.” He looks down at his desk and pulls open one of the drawers. It’s organized meticulously, which Castiel supposes should not surprise him, but it does. Dean begins to pull things from the drawer, little knick knacks given to him by students and the like. Cas can tell when it becomes too hard because Dean stops, so he steps up behind him and begins to rub his shoulders and down his back.

“We don’t have to hurry, Dean. You’ve got all day.” He soothes, his own heart twisting painfully in his chest. He tries to think of something, anything that he can do to make this stop and if not that, make it better. He pulls Dean’s hands away from the drawer and turns the man in his arms. “I’m here for you today, Dean. We’ll get through this.” Dean relaxes, his head against Castiel’s shoulder. He has the feeling that it’s going to be a very long day.

***

Dean was surprised when he got the call from Amara asking him to come see her.  What could she possibly want from him now?  It was his last day at the university, and he hadn’t interacted with anyone.  It seemed impossible that Amara could have anything else to say to him.  At least this time he and Cas would be together, so she couldn’t possibly accuse him of harassing somebody else.

When they walked into the HR offices, Dean was gripping Cas’s hand as if it were a life line.  He explained to the secretary that he had an appointment with Ms. Noir, and she ushered them right in.

“Mr. Winchester…Professor Novak?” Amara greeted them, clearly surprised by the presence of the other man.  She quickly recovered from her surprise and said, “Dr. Crowley said you wouldn’t be in today due to a family emergency.”

“I would say my boyfriend being forced out of his job constitutes a ‘family emergency.’” Castiel explained with a confidence he didn’t know he had.

“That’s actually why I needed to see Mr. Winchester today.” Amara motioned that the two should sit in the chairs in front of her desk.  As they sat, she noticed the dark bruises peeking out from Dean’s shirt collar.  She didn’t say anything, but raised an eyebrow, causing both men to blush.  “Well, at least this confirms the information that was brought to my attention over the past week.  Clearly Professor Novak was not a victim of unwanted advances.”

“Well, if you would have listened to what I had to say instead of asking wildly inappropriate questions about my relationship with Dean, perhaps all of this could have been avoided.”  Dean just looked at Cas in shock as he put the HR Supervisor in her place.

Not one to easily relinquish her power, Amara simply looked at him and said, “Very well.  May I continue?”

Castiel responded with a curt nod.

“About a week ago, Kali Kapoor informed me that she had Becky Rosen following Mr. Winchester.”  She raised her hand in an effort to cut off anything either man would have to say.  “Yes, I know what you’re thinking.  Unfortunately, Ms. Kapoor let her own prejudices color her perceptions of Ms. Rosen, who had misinformed Kali about the nature of her own relationship with Mr. Winchester while in the Library’s Grad Program.”

“What relationship?” It was the first time Dean had spoken up since they entered the office.

“Ms. Rosen told Ms. Kapoor that you had been inappropriate with her.” Amara held her hand up again cutting off any arguments.  “I know that to be untrue.  The fact that she never came to the university with the accusation should have been a clue, but Kali is nothing if not a fervent advocate for victims.  Not to worry, Ms. Rosen has been banned from the campus until further notice.  I would also encourage you to file a restraining order against her.  I am also willing to help you file a harassment complaint against Ms. Kapoor if you’d like.”

“No, that’s not necessary.  I just want all of this to be over.” Dean said miserably.  It didn’t make him feel any better now that he knew what had really happened.  “Is that all you wanted, Amara?”

Amara looked a bit taken aback by Dean’s use of her first name, but she let it go as she continued.  “After Ms. Kapoor came to me, of course I had to investigate the claims.  While that was going on, I received emails from Ms. Bradbury and Mr. Fitzgerald regarding your situation.  This morning I also had emails from two of your grad students.  They were all adamant that I not accept your resignation.”

“Had to be Regina and Kevin.  Claire is probably glad I’m leaving.” Dean muttered, thinking no one else would hear him.

“Actually, young Ms. Novak didn’t email me, but she came to see me.  She said that despite what effect your relationship had on her ‘Uncle Cassie’ that you were still a great mentor and the school wouldn’t be the same without you.  This was basically the gist of the emails I received.”

“Is there some point to all of this, Ms. Noir?” Castiel asked, clearly exasperated and done with this whole ordeal.  If Dean really was losing his job, he at least deserved to spend his last day in the library among the books and people he loved.

This time Amara looked truly shocked.  No one ever spoke to her that way.  Most people were intimidated by her, and rightfully so.  She was formidable.  She had to take a moment to compose herself before continuing.  “The _point_ of all of this, Mr. Novak, is that I’m rejecting Mr. Winchester’s resignation.”  She looked at Dean directly as she continued.  “You can keep your job, if you still want it.  All recent complaints about you will be dropped.”

It was Dean’s turn to look shocked.  “I-I get to keep my job?  Yes, I want that.  Thank you, Amara—um, Ms. Noir.  I appreciate that.”

“Very well, I’ll take care of the required paperwork, and you can return to work.” Amara stood, indicating the men should too, and held out her hand to shake Dean’s.  He took it and after they shook, she turned to Castiel.  “And Professor Novak, now that your boyfriend is no longer losing his job, you no longer have a ‘family emergency.’  May I suggest you return to the rest of your classes?  Apparently all of the TA’s in the Religion Department as well as two of the professors ate at the new sushi place and got food poisoning.  Dr. Crowley had to recruit Professors Adler and Barnes from the History Department to cover.”

Castiel gave Amara a curt nod, then tugged Dean from the office. His boyfriend was clearly dazed because he didn’t resist until they were fully out of the Human Resources building. That’s when Dean pulled to a stop.

“Cas… did that just happen?” Dean looked around at the falling leaves, then back to the man next to him. He looked as if he was afraid to hope. “Did I really just get my job back?”

Castiel couldn’t keep the smile off his face. “Yes, Dean… I mean, Mr. Head Librarian.”

Dean stared at Cas for several seconds before he threw his head back and laughed. “I got my job back!” Clearly elated, he grabbed Cas and pulled him into his arms. Cas barely had a moment to process before Dean captured his lips. The kiss wasn’t passionate, but he could taste the sheer happiness on his lover’s lips and he leaned into it, sealing their lips together. They lingered over it until someone cleared their throat from the sidewalk.

Dean shifted them off the sidewalk. “Thanks Cas… for being there.”

“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.” Castiel promised, brushing his lips against Dean’s briefly before making his way to his classroom.

***

Dean spent the remainder of the day unpacking the boxes and putting his desk back in order. That is, after telling everyone the good news. When he came back to the library, everyone was gathered at the desk: Charlie, Garth, Claire, Kevin, Regina, and even Sam. They had looked at him with wide eyes when he came in. For a minute, no one breathed. Then Dean broke into a smile and told them he wasn’t leaving. There absolutely wasn’t a group hug with Dean in the center. He would deny it to his dying day. There was, however, a pizza party for lunch and a general air of festivity for the rest of the day. Dean thanked everyone for sticking up for him and Charlie harassed him for not telling them sooner.

Later, Dean pulled Claire aside to talk to her personally. “Look, I know it was hard to speak for me personally. You had no reason to… so thanks.”

Claire gave him a hard look (which honestly, she was pretty good at) before finally relaxing. “I guess when I dropped all the personal crap, you are a pretty decent librarian.” She shrugged. “Don’t let it go to your head.”

“I won’t.” Dean said, his lips twitching as he tried not to smile. “And Claire, I promise I’ll take care of your uncle from now on.”

“You’d better, Winchester.” It was amazing that Claire could express threat with just her facial expression. Dean was truly impressed.

The day passed in a blur and before he knew it, he was bidding everyone goodbye and locking up the library. Cas was waiting there for him outside.

Dean took his hand and kissed the backs of his fingers. “Can we do this, Cas?”

Cas tilted his head, unsure what Dean was referring to. “This?”

“Yeah, this.” Dean gestured to the space in between the two of them. “You and me. I… want it.”

“I want it too.” Castiel turned his hand in Dean’s so they were clasped together. “But….”

“It won’t be easy.” Dean finished for him because he’d thought this through. “I know it won’t be. I know you are dealing with something I don’t understand yet. Just… if you are willing, then I want to understand.”

The brilliance of Cas’s smile was worth every word of feeling he spoke. “I’ll do my best then.”

“I will too.” It was a promise that Dean would do everything to keep. The future was likely to have some rocky places but it would also contain an equal amount of joy so long as they didn’t forget how awesome they were together. With that in mind, Dean drew Castiel into a kiss. It was longer and deeper than the ones before and somehow tender as both of them communicated their own gratitude that they hadn’t lost each other.

Dean pulled back first. “Come on. I hear that there is a celebration waiting for us in the Roadhouse. What do you say to burgers and beer?”

“I’d say that sounds perfect.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting close to the end. Thanks for sticking with us on this roller coaster! We both love this world so much and have already written a few companion pieces for it, so I suppose this means we have a series now. Stay tuned.


	20. This is the life we’ve been given.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _We all fall, in the end, we’re just miracles of matter_   
> _So come on_  
>  _Let me love you_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song referenced in the title is "The Garden" by Take That. 
> 
> **Neal**  
>  First, a note about the links. I'm a huge dork and may have looked up flower arrangement, etc, then linked them so you could see. In some cases I just linked the name of the person who's wearing it. 
> 
> I can't believe we've posted all of our fic for you to read. Our inspiration for this fic came from the J2 panel at Nashcon where someone asked Jensen what Dean would be doing if Mary hadn't died. His answer was that he would be a librarian. Andy and I agreed immediately that it was a fanfic waiting to happen. (This was the first time we'd met in person.) I can safely say that it took over our lives for a couple of months. We have some B sides we are putting up for you (yes, the wedding night is one of them) and we hope you enjoy them. 
> 
> Be warned: you haven't heard the last of us. We have something special and very different coming for DCBB. Thanks for sharing the ride with us. We love you all!  
> ~Neal
> 
> I can't believe we're finished! (Well, mostly.) You guys have been incredible with your comments and encouragement! I hope this ending fulfills the promise we made from the start for a happy ending! Subscribe to the series for the "B" sides Neal mentioned! We have a few ready to go, and at least a couple more brewing in our brains. And please, subscribe to us as authors too, because we're not finished either! As Neal mentioned, we have a special DCBB in the works, as well as a few other ideas to work on together, as well as a few solo projects.
> 
> Thank you so much for taking this ride with us! We love you all! XOXO  
> ~Andy

October, 2 years later

In a sea of what was surely pure chaos; Castiel was a spot of calm. It was hard to say why, exactly, because calm sometimes was quite difficult for him. Maybe it was all the mindfulness exercises he’d learned from Missouri or perhaps it was the yoga he’d started doing a couple of years ago (also at Missouri’s suggestion). It certainly wasn’t the people coming and going from the room, some of them looking a little frantic. (It was Claire mostly, who had decided to take it on herself to make things _perfect_. Cas didn’t have the heart to tell her that they already were perfect. It made her happy, so he left her to it.) There was currently a fight going on with Gabriel over where to pin his [boutonniere](https://www.dropbox.com/s/2j1v9rs9st8szsi/fall_leaves_and_rose_bud_boutonniere_burnt_orange_and_burgundy__67b01477.jpg?dl=0) . He simply watched and smiled.

There was movement as Anna sat next to him. She patted his knee. “You truly look the happiest you have ever been.”

Castiel laid his head on her shoulder. “I truly am. Thank you for your help getting me here.”

Anna’s fingers ran through his hair. “You’re my brother and I love you.”

Kevin burst into the room. “It’s time.” Claire stuck the boutonnière on Gabriel when he wasn’t looking. She may or may not have stabbed him with the pin. Claire and Anna grabbed their [bouquets](https://www.dropbox.com/s/93ndvf2oinc1vlg/index.jpg?dl=0) from their vases.

The chaos of the room devolved itself as they filed out of the dressing room.

The crowd was bigger than he’d expected. Dean’s parents (the distant Winchesters) were there.  Cas’s parents hadn’t come, which was something of a relief. The church (Catholic, of course) was completely full. The ushers, [Regina](https://www.dropbox.com/s/04iivnkvtaef62d/il_340x270.992479707_j5z0.jpg?dl=0), [Kevin and Garth](https://www.dropbox.com/s/xbmjz84ns8g3k3a/usher%20boutoneirres.jpg?dl=0), (with Mr. Fizzles in his pocket) were showing the last of the guests to their seats. The moment everyone was seated, music played and they met in the middle; Dean was followed by Charlie, Sam, and Jo. Castiel was followed by Gabriel, Anna, and Claire. When he and Dean finally faced each other Cas gave him a shy smile. Dean took his hand and drew him to his side.

The wedding that followed was nothing short of beautiful. It was, simply put, everything that Castiel had dreamed of – when he’d allowed himself to dream. Again, it had taken him quite some time to accept that he could give himself this – that God would allow him to express his love for Dean and bind himself to the man forever. Moreover, Dean had wanted it too.

Dean got cranky with the volume of pictures that were taken after the ceremony but Castiel had turned pleading eyes on his husband and he’d subsided with a kiss. Charlie and Gabriel, as best woman and man, ended up standing next to each other in several photographs and had gotten along famously, much to the misery of those around them. Each of the attendants got to have their pictures taken with their significant other too. (After a year of Cas and Dean dating, Kali came to understand that Dean had been messing with her and meant no harm and Dean had forgiven her for her role in the mess that happened. They still weren’t wholly comfortable with the other but were trying for Cas and Gabriel.) Regina had to stand on a step stool next to Sam. Charlie had snuck in a kiss on Jo’s cheek. Claire dipped Kevin, much to his chagrin.

The reception was held on campus in front of the library underneath the trees where Dean had handed Cas the leaf. Round tables bedecked with roses and leaves in the [center](https://www.dropbox.com/s/pqrr25x061d10mv/handmade-fall-decorations-table-centerpieces-maple-leaves-4.jpg?dl=0) were dressed underneath a white canopy. They had a buffet table of burgers and barbecue for their guests (complete with pie – all curtesy of Ellen and Bobby) as well as an open bar. The agreement had been that Dean chose the meal and Cas got to pick the cake.  Gabriel and Charlie gave their respective speeches from the head table; seeming to have engaged in a contest to see who could make their bestie blush first. (Charlie won at 1 minute 10 seconds to Gabriel’s 2 minutes 15 seconds.) Sam had kept time for them.

The first real surprise came when Mr. Fizzles stood up (as much as a sock puppet does), dragging Garth along for the ride, and brought the proceedings to a halt. “Waaaaaaaiiiiiiit! I would like to say a few words,” the sock puppet declared.

He cleared his throat and started, sounding exactly like the Impressive Clergyman from _The Princess Bride_ , “Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder today. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam...” 

Garth clamped his free hand over Mr. Fizzles’ mouth and muttered under his breath, “You promised no _Princess Bride_! You said you’d be original!”

“Fine,” Mr. Fizzles said to Garth, leveling him with his fierce sock puppet glare before continuing with grandeur.  “These two heroes should be an inspiration to us all.  Finding true love in the face of great adversity, they came through it all with grace and dignity.  The fact that Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak found each other during times of struggle is nothing short of a miracle.  True love conquers all obstacles, destroying anything that would seek to keep it down.  These fine gentlemen have truly encouraged this sock puppet to believe he too may one day find his own true love.  The hope that they arouse cannot be matched.  Let’s have another round of applause for these beautiful newlyweds!”

After a tremendous round of applause (and some confusion) everyone attacked the food and talked about the happy couple, swapping stories of how they knew the grooms. Mr. Fizzles was introduced to Ms. Sockles, a lovely sock puppet that Claire produced from her purse. It was clear he was quite taken with her.

Dean and Cas went to cut their [cake](https://www.dropbox.com/s/mnmz5huo2frdagd/wedding%20cupcakes.jpg?dl=0), which had a small cake on top with the rest of the tiers made up of chocolate cupcakes (also curtesy of Ellen). They cut their cake and fed each other pieces. There was a good bit of smeared icing involved. Dean may or may not have licked the icing clean around Cas’s lips – if he did, no one commented on it.

As the sun began to set, the tables were cleared and a dance floor was laid out. The band they hired began to set up for the couple’s first dance. Dean dragged Cas behind a nearby tree for quick kiss. While they were in each other’s arms, Cas grabbed his cell phone and held it out for a quick selfie with his husband. As they unwound from each other, Cas tapped out a quick message. It read:

_Me: I might be sick, but I like the disease._

He attached the picture of him smiling into the camera as Dean kissed his cheek and sent it to his mother.

With that done, Cas felt lighter than air. His future lay before him and the past was completely behind him. He let Dean tug him away from the tree and back towards the dance floor and their guests, their laughter chasing them the entire way.

_The End._


End file.
